I'm applying for a MSc program in Europe. I really need some feedback on my first draft since i'm not native :)
From the directions;
"-Include a short autobiographical statement covering the development of your academic and professional pursuits, your current activities, and the relevance of your academic, professional, and other related experience to your proposed study.
-why you want to further your studies in this programme
-how your interests and skills will contribute to your success in it to your future career.
-what are your career intentions and why are you interested in pursuing those career choices?
-What accomplishments in your academic, professional, or other related experience are you most proud of and why?
-How would a Master's Degree in this programme help you fulfil your future plans?"
and it is limited with 250 words. Because it is limited, i added some information to my CV. I think this one is ok with the prompt.
Here is my motivation letter:
"My career ambition is to become a professional in energy industry. From power plants to aircraft engines, we must provide more efficient, reliable and cheaper systems to provide sustainability to our modern societies because of limited sources.
I will receive my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from xxx in June 2011. I preferred Energy branch as last year specialization field which corresponds my goal and is related with my favorite classes, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics, Heat Transfer and Turbomachinery.
I was fortunate to have an exciting opportunity in designing and developing my own project as an intern at Fluid Mechanics R&D Department of xxx I designed a ... oven that can be used on ... stoves and devised two different systems for ... of the oven and ... of the stove. This was a great experience to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with an effective time management.
I believe the programme will not only strengthen my skills and give expert knowledge that will help me to overcome challenges but also give wider recognition of the energy and aviation industry. Moreover, by joining an international community and mobility between countries, I will gain intercultural competence and better understanding of the world as a whole.
I am confident that I will exceed your expectations, because of my academic skills and enthusiasm as well as the experience gained from my internship. I am sure to enrich the programme by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and positive nature.
I'm sorry for censore. I must do it in para 3 because of confidentiality of the project.
thank you for your help and advices!
My career ambition is to become a professional in the energy industry sector.
I have always been intrigued by threats of dangerous energy consumption.
I preferred Energy branch as last year specialization field which corresponds my goal ---I really don't know what you're saying here. Please revise for clarity.
...and is related to my favorite courses, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics and Turbomachinery.
I was fortunate enough to have an exciting opportunity in designing and developing my own project as an intern at .... I designed an oven that can be used on ... stoves, and devised two systems for (aim of system 1) and (aim of system 2).
This was a great experience to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with hard work
I believe the programme will not only strengthen my skills and give me expert knowledge which will help me to overcome challenges but will also give me wider recognition of the energy and aviation industry.
Moreover, by joining an international community, I will gain intercultural competence and a better understanding of the world as a whole.
I particularly like your last two sentences! They'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school and have fun!