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Letter of Motivation - program in Management / social sciences, law and business


AlanWakeMax 1 / 5 1  
Feb 16, 2014   #1
Hello.
I need to write a motivational letter to study abroad. As I know, I need to describe my best qualities in an essay form and reasons for going abroad, not like a fiction art story and not very stereotypical too. There are no strict limitations or instructions given for the amount of words and other things, but I have a brief note of what should I include in the letter.

Hopefully I can get some feedback and comments on grammar, logical structure and links, as well as some advice of how to write this type of letters.

The prompt:
- why do you choose this particular university/program;
- goals of studying abroad;
- mission/tasks of studying abroad;
- what results do you expect (social, academic, professional, etc.);
- explain the pros of choosing you as a candidate to study on this program.


The letter

Once upon a time, when I was 6, it was a rainy summer day and I needed to get on the 16th floor of an apartment house. There were two elevators, a passenger elevator and a heavy weights elevator. I pushed the elevator button, and soon the bigger one came down to me, so I stepped in and pressed the button "16". The doors closed but the lights turned off and the box didn't start to go up. I was very scared, panic seized me and I started crying and screaming for help. That was a nightmare. That was my first ever English lesson.

For the whole year after the incident I was using the stairs to reach my teacher's apartment on the top floor. Looking back now I see a little boy with a big desire to achieve the goals he had set up. I've been learning English for 12 years already, and I have always tried to find out something new. During my last couple of years at high school I was required to choose a university to apply to after graduation. Since I wanted to work in a big multinational corporation or even start my own business, and instead of Maths, Chemistry or Physics I enjoyed Sociology and History, I decided to enter Management department at [my current uni].

Though I was not sure whether I had made the right choice, after more than two years of studying I can undoubtedly state that I'm completely satisfied with my education here. And now there is a possibility to study abroad - my dream comes true! There is hardly a single European capital I haven't visited, so when I saw the list of countries I could move (travel? go?) to, (there was) one word that immediately catched up my attention: [xxx]. This country itself is very variegated (as well as being the convergence of cultures?). Since there are many international students of various nations studying there, it will be a golden opportunity for me to learn about different cultures.

Among many [xxx] universities, I am strongly impressed by [yyy] due to being the largest social sciences, law and business university in Europe. The [zzz] program will provide me with both theoretical and practical management skills and also will give me an intercultural review of global business, which would increase my chances to get a better job in the future. The unique experience of foreign education will definitely improve my knowledge of English, especially speaking and writing skills. Moreover, I think it is going to be so fun trying to teach the students some Russian words, and hopefully I could pick up (acquire?) a bit of [xxx lang] as well.

However, it might sound dishonest if I say that education is the one and only reason to go to [xxx]. Of course there are plenty of other things which I'm really looking forward to. I aim to establish a network with many international students in order to stay in touch, help each other and probably have a possibility to work together in future. Furthermore, I will make new friends and spend (have?) a great time during my academic and extracurricular activities. What's more, I'm fond of travelling and suppose I could visit some other EU's countries if I had a chance.

P.S. Things in brackets are the ones which i'm not sure about. Any idea how to conclude it? Probably say that I'm very attentive and careful man etc. so I would be a great canditate?

Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 16, 2014   #2
Once upon a time, when I was 6, it was a rainy summer day and I needed to get on the 16th floor of an apartment house.

Hey this sounds like a poem. I don't think "once upon a time" would do any good for your sentence :( .... Better avoid that !

That was my first ever English lesson.

Why do you say its your first ever English lesson? What's the connection with this incident and your English learning? That's pretty too abstract :( It's actually not clear why you wanted to tell that story. You need to have a better connection!
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 16, 2014   #3
AlanWakeMax:
Once upon a time, when I was 6, it was a rainy summer day and I needed to get on the 16th floor of an apartment house.
Hey this sounds like a poem. I don't think "once upon a time" would do any good for your sentence :( .... Better avoid that !

Yes, I too agree with Pahan. This does not add the effect you expect it to add to your writing. Instead it gives a kind of misleading start :(

It is not clear to us why you talk about English in your first few paragraphs. Also I too feel the story you have begun this letter has not got any relevance to the latter part of your writing. I feel you better re-do this letter all over again.
OP AlanWakeMax 1 / 5 1  
Feb 16, 2014   #4
Thanks for your feedback!

Well, the idea was to show that i've overcomed difficulties - I used the stairs to go up which is a bit tough, and my first scary lesson didn't stop me from coming once more [...with a big desire to achieve the goals he had set up. I've been learning English for 12 years already...], but probably i could rewrite it with some other story of my life or start the letter in different way...

