Masters application for Mechanical Engineering - big step of my professional career

to achieve academic and professional excellence

Respected Sir / Madam,

I, XYZ, writing this letter to express my interest for the Master's degree program in Mechanical Engineering at the University of ABC. Currently, I have completed my Bachelor's Degree in Mechanical Engineering at Bharati Vidyapeeth College of Engineering, affiliated to Mumbai University.

I grew up as a kid, who was curious for understanding, how a machine works, for example, a vehicle, internally executes multiple operations in a synchronous way to work. Also, I was consistently thrilled by the challenge of disassembling a device, then reassembling it as it was before. In my secondary school, I was fascinated by the idea of utilising math and physics to design practical mechanisms. That is when I realised that I have always found the mechanisms and working of different types of machines very exciting and electrifying. Hence, I decided to choose the field of Mechanical Engineering.

The driving force towards learning and exploring about science and technology persuaded me to secure admission for a Bachelors program in mechanical engineering at Bharati Vidyapeeth College of Engineering, affiliated to Mumbai University. There I have been exposed to an extensive range of subjects specialised in core field of mechanical engineering which helped me acquire the essential skills for systematic research, analytical thinking and information evaluation. As a part of my academic curriculum, I have worked on number of projects that helped me realise how I can use the technical knowledge gained through the classrooms for solving the complex problems. In some way I knew so as to solve complex level real world problems I need to study more and gain deeper knowledge in the field.

In future, I want to work on interesting projects, solve challenging real world problems and work on some great ideas with some of the most innovative thinkers in the mechanical engineering domain. With the notion of idea-sharing in mind, this would be a perfect ground to establish the next step of my professional career, this is one of the reasons I have chosen Germany to pursue higher education also your country is considered as the hub for mechanical engineers. Other than the quality of education provided in the world class universities, it also has an innovative approach in research and design. Germany has always been at the forefront of cutting edge research and technology. I think I will have so much to learn from your lifestyle, culture and nature. And I can bring some of that to my country.

My academic experience has enlightened me about the importance of pursuing through coursework of the Master's degree. And after going through the Master's program in Mechanical Engineering at your University, I am sure that this course will elevate my career and help me acquire necessary skillsets for the same. I am confident that my capacity for commendable logic, commitment towards goals, and diligence will help me give my best in this program. Towards the end, I request you to consider me for your master's program so that I can enormously boost my morale in this long pursuit to achieve academic and professional excellence.

@SSUfasjbnf
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Hopefully, this feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the initial parts of your essay are alright. I find that the formality is sufficient because you were clear with the intent of your writing. Despite of this, you needed to incorporate a more clarified approach towards writing, especially in the first sentences of the second paragraph. I have noticed that, in this particular part of writing, I have noticed that you were already blabbering about your childhood.

Furthermore, when you're trying to reason out why you have chosen this particular country, I recommend that you need to be able to provide sufficient evidence of why this specific university is best for your standard. I think that, while you were able to showcase why Germany is your goal country, you need to be able to reason out why in this specific university. This would certainly improve and enhance your overall written work.

I think you should not add "Comma" after the line
I grew up as a kid,
Because when i first read it i was like it does not make sense as everyone grows as a certain kid. So i think the comma is unnecessary.