I need help editing my personal statement for optometry school please! Grammar, structure & punctuation
Prompt: Please describe what inspires your decision for becoming an optometrist, including your preparation for training in this profession, your aptitude and motivation, the basis for your interest in optometry, and your future career goals. (4500 characters)
Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. As a first-generation college student growing up near Long Beach, none of my extended family members pursued a professional degree. I had no one to look up to for inspiration, but my mother was always present throughout my life. She was the fuel that fed the fire. She was the one who constantly reinforced the notion of "if you have the brain to do it, do something great with it". As long as I could remember, I loved learning new things and challenging my mind. My family thought I wanted to become a veterinarian due to my love for animals. As I started to mature, I considered being a bioengineer and the idea of a veterinarian quickly diminished. My focus was directed to math and science in my high school courses and there was no looking back. I knew I wanted to pursue a career in science while helping people, but I was unsure which path to take.
In the process of discovering my path, I became a high school tutor during my first two years as a college student. In my freshman year, I was multi-tasking two part-time jobs and a full-time class schedule. In the beginning, I thought of tutoring as just a "job". My view quickly changed as I started getting more involved with the students. I worked for a state-funded program called Trio, which selected high school students from low-income families to guide them to be first-generation college students. Since math was my forte, my manager asked me to work individually with a sophomore who was severely struggling with her geometry class. I was pleased with the parental cooperation and support displayed regarding the student's grade. After one of the sessions, the student's mother revealed to me that both of her daughters suffered from a rare genetic eye disorder called retinitis pigmentosa. This disorder affects the eye's ability to respond to light and results in a progressive loss of vision. The student's mother was concerned that her daughter's condition could be the cause for her learning impediment. I assured her that we would work as many hours as needed, reviewing the chapter lessons to improve her math grade, in addition to homework help. I was determined to raise the student's grade as well as spark some interest in math. I reminded my students I was a student as well learning new things every day and there are some endeavors to overcome but what matters is to never give up. During tutor sessions, I was overjoyed with the student's great effort and advancement in her least favorite subject. I was astounded discovering she had skyrocketed two letter grades by the end of the quarter! There's no greater feeling than seeing a student succeed right before your eyes. Every day I worked for this program, I got to experience that and watch seniors depart to their dream universities. Tutoring was the most rewarding job I have had. Helping others accomplish their goals is priceless.
After hearing about the eye disease that affected my student, I decided to do some research on my own time. I was interested in what caused the eye to lose its vision acuity and I had so many unanswered questions on retinitis pigmentosa. Having to visit the optometrist yearly, my nearsightedness started to progress and I was always curious as to why that was the case. During my research session, I saw myself getting intertwined into a different world of medicine, health, and science that I had not considered before. This new unexplored world captivated me and I was left wanting to know more. A few months after my new found interest, I visited my optometrist. Regardless of my ever-changing prescription, visits to the optometrist's office was an event I constantly looked forward to. At the appointment, I flooded the doctor with questions about my eye health, vision, and her career, ultimately. I have always had a positive experience at the optometrist's office and that day I declared my profession.
Once I decided on optometry as my career path, I firmly stood by my decision. I realized I needed more experience in my desired field. I was fortunate to intern and work for a well-respected ophthalmologist and two other optometrists in the Davis area. I felt very honored to work for a doctor with such modest and genuine character at heart. I worked at the front desk helping patients check-in, scheduling eye appointments, and collecting insurance information. After graduation, I moved back to my hometown and proceeded to shadow optometrists in my area. I shadowed an optometrist that is very involved with the community I live in. He organizes a low vision non-profit organization and I was intimidated at first, but his wonderful personality and engagement with his patients humanized him in my eyes. Aside from shadowing optometrists, I decided to work for the Trio program once more. I was reminded of how fulfilling helping the future generation was, therefore, I became a peer mentor/tutor/instructor teaching biology, chemistry and math putting my biology degree to use. My future goals once I am an optometrist would be to give back and serve the low-income community I live in. I would want to first join a group practice and with time, own my own private practice. Being bilingual would help me accommodate the majority of the Spanish speaking patients who live in the area.
