"Mathematics inherent in Economics" - Personal Statement- For Economics Admission

Here's my Personal Statement for application to Economics in Graduate School
Please, give me some suggestions on how this PS can be improved for better chance of admission, thanks in advance!

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I am captivated by economics, as it could depict social issues precisely by mathematical tools. Alpha Chiang's Fundamental Methods for Mathematical Economics was my first exposure to mathematical economics, and the beauty of quantitative methods in this book thrilled me when I was a sophomore. Since that time I started to dream of developing myself to be a successful researcher proficient in various analytical skills. Therefore I have been studying some economic problems and solving them with quantitative approaches.

Original dream triggers me to make a sound plan for my career in economics. As an undergraduate I concentrated on getting a solid background in mathematics and statistics. Thus I have taken and am taking courses in economics, mathematics, and applied computing software, even though many of them are not required in completing my degree. Meanwhile, as a member of Economics Association in Dept. of Economics, studying Ramsey Model in the Lecture of Macroeconomics and discussing related papers with other fellow students, I began to view economics with mathematical thoughts. At the end of my sophomore year, I took the first step to the academic world of Economics: I wrote a paper with a set of differential equations, incorporating Ramsey Model, to describe the dynamic relationship between price fluctuations and the production of bio-fuel.

Quantitative study of economics was a magnet attracting me to go further. In my junior year, I used GARCH type model to test China securities market efficiency. After my researches on the literature, I realized that some complicated but preliminary models could not exactly interpret the market in China to some extend. As a result, adjustments were made to accommodate the structure of revenue and the effective time period in variance so that the China securities markets behavior can be adequately accounted for and explained. After a year, revised by a coauthor doctor, the paper has been submitted for consideration for publication in an academic core journal in China.

Initiative plus a strong background in mathematics and statistics enable me to perform well in many courses. Once in the Public Finance, by using Data Envelopment Analysis Model, my course paper was distinct from others in the comparison of Financial Budgets between U.S. and China. Moreover, in the International Settlement, my group was the only group which came up with mathematical methods to price the cost of supervisory systems in transfer pricing, because of my contribution in calculating Bayesian posterior probability and depicting decision tree graph.

Apart from my research experience, I also devoted equal effort to other activities as I believe they will help me become a well-rounded individual. In particular, I serve as a leader of Mathematical Economics Study Group now. I organize regular discussion weekly and lead the discussions on Equilibrium Analysis, Linear Models and Matrix Algebra in the Alpha Chiang's Fundamental Methods for Mathematical Economics. This experience benefits me a great deal, since the group discussions guide me to read more and think over how to clarify my ideas.

All of those activities described above have reinforced my interest in economics. At the same time, I am firmly convinced that I desire to pursue graduate studies in order to have a comprehensive and deep command of the economics science.

After searching information on graduate programs in economics, I find that your program fits me well. First, I admire the excellent scholars specializing in XXXX, which is my major research interest. Especially, I am interested in "XXXX" by Dr. XXX and "XXXX" by Dr. XXXX, whose areas of research have great appeal to me. Moreover, attending seminars in the XXXX Center will offer me opportunities to be acquainted with current economic affairs and cutting edge researches, which could be instrumental for me to perform well in original research. I believe that comprehensive training at XXXX University and my interests in Economics and will build a solid base for my career and further studies in Economics. I would greatly appreciate your kind considerations of my application for admission into your program. I promise you that I will work hardest to make my presence as an asset to the university.

(From here, I write some reasons why I am qualified for this program in XXX Univ. rather than others, and my career plan.)
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After I read " the Deam Fulfiller", I make some changes(noted by red) in my PS.
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I am captivated by Economics, as it could depict social issues with precise Mathematics. Edified by "Mathematics inherent in Economics", I started my luxurious dream-becoming an economist proficient in various analytical skills, like Paul Samuelson, one of the first economists who generalized and applied mathematical methods to Economics. Since that time, I have been trying to understand economic theorems with mathematical thought whenever possible.