I'm talking about English because I'm from Russia and this language is my biggest hobby, which i refer to stating [...The unique experience of foreign education will definitely improve my knowledge of English] as one of the main reasons for going abroad.

What if I start with [...I've been learning English for 12 years already...]? Just get rid of the first paragraph. Is it any good?

What about the other parts?
OP AlanWakeMax 1 / 5 1  
Feb 16, 2014   #5
What do you think about this beginnig? It's meant to show I'm not only interested in studying but I'm a musician as well, also I excluded English and put Management instead (however, thats a little bit unfair =( but it's not required to tell the truth? ;) ). Sounds like better to me...

When I was 6 years old, my mother wanted me to enter a music school, but I told her I don't want to. Four years had passed, my music taste had been developed from pop to Metallica, and I realised I want to play guitar. I started saving money, whilst watching tons of concerts and lessons on YouTube and soon I managed to buy my first ever guitar. Of course it was a bad and cheap one, but I completely fell in love with its red color, C-shaped body and 24 frets. No one has ever teached me how to play, I have learned everything on my own: I listened to a composition - wanted to play it - learned how to play it until I'm perfect. Now I can perform almost every single Metallica song.

As you can see, music is one of my biggest passions. Management is another thing which I've always been excited about. At school various events like "UN general assembly" took place, and one could often see me among the participants. During my last couple of years at high school...

P.S. I'm really not sure about the tenses in this paragraph =(
OP AlanWakeMax 1 / 5 1  
Feb 18, 2014   #6
I've written it in a bit different way with another beginning. Could you tell me something about it?

When I was 6 years old, my mother wanted me to enter a music school. I told her I don't want to. Four years had passed, my music taste had been developed from pop to Metallica, and I realised I want to play guitar. I started saving money, whilst watching tons of concerts and lessons on YouTube and soon I managed to buy my first ever guitar. Of course it was a bad and cheap one, but I completely fell in love with its red color, C-shaped body and 24 frets. No one has ever teached me how to play, I have learned everything on my own: I listened to a composition - wanted to play it - learned how to play it until I'm perfect. Now I can perform almost every single Metallica song.

As you can see, music is one of my biggest passions. Management is another thing which I've always been excited about. Different events like "UN general assembly" took place, and one could often see me among the participants. During my last couple of years at high school I was required to choose a university to apply to after graduation. Since I wanted to work in a big multinational corporation or even start my own business, and instead of Maths, Chemistry or Physics I enjoyed Sociology and History, I decided to enter Management department at Plekhanov Economics Academy.

Though I was not sure whether I had made the right choice, after more than two years of studying I can undoubtedly state that I'm completely satisfied with my education here. And now there is a possibility to study abroad - my dream comes true! There is hardly a single European capital I haven't visited, so when I saw the list of programs I could apply to, there was one word that immediately catched up my attention: Austria. This country is my all-time favourite. What I like the most is the fact that the country is very variegated. People are friendly and polite with a good sense of humour, so there wouldn't be any problems for me to socialise. Since there are many international students of various nations studying there, it will be a golden opportumity for me to learn about different cultures. Among many Austrian universities, I am strongly impressed by Vienna University of Economics and Business University due to being the largest social sciences, law and business university in Europe. During their program for international students I will have many opportunities to discover European style of management and to obtain a well-founded education related to business administration.

Obviously, my primary target is to develop my managerial and business skills theoretically and practically, which may increase my chances to get a better job in the future. Secondary. the unique experience of foreign education will definitely improve my knowledge of English, especially speaking and writing skills. Moreover, I think it would be so fun trying to teach the students some Russian words, and hopefully I could learn a bit of German as well.

However, it might sound dishonest if I say that education is the one and only reason to go to Austria. Of course there are plenty of other things which I'm really looking forward to. I aim to establish a network with many international students in order to stay in touch, help each other and probably have a possibility to work together in future. Furthermore, I will make new friends and spend (have?) a great time during my academic and extracurricular activities. What's more, I'm fond of travelling and suppose I could visit some other EU's countries if I had a chance.
Purwati Ayu 7 / 14 2  
Feb 19, 2014   #7
I suggest you to more concern about your abilities and achievements, your story may be not too considered by examiner.

my music taste had been developed from pop to Metallica

better you use had been changed, because 'developed' means the transformation of one thing, not one thing to another.

apply to after graduation

just apply after graduation without 'to'.


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