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TOEFL> moving to different countries is not good because of losing old friends


ddpddpzzz 3 / 7  
May 15, 2011   #1
Q> moving to different countries or towns is not good because of loosing old friends. D/A

These days, it is natural for people to move from one place to another because of job, marriage, and other family reasons. Therefore, many people think that it is misunderstanding that moving to different places will cause losing old friends Also, they say that it is better moving different countries and towns frequently for some reasons. However, I do not agree that, moving to strange places, rather than staying a familiar place, is a pivotal role in having successful life. There are two main reasons; to have better human relationships and to avoid from getting stressed out.

First, when it comes to becoming successful in human relationships, moving other places is not better in the end. Some might say that, even if people leave their home town, they can contact their old friends thanks to developments of technology. However, even though they can meet their old friends through the Internet or telephones, they soon will alienate from each others just like the old saying 'Out of sight, Out of mind'. Besides, some people argue that, by going some big towns, people can not only make a wide range of friends, but also broaden their social network. This will be definitely helpful when they need some help. However, suppose that you urgently need 3,000 dollars because of sudden accidents. Do you think that your new friends can borrow big money without any doubts? What if your son has a hard time being adapted in new surroundings? Do you believe moving another places again can solve the problems? Absolutely, not. Only those who have known you and your sons for a long time solve these problems. From having a happy family to making true friends, there is nothing more helpful than staying one place for a long time.

Second, as far as getting stressed out is concerned, staying a familiar place is better. These days, a number of people are stressed out due to the heavy burden of being adapted fast-changing society and the financial burdens. From struggling to be adapted new places whenever you move to spending unnecessary money for relocating your furniture, there is nothing more stressful than migrating other places. I felt these types of discomfort a couple years ago when I moved into Japan due to my father's business. However, since I came back my hometown, I have not been worried about whether I should eat unpalatable foods, whether I could go my destinations without getting lost in the streets, whether I could hang out with my peers in a school. Moreover, there is a interesting report conducted by the sociology department of Seoul National University. It showed that 86.2% cities who had a number of migrations recorded a high rate of stress than which did not. This was a result of being stressed out due to leaving their familiar places. On the other hands, if they keep live in their hometown, rate of stress would be low. This is not an isolated case; a survey in Japan showed the same results for the same reasons. In this sense, there is no doubt it is better to stay familiar place.
irs055 4 / 8  
May 16, 2011   #2
The tone is well maintained ...you could add some more points like leaving parents ,culture and leaving our traditions.The contribution you can give to your country ...i will rate it 7 out of 10.
OP ddpddpzzz 3 / 7  
May 16, 2011   #3
thanks, thanks,

i also think that my points are so light. so i worry that i cannot get high record.

just like your comments, i have to try to make 3rd paragragh !!!
junephysics 1 / 3  
May 17, 2011   #4
the structure of your sentences is very good

just pay attention to the use of intransitive verb

moving other places is not better in the end=>turns to fail in the end

staying a familiar place => staying at

being adapted fast-changing society=>adapted to

migrating other places=>migrating to other places

whether I could go my destinations without getting lost =>reach my destination

86.2% cities =>86.2% of cities
SamuelWei 3 / 6  
May 17, 2011   #5
1. "Therefore, many people think that it is misunderstanding that moving to different places will cause losing old friends"
"think" is kinda informal. if u use "believe", that would be better
2. moving other places=>move to other places
3. u'd better have a ending to summarize and reparaphrase ur thesis
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 17, 2011   #6
Hi Lee Jay Hong, do you unnderstand all the suggestions from GongLewei?

For example, "...staying at a familiar place..."

I'll try to find other ways to improve the writing, and if you type each sentence correctly several times you might get good habits. :-)

These days, it is natural for people to move from one place to another because of employment, marriage, and other family reasons.

Therefore, many people think moving to different places will cause us to lose old friends. Nevertheless, they say it is better to move to different countries and towns frequently in order to find success. However, I do not agree with the suggestion that moving to strange places, rather than staying a familiar place, is necessary in order to have a successful life.

... they soon will become alienated from each other just like the old saying, "Out of sight, out of mind."

...need $3,000 because of a sudden accident.

Do you think that your new friends can borrow big lend so much money without any doubts?

What if your son has a hard time being adapted adapting to new surroundings?

Second, as far as getting stressed out is concerned, staying a familiar place is better. These days, a number of people are stressed out------good point!!

due to the heavy burden of being adapted acclimating to a quickly changing society and...

I agree with you! It's sad when people move away. I am grateful for the Internet, because it keeps us in communication, but it is not the same as being together!

:-)
OP ddpddpzzz 3 / 7  
May 17, 2011   #7
Whenever you give some corrections for me! I always feel shame..
however, i have to overcome some habitual mistakes!!

Thanks kevin,,!!
YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 19, 2011   #8
Shame!??? Ha ha, that is not an appropriate emotion to feel. I have been trying to learn Spanish, but if I try to type in Spanish it is full of errors! So, you should feel pride, not shame. All bilingual people should feel pride in this era of globalization.

:-) you are cool.
bahareh 18 / 50  
May 19, 2011   #9
Hi;
there are some minor errors like:
whether I could hang out with my peers in a school.... at school
Only those who have known you and your sons for a long time solve these problems...who have known you and your son can solve these problems.

I have not been worried about whether I should eat unpalatable foods, whether I could go my destinations without getting lost in the streets, whether I could hang out with my peers in a school...is it necessary to use many WHETHER in this sentence? OR you can verify it by other words?

Moreover, there is a interesting .... an interesting
I think you did great job!
bahareh
mywill 4 / 10  
May 19, 2011   #10
There are some words as well as structure you should make change. I do not mean it is meaningless but in this context, it is not apt and I call it collocation. Let me set you some examples, straightly from your stuff.

1. many people think that it is illogical / unreasonable that moving to different places will cause losing old friends.
2. when it comes to becoming successful in human relationships ---> when you make a good relationship / good contact/ build a close relationship, it is not easy to move other places in the end -> at all


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