The military taught to be a leader. Nursing school has given me knowledge...Personal Statement DNP

Hello everybody,
Please help to edit my essay for Nurse Practitioner program application. Here is the requirement:
No more than 500 words
Thank you for all your help in advance

Essay:
When I joined the navy in 2002 and became a Hospital Corpsman, it was during my training through boot camp and Corps school that I learned in a valuable lesson, all things worthwhile requires hard work. While in the military I had a lot of sleepless nights standing watches, staying up after hours studying for promotion exams, and reading about treatments for many of the illness and injuries that my fellow servicemen where coming to me with so I could treat them better. Throughout my seven years in the service I learn more and realized that I had more I needed to learn. First, I set my sights on becoming a nurse and so I took the necessary classes and graduated, my reward was a BSN from Nova Southeastern University. Now, I plan to move on to my next and hopefully my most challenging/rewarding accomplishment a Doctorate of Nursing Practice from Palm Beach Atlantic University.

The military taught me how to be a leader. Nursing school has given me the basic aptitude to help my patients. Working as a nurse has furthered my ability to be compassionate, the patience, skills, and knowledge to better care for my patient. It is my hope that Palm Beach Atlantic University advances my aptitude and autonomy to serve my community. Obtaining a terminal degree in nursing will illustrate to my patient that I am dedicated to providing the best possible care within my reach to reach my ultimate goal.

My ultimate ambition is to become the furthermost effective clinician possible. So that I may have the necessary expertise and knowledge to give my clients/patients and my community the utmost holistic care I can deliver. It is my belief that nurse practitioners will be able to give patients something physicians no longer have the time to give, health education for disease prevention. Benjamin Franklin said it best "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", I have faith that with more mid-level providers leading the way for primary care there will be a dramatic reduction in heart disease and diabetes two of the most preventable diseases. It will be my honor and privilege to bring my motivation, aptitude, compassion, talents and leadership to aid the residents of my community and those communities I have the honor to serve. What I want is to be part of that effort and it is opinion that Palm Beach Atlantic University DNP program will give me the necessary the skills, knowledge, and autonomy to make this a reality.

I learned in a valuable... --- I think the work 'in' is left in this sentence accidentally.

My ultimate ambition is to become the furthermost effective clinician possible -- This is an example of a sentence that is weakened by its modifiers. Add verbs and adjectives can weaken the sentence. A sentence becomes weaker when more words are added without adding more meaning of the same time. Adjectives are like empty claims, but the actual facts conveyed by a sentence are the substance of the sentence. You have a stronger sentence if you're write:

My ambition is to reach my full potential as a clinician.

Still, the sentence is a little bit weak because it is not as specific as it can be, and it is not very interesting. In fact, any person in the field of healthcare can say they want to be the most effective practitioner they can be. It is much better if you say something very specific, perhaps about your specialization or area of special interest.

Now, I plan to move on to my ... a Doctorate of Nursing Practice from Palm Beach Atlantic University. --Here is one more example of a sentence that does not carry much substance. It is a sentence that this not tell the reader anything interesting or meaningful. This is the sentence that appears at the end of your first paragraph, so it should be the most interesting and meaningful sentence of the whole essay. You have a unique perspective and a unique collection of experiences and insights; the contribution you make to your professional field and to society will also be unique. You can dig deep and come up with a sentence that shares with the reader a vision of the specific contribution you are going to make.

: )