Hi
Please read my essay and provide your valuable advice in terms of content, structure and the overall persuasiveness.
Thank you very much in advance.
TOPIC:
A one-page statement of intent should outline your planned career path with information about short- and long-term goals and how enrolling in the program may help achieve them. It should also include your expectations of the Master of Finance program and the skills and strengths you would bring to the cohort.
Paul approached me with a mysterious smile on his face while I was pouring myself a precious afternoon cup of coffee. He just came back from a business lunch with Kevin (altered name); whose company is one of our fund's small investments. As the CEO of an ICT research provider and a self-professed technology junkie, Kevin, and his employees share the same traits - upbeat personalities with exceptional technical skills, yet lacking an equivalent level of financial planning expertise. In Kevin's monthly board reports, one could often find much detailed R&D information and overly-optimistic sales forecasts. This time, Paul's lunch with Kevin presented me with a task. Kevin planned to expend his service to an overseas market, and was seeking financial support from his company's investors. Naturally, our fund was on the list. However, Kevin's investment proposal and business plan shared too much of his optimism, and my task was to assist him on making the plans more presentable to the investment committee. I started by reviewing, with the company's CFO, their past financial performance and the key clientele. Working hand-in-hand with the CFO, we determined that the clients bringing in the most revenue were in fact not the most profitable ones. Subsequently, I was able to persuade Kevin to reconstruct his key strategies and together, finally produced an overall feasible business plan with reasonable financial forecasts.
This simple experience turned out to be a major catalyst in my decision to pursue a long-term career in the venture capital industry and an in-depth expertise in finance. The experience of helping Kevin's company secure the funding changed my perception of venture capitalists' responsibilities and how I value my financial knowledge. Like most MBA graduates, I stepped into the VC industry only to temporarily chase the dream of earning glamorous incentives - great turnover on IPO and M&A realizations, before moving onto greener pastures. I could not say that I had a strong passion for the VC business until I had the opportunity to work on this project. In the process of producing the new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC is not only a means of financing, but also a means of management coaching. My knowledge in finance and my industrial understanding did not just assist Kevin in another financial plan; it actually helped Kevin achieve his dream of taking his company to the next level. Without the assistance from the fund I worked for, Kevin might have been able to seek money from banks, but might not have necessarily been able to possess a clear insight into the industry's big picture, a phenomenon common to many start-ups.
Start-ups like Kevin's are the key to technology innovations - sometimes these creations even affect people's daily/quality of lives. By working in the VC industry, my duty would not simply be to generate a turnover. I would be essentially involved in paving the road to facilitate the development of a potentially world-changing invention. Therefore, I would like to continue my career path in the venture capital industry. Utilizing my knowledge and experiences to generate an exceptional turnover for investors is critical, but my main desire is to provide support and financial guidance for pioneering small business entrepreneurs.
To accomplish my goal, I would like to further enhance my expertise, especially in capital budgeting and strategic financial decision making. By enrolling in the Penn State Master of Finance program, I am confident that I will attain extensive training in advanced capital exploitation skills and strategies. I am excited to engage in the case study-orientated curriculum and its diverse materials. I expect to learn much from both my lecturers and my peers. In return, I will bring to the group my multi-tasking skills and my ability to always plan the ultimate goal before initiating action. In addition, I would also like to share my cheerful personality, and my colorful experiences working in foreign countries, with the Master of Finance team. My optimism, open-mindedness, and industrial attitude have always been appreciated by my colleagues. With my qualities and life experiences, I look forward to contributing to this esteemed Master of Finance group.
The narrative that begins this piece starts strong but then begins to drag. You need to move through that more concisely.
"Quality of life" is always singular, even when talking about people in the plural.
In return, I will bring to the group my multi-tasking skills and my ability to always plan the ultimate goal before initiating action.
The question is not your ability to plan the ultimate goal -- that's almost always clear -- but, rather the ability to plan all of the steps leading to that goal.
Thank you Simone, veyr good points. I fixed the ability part just now.
However, would you be more specific about the dragging part?
Thanks again
would you be more specific about the dragging part?
For example, this...
Like most MBA graduates, I stepped into the VC industry only to temporarily chase the dream of earning glamorous incentives - great turnover on IPO and M&A realizations, before moving onto greener pastures. I could not say that I had a strong passion for the VC business until I had the opportunity to work on this project. In the process of producing the new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC is not only a means of financing, but also a means of management coaching.
...could easily be communicated in half as many words.
Appreciated it Simone, I will work on that this weekend and post the revised version as soon as I am done.
The story you told does not seem to make you stand out of others, it is not particular enough, other candidates are probably to have similar experience. Besides, Paul and Kevin make the story a little complex.
Tell you difference in the beginning can help a lot, I think.
Thank you mathsam.
In fact, I was thinking last night, about whether I should keep Paul in my essay. I initially brought him in because he was my supervisor and mentor, and he was the one who supported me on this project. However, I did see his existence in this essay does not strength my motivation.
As for Kevin, I am more leaning towards to throw in how his enthusiasm moved me. In my revised version, I will also work on the clarity Simone suggested.
Heaps thanks to both of you, I will post my revised version soon.
One way you could fix the passage mentioned by Simone:
Before: "Like most MBA graduates, I stepped into the VC industry only to temporarily chase the dream of earning glamorous incentives - great turnover on IPO and M&A realizations, before moving onto greener pastures. I could not say that I had a strong passion for the VC business until I had the opportunity to work on this project. In the process of producing the new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC is not only a means of financing, but also a means of management coaching."
After: "I entered the VC industry chasing the dream of earning glamorous incentives, but in the process of producing new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC could actually be an effective means of management coaching."
Thank you Sean.
I rewrote the second paragraph so I can better describe what happened that motivated me to pursue a degree in finance. In my first draft I felt quite handicapped because certain information is confidential. Therefore it took me a while to reorganize my thoughts.
Please read below. Thanks to all of you in advance.
"Instead , Kevin kept using his vast knowledge in the technology industry to persuade the fund managers to review his proposal again."
"When he was informed that his forecasts were exceedingly overconfident "
"They assigned me to analyze his company's financial package, ascertain weak points, and to provide counsel with regards to improvement strategies." Alternatively, you could add a "to" before "ascertain," but you either want a "to" in each item or only in the first, not one in the first and third and none in the second.
