The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only.

jealous friends

I was good at studies, and always stood first in class too, and teachers were proud of me, but does that make me hateful? It was in grade ten that I came to know how spiteful your friends become just because they are jealous of you, especially when they are your best friends sharing the same bench in the same classroom. I was a good friend to all of my classmates, but there were four boys, in particular, who I was very close to. We were the most talkative, noise-making group in our class. While I enjoyed my friend's company, I failed to notice how I had inadvertently made them jealous of me; not until they confronted me, one day. That day I got to know how they hated me, for they thought I was the root cause why they were not getting good grades, and why teachers were not paying them as much attention as I was getting. They accused me that I was in their group simply to hamper their study.

I was heartbroken that day. I had lost four of my best friends. It saddens me to this day, but it made me realize that I need to be more considerate towards people around me. I learned that you don't need an hour to lose your friends that you worked years to gain, so I would lay my life on line if that's what it takes because I know the pain of losing friends and I don't ever want to feel it again. Never!

Though you did not include the complete prompt to your essay, I still read it and from what I understood from this 'setback/opportunity/challenge', your essay does not reflect that. Still on my understanding of the incomplete prompt, I think your essay should reflect in this manner: when you experienced a setback, saw an opportunity and you grabbed that opportunity to challenge yourself irrespective of that setback.

Do provide the complete prompt so we can help you better with your essay.

Rashan, regardless of how you think of the approach to this essay, the fact is that you did not present a very impressive challenge in the essay. Jealousy among friends is common but it does not allow you to portray a setback, opportunity, or challenge. These particular situations are usually found in either an academic setting or an extra curricular activity. Simply being the best student in class does not make this a setback or challenge that presents you with an opportunity. Rather, this just shows the way that friendships function in the academic world.

If you wish to present a more adherent response to the prompt, consider a time when you faced either a setback or a challenge, it cannot be both, and then explain the opportunity that this provided so that you could prove something about yourself. That is the normal way that these scenarios are better responded to. I can probably offer you more solid advice with additional examples once you provide the complete version of the prompt for us to review. I believe that I have given a decent review of your work, with the specifics left for the time after I have read the accurate version of the prompt.

The prompt is "Describe any setback/opportunity/challenge that you have faced and the impact it has on you in no more than 250 words."

I knew it. The story that you related does not respond accurately to the prompt. Like I said previously, you need a challenge that helped you to build character, learn a lesson that you used to help you improve as a person, or just helped you realize that you have abilities that you did not know existed before. Losing friends happens. However, losing friends is not a major setback in your life. You can always make new friends. What we need to provide here is a challenge that was caused by a specific setback in your life. Like say, losing a scholarship because of low grades but then gaining an opportunity to work part time in order to help pay for your tuition fee. That portrays a setback (losing the scholarship), a challenge (how to continue paying for your education), and an opportunity (a part time job that will help you save for the tuition fee). I hope my examples can help you develop a better directed response to the prompt.

@Holt
Thank you ...that was very helpful...I might actually write on something like that...but before that...would you consider losing a chance to be selected in national football team a setback because of your selfish plays in matches to impress a selector?? similar thing happen to me when I was in high school.... can you suggest me how I can make the essay more striking??

Thank you!!

Rashan, that is exactly the kind of setback that this essay requires. I wish you had told us beforehand that you had that experience. It would have saved you the need to revise this particular essay. In fact, you should have written the essay using that scenario even before. It is the perfect depiction for the required statement. I would suggest that you write about that incident in an anecdotal nature. That means you should discuss the situation, what you did to create the setback, then discuss the opportunity to redeem yourself that arose from the situation, then finally, explain how you lived up to the challenge in order to get back to the team. I am not sure how you would write the essay but what I explained to you is how the paragraphs should represent the topic discussions. I believe that I can help you make this essay pop or become more noticeable once you present the new essay to me for review. I always work best when I have something to base my suggestions upon.

@Holt
I have tried my best to describe the sectback here:

One of my biggest mistakes ever was trying to do it all myself. As a key striker of my high school's football team, I felt like I knew everything about playing football. After few inter college matches I found myself spending more time on the bench rather than on the field, perhaps because I was constantly trying to play striker, mid fielder and defender all by myself; all attempts to impress a member of All Nepal Football Association(ANFA)'s player selection committee.

After a few selfish games; not being able to score even a single goal, the coach put me on the bench for the whole season that year. My fellow striker was later chosen to play in under-19 national team, the chance of which I missed and I regret the most. Since I had trained years to be selected in national team, I didn't want to give up, rather I gave up one precious year of my life and repeated a year in high school. Although it cost me a lot of money for another year in the same grade, I was determined to give my best and most definitely not repeat the blunder I did last year; play selfishly in a team game. I worked as an instructor in the evening (to save up money for my school) and practiced football with my team mates in the evening, and on the same year after a quarter final match I was approached by a selection committee member asking me to play in national games.

I am really looking forward to having my essay reviewed by you....

Thank you

Hi Rashan, it seems that you went over the word count by 4 words. I have reviewed your essay and found a part that can be edited in order to bring down your word count. Instead of saying "put me on the bench", simply say, "the coach benched me for the remaining season." that totally removes the 4 excess words, bringing you exactly to 250 words. The second paragraph should be divided into two topic paragraphs. Create a new paragraph at the part that indicates "Although it cost me a lot of money..." That way your paragraphs indicate the following topics in a cohesive discussion flow:

Paragraph 1 - Setback
Paragraph 2 - Challenge
Paragraph 3 - Success

@Holt
Great! Thank you so very much... I will submit this very essay hoping for getting a scholarship.
Thank you once again.

You used so much informal words . In my opinion, this is not a essay , it likes reporting . Vocabulary also is your drawback .You should moreover, therefore,..