When I was a child, I always imagined to have a video game in my bed room which I used to see in local market and people dying to play, fighting for their turn but I was afraid of crowd and being beaten by them I hardly got chance to play a video game and my parents could not afford that expensive machine that time but it enchanted my passion and unbeaten interest in video games. At the age of eleven, I saw first computer in my cousin's home it was totally a magical machine for me, lot of stuff in just such a small thing. I used to spend whole day sitting beside him looking at the monitor and watching him playing games on it. There a dream came in my mind to be in the field of computer games for the rest of my life as I had become my passion and still it is as shown in my resume.
The passion of computers and videos games led me to be the best in my academic career of high school and I had to work hard to be in the best institution of computer science in Pakistan and I made it and got admitted in BS(CS) In XXX ,Pakistan one of the finest institution of computer science on bachelor level.
Upon graduation from the university, I got employed as a Software Engineer by XXX Company working in partnership with XXX Inc. My Current employer has produced some top rated iPhone and android games such as XXX, XXX, XXX 3D etc. I learned a lot in my present job and due to my dedication, creative skills and outstanding performance in more than 20 mobile games I was awarded with emerging talent of the year in small professional career of 11 months. Still there is much room for learning and more skills and I believe a master's degree programme in Applied Computer Science at XXX will help me a lot to enhance my skills that are essential in the field of video games.
In addition to this I have always wished for a good education which would provide me with a strong footing in my ever growing career. I believe this will give me the confidence and solid foundation of the games developed on different mobile platform to help me in future as I plan to develop and launch some of my own games in market. XXX is widely-known for its high level of technical education and leading positions among Norwegian technical universities and this is why I have chosen this university and hope to be accepted to it.
I have big plans for my future career. Obtaining a quality of master of science from your university will not only strengthen my knowledge in the field to cope up with the fast advancement in the technology but will also help me to in my plans of starting my own business in gaming industry after I finish my education.
With my passion in game and desire to study, I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this program. I also believe that I can make significant contribution to this program.
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,
I really liked how you started off with an anecdote about your childhood and your passion for playing video games, however there are a few spelling mistakes. In the opening when you said, " I always imagined to have a video game in my bed room ..."
It should be bedroom. Other than that, best of luck to you!
Muhammad as much as this essay is called Letter of Motivation, you don't have to write it in a letter format rather in an essay format.
Let me try to help you out.
- to see in a local market and
- was afraid of the crowd and beingget beaten
- I hardly gotget the chance to play
- I saw first saw a computer in my cousin's home
- in my academic career ofin high school and
- I learned a lot in my present job and due towith my dedication,
- Obtaining a quality of masters of science from
- With my passion in the game industry and
- the desire to study,
- well in this program. I also believe that I can makeand render a significant contribution to this programthe institution .
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,( this sentences can be deleted )
That's about it for me, I hope the direct corrections I made helped.
Hey Muhammad, I really like the latter part of your essay that discusses your career plans and how you feel that the master's degree course will help you further heighten your future career achievements. Simply concentrating on these aspects of your professional achievements will already be enough to call the attention of the reviewer to your application. Those parts of the essay are truly the strongest and most relevant points of your essay. That said, I would like to call your attention to the weakest portions of the essay because its inclusion weakens the impact of your theme immensely.
Revise the beginning of your essay. The reviewer is not interested in the story of your childhood and how you wanted to own a video game. As a master's degree student, you should be far beyond those childhood whims that fueled your interest in Game Development. After all, you already have the college degree and work experience to prove that you have more enough abilities to have turned those childhood interests into a reality. Right now, the interest of the reviewer is on how you, as a professional, see yourself achieving greater heights or accomplishments as a game developer.
By focusing your essay on the fact that you have the professional acumen and exposure to the various game fields, you will be able to depict the reasons why you have a keen interest in higher academic studies in Game Development. You have a pretty solid hands-on and academic experience in relation to the field and you have also been faced with the rapid advancement and growth of the various gaming platforms. Explain your interest in enrolling in masters degree studies based upon that foundation. In order to keep up with the game, you need to develop your theoretical and practical skills in relation to the field. That is the reason for your interest in masters studies. Nothing more, nothing less.
When you discuss:
my plans of starting my own business in gaming industry after I finish my education.
Do your best to expand upon this thought. Explain a line of research that you look forward to beginning at the university that will help you realize your dream of owning your own business. Describe the way that you want to have this company that will redefine the gaming industry in the same way that the IPhone redefined how we use the mobile phones. Make this part very strong and memorable. We want to utilize this portion in creating the most memorable content for your essay. It should resonate and be memorable to the reviewer in order to be most effective for your purpose.
For the closing, there is no need to thank the reviewer for reading your application. It is his job to do so. Instead, just close the essay with a final paragraph that depicts how excited you are to combine the new learning process you will be undertaking along with your current skills and the skills you are sure to develop at the university. That is sufficient enough for an ending.
Thanks @mnh78614 for your support and making correction in my spelling mistakes.
Thanks @ justivy03 for your correction in sentence making.I really appreciate that.
Thanks @vangiespen for your effort and contribution in helping me and pointing out my strong and weak points in essay.Surely i will make required and suggested changes in the letter and post again.And i really grateful to you.Hope you will help me again when i am done with changes.i will post the letter soon.
Muhammad, it's our pleasure to be able to help out and on behalf of EF we thank you for supporting and continued patronage as well as believing in our capacity to provide sound advice.
Please do let us know anyone who needs advice on their writing pieces about EF so we can assist them too.