Prompt: Please describe what inspires your decision for becoming an optometrist, including your preparation for training in this profession, your aptitude and motivation, the basis for your interest in optometry, and your future career goals. (4500 characters)
Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. As a first-generation college student growing up near Long Beach, none of my extended family members pursued a professional degree. I had no one to look up to for inspiration, but my mother was always present throughout my life. She was the fuel that fed the fire. She was the one who constantly reinforced the notion of "if you have the brain to do it, do something great with it". As long as I could remember, I loved learning new things and challenging my mind. My family thought I wanted to become a veterinarian due to my love for animals. As I started to mature, I considered being a bioengineer and the idea of a veterinarian quickly diminished. My focus was directed to math and science in my high school courses and there was no looking back. I knew I wanted to pursue a career in science while helping people, but I was unsure which path to take.
In the process of discovering my path, I became a high school tutor during my first two years as a college student. In my freshman year, I was multi-tasking two part-time jobs and a full-time class schedule. In the beginning, I thought of tutoring as just a "job". My view quickly changed as I started getting more involved with the students. I worked for a state-funded program called Trio, which selected high school students from low-income families to guide them to be first-generation college students. Since math was my forte, my manager asked me to work individually with a sophomore who was severely struggling with her geometry class. I was pleased with the parental cooperation and support displayed regarding the student's grade. After one of the sessions, the student's mother revealed to me that both of her daughters suffered from a rare genetic eye disorder called retinitis pigmentosa. This disorder affects the eye's ability to respond to light and results in a progressive loss of vision. The student's mother was concerned that her daughter's condition could be the cause for her learning impediment. I assured her that we would work as many hours as needed, reviewing the chapter lessons to improve her math grade, in addition to homework help. I was determined to raise the student's grade as well as spark some interest in math. I reminded my students I was a student as well learning new things every day and there are some endeavors to overcome but what matters is to never give up. During tutor sessions, I was overjoyed with the student's great effort and advancement in her least favorite subject. I was astounded discovering she had skyrocketed two letter grades by the end of the quarter! There's no greater feeling than seeing a student succeed right before your eyes. Every day I worked for this program, I got to experience that and watch seniors depart to their dream universities. Tutoring was the most rewarding job I have had. Helping others accomplish their goals is priceless.
After hearing about the eye disease that affected my student, I decided to do some research on my own time. I was interested in what caused the eye to lose its vision acuity and I had so many unanswered questions on retinitis pigmentosa. Having to visit the optometrist yearly, my nearsightedness started to progress and I was always curious as to why that was the case. During my research session, I saw myself getting intertwined into a different world of medicine, health, and science that I had not considered before. This new unexplored world captivated me and I was left wanting to know more. A few months after my new found interest, I visited my optometrist. Regardless of my ever-changing prescription, visits to the optometrist's office was an event I constantly looked forward to. At the appointment, I flooded the doctor with questions about my eye health, vision, and her career, ultimately. I have always had a positive experience at the optometrist's office and that day I declared my profession.
Once I decided on optometry as my career path, I firmly stood by my decision. I realized I needed more experience in my desired field. I was fortunate to intern and work for a well-respected ophthalmologist and two other optometrists in the Davis area. I felt very honored to work for a doctor with such modest and genuine character at heart. I worked at the front desk helping patients check-in, scheduling eye appointments, and collecting insurance information. After graduation, I moved back to my hometown and proceeded to shadow optometrists in my area. I shadowed an optometrist that is very involved with the community I live in. He organizes a low vision non-profit organization and I was intimidated at first, but his wonderful personality and engagement with his patients humanized him in my eyes. Aside from shadowing optometrists, I decided to work for the Trio program once more. I was reminded of how fulfilling helping the future generation was, therefore, I became a peer mentor/tutor/instructor teaching biology, chemistry and math putting my biology degree to use. My future goals once I am an optometrist would be to give back and serve the low-income community I live in. I would want to first join a group practice and with time, own my own private practice. Being bilingual would help me accommodate the majority of the Spanish speaking patients who live in the area.