Original dream enables me to explore in Economics. To better understand scarcity and efficiency, the daily words for economists, I took Operation Research and realized the methods to maximize social utility with minimal resource. Meanwhile, as a member of Economics Association in Dept. of Economics, I began to view Economics with mathematical thought by studying Ramsey Growth Model in Lecture of Macroeconomics, Economy Growth and discussing related papers with other fellow students. At the end of my second year in university, I wrote a paper based on Ramsey Model. It was my first step to the academic world of Economics; I used a set of differential equations to depict an economic dynamic system, and make a qualitative analysis on price variation in food market linked to Bio-fuel produce.

"Mathematics inherent in Economics" was a magnet attracting me to go further in my study. As a result, I started my paper to analyze EMH hypothesis with mathematical instruments. When I first studied GARCH models, I was excited; but soon I realized these models had been quite specifically studied around 1990s in U.S. After further studies on prior literatures, I realized that some complicated but preliminary models could not exactly interpret the market in China to some extend. To make exiting methods more applicable to the China Securities Market, I made some logical adjustments on the commonly used models-GARCH, GARCH-M and EGARCH. According to the conclusions of existing papers and the values of AIC/SC, I increased the effective time periods of variance and residual error; besides risk-premium represented by variance, I added other relevant factors in revenue models, such as transaction costs and volumes, due to the structure of revenue.

In order to excel in economic analysis, I need a set of tools to navigate through the complexity, but the undergraduate study covers only certain basis in Economics. Therefore, I am determined to continue my study in graduate school to fulfill my desire for further knowledge. The experience of research I have mentioned above and a long-time contact with a familiar alumna in a US top university ignited my dream-to study cutting-edge economic theories and methodologies in the U.S.

(From here, I write some reasons why I am qualified for this program in XXX Univ. rather than others, and my career plan.)
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Hello,

I have graded this essay based on a matrix that we use at Essays Done. Your essay received a grade of 73/100. This is a good start, but for graduate schools your essays need to be PERFECT. Normally, economics and mathematical departments are housed withing the college of liberal arts and sciences. As such, a higher emphasis will be placed on your grammar and use of the English language in your essays. This will be especially true if you were educated in the United States. Your essay is unfocused and seems to ramble aimlessly from topic to topic. You begin to talk about one research method in one sentence then completely abandon that method for another.

Its clear that you have some desire to study economics at a top University. However, to be admitted you must prove that you can handle the rigors of a top University. Graduate programs at a top University requires a tremendous amount of writing. Your application essays must be flawless! It must also read as though you are someone focused with a burning passion to study this field. Reading this essay It comes across as though you watched a movie, liked it and now you want to do what the actors in the movie did. You try to impress the admissions panel by throwing out a few terms that only economist would know. Unfortunately, you do not develop any of these topics sufficiently in your essay to prove that your passion will be unrelenting. We can help you clearly state your passion. We can also help you improve your grammar by pointing out a few mistakes you have made in this essay. This way you will not make them in the future.

Mathematics inherent in Economics--- if this is a title, capitalize inherent.

like Paul Samuelson, one of the first economists who generalized and applied mathematical methods to Economics. ----- This seems like empty name-dropping. You don't seem to have any particular reason for emulating him... talk about people whose ideas have the ring of truth with you; talk about economists whose work represents the area in which you want to specialize.

Since that time, I have been trying to understand economic theorems with mathematical thought whenever possible.---- see, this is not very interesting or specific. You are basically just saying you are interested in economics.

Add "the" here:
...in the U.S.

And be careful here:
in a US top university
in a U.S. top university

...used a set of differential equations to depict an economic dynamic system, and make a qualitative analysis on price variation in food market linked to Bio-fuel produce.---- take the comma out of this. It is not necessary. The accomplishment mentioned here is impressive, though!

Your knowledge is impressive, but I think the essay is too general. Let's get a distinct theme that is so intriguing that the reader will not ever be able to forget it!

EF_Kevin
Thanks
I am working on my PS
Several days later, I think the new edition will be better; please help me review that PS then.

I have made some adjustments, could you read it again and tell me whether it is better now.
Thank you!