We hope to see more of your writing pieces in the coming days.
Just a few reminders that you have to consider;
- be objective at all times
- gather facts before writing
- know your prompt and respond accordingly
- keep your introduction strong and follow through
- create a streamline of ideas and maintain it all through out the essay.
Lastly, when closing your writing piece, if permitted, add a sentence or couple of your insights and personal thoughts of the prompt given.
Keep writing!!!
I was born in a remote village of Southern Punjab in Pakistan and raised in a community having very low literacy rate. I was motivated by a school teacher who believed that opportunities are devised by determination and hard work. He advised me to work hard and compete with the student of big cities having better facilities of education.
It was his guidance which made me strong believer of dedication and continuous hard work to achieve goals in life. Followed by excellent academic record in high school it was my passion towards higher studies which made me pass the entrance test of FAST-NU Lahore, one of the top IT institutes in Pakistan. My interest in computer science is not limited to just academics but since childhood I was zealous in playing computer games which always took me to the world of imaginations and creativity as I also used to make sketches of games models.
Computer science was the field where I could see the practical form of my imaginations and that's why I always tried to be the best in practical work rather than theoretical. With learnt skills of coding, confidence built by performance, appreciation received from instructors and the peers I found myself surrounded in a company of IT intellectuals. It encouraged me a lot to excel my skills. I started participating in programming competitions which helped me enchant my confidence and affirm my skills at international level. To analyse my skills are on the right path, I participated in and won a programming competition organized under ACM-ICPC in 2011.
I was highly curious to find a way to advance my skills and vision beyond this institute into global spheres. Along with improving programming skills, I started focusing on reading blogs, magazines and researches to meet the gap I had for growing up in backward area. This helped me shape my visions and carve out a career path aligned with my interests and passion: Gaming industry. After graduating I joined Pakistan's pioneer games development company XXX. It is a global company which helped me a lot to transform my imaginations into realities. I have been a proud member of the racing team which have produced success racing games like XXX,XXX, XXX having 3 million plus downloads on google play and App store. I firmly believe that gaming industry will be revolutionized with augmented reality and virtual reality technologies. Apart from this, gaming would not only be an entertainment exercise, it will also be used for purposeful insights into human nature tracked by specific game designs and the decisions made during the game. Also, gaming can never be ruled out in internet of things. With this vision, I struggled to equip myself not only with higher education and state of the art skills, but also with global experience and exposure to internalize market research, end-users experience and to learn from experts of global standards. This led me to apply for the program Applied Computer Science at your university.
I am passionate and committed to turn my dream of entrepreneurship into realities in pursuit of attaining personal satisfaction, but there is no denying the fact that such successes bear no fruit if humanity is not served. My goal is to leverage gaming industry by utilizing social sciences to find insights of human nature and to help improve them. This may also help the game developers to teach their end users through specific designs and missions of the games. I am hopeful this program at your university will equip me with required knowledge and skills and it will prove as a strong impetus to revitalise my career.
Hi Muhammad, the revision you made is not bad, but it definitely had room for editing and improvement. So, rather than trying to explain to you the edits that need to be done and the reason behind them, I decided to save us both some time by editing your paper offline. I basically restructured your paper so that it would be more along the lines of a motivation letter with a clear insight into your future career. The revisions I made really tightened the focus of the essay and showed your potential career path. Here is what I came up with:
My interest in computer science is not limited to just academics. Since childhood I was zealous in playing computer games which always took me to the world of imagination and creativity. such was my interest in the gaming world that I often later on found myselfcreating sketches of games models.
I believe that Computer science is the field where I can see the physical form of my imagination. Having learned coding, having my confidence built by my performance, receiving the appreciation of my instructors and the peers led me to find myself surrounded by a company of IT intellectuals. It encouraged me to improve my skills. I started participating in programming competitions which helped me enhance my confidence and affirm my skills at an international level.
I was highly curious to find a way to advance my skills and vision beyond this iinstitution into global spheres. In order to prepare myself for this pursuit, I improved my programming skills, started reading blogs, magazines and researches to meet the gap I faced in my perceived areas of technological programming weakness. This helped me shape my visions and carve out a career path aligned with my interests and passion - the Gaming industry.
After graduating I joined Pakistan's pioneer games development company XXX. I have been a proud member of the racing team which have produced success racing games like XXX,XXX, XXX having 3 million plus downloads on Google Play and App Store. I firmly believe that the gaming industry will be revolutionized with augmented reality and virtual reality technologies. Apart from this, gaming would not only be an entertainment exercise, it will also be used for purposeful insights into human nature tracked by specific game designs and the decisions made during the game. Gaming can never be ruled out in the internet of things. With this vision, I stroved to equip myself not only with higher education and state of the art skills, but also with global experience and exposure to internal market research, end-users experience and learning from the experts of global standards. This led me to apply for the program Applied Computer Science at your university.
I am passionate and committed to turn my dream of entrepreneurship into a reality. My goal is to leverage the gaming industry by utilizing social sciences to find insights into human nature and to help improve them. This may also help the game developers to teach their end users through specific designs and missions of the games. I am hopeful this program at your university will equip me with required knowledge and skills.
I hope that you will not be offended by the changes I made. Everything that I did in terms of revisions were for the betterment of your paper :-)
-... imagined to have a video game in my bed room which . I used to see in A local market and people dying to play, fighting for their turn but ... = i think you can reduce this sentence, it is to long
-... I saw first computer in my cousin's home THATit was totally a magical machine for me...
-... games for the rest of my life as[.] I had become my passion ...