"Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1

I am applying to the Peace Corps, and have drafted the first of my application essays. I'm a little worried that it is a little too impersonal. Please let me know what you think. I appreciate any and all feedback! Thanks :)

Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. You have
provided information on how you qualify for Peace Corps service elsewhere in the application.
In the space below, please provide a statement (between 250 - 500 words) that includes:

- Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
- How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.
- How you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).

During my tenure as an undergraduate student, I embarked on a long and enlightening journey
of self discovery and identity development. The more research I did, both on a personal and
scholastic level, the more socially conscious I became. As my knowledge about the experiences
and struggles of others increased, so did my realization about the privileges I have been
bestowed. Subsequently, I developed a sense of social responsibility, which I perceive to be a
blessing. A firm believer that one is either part of the solution or part of the problem, I see being
a Peace Corps volunteer as a step in the right direction.

The first step toward making a difference is stripping away all of one's prejudices, and opening
up to what others are willing to teach you. As stated in the Core Expectations for Volunteers, I
am ready to immerse myself in the culture of others. Surpassing the...

Oh, very good... my favorite sentence, here...

to new living conditions under conditions of of hardship, which is the third of the Core Expectations for Volunteers, my motivations take precedence priority over any desire to avoidchallenges discomfort. that I may experience.

Very nice, all the way through. This is great, so you should send it with confidence.
Here, at the end I'll remove a comma:
Upon my return, I plan to purse my desire by attending law school and translating applying what I have learned as I enter public service.

Thank you very much for our help. It is much appreciated!

-Kayla

Hi again, Kayla!

Some of my thoughts...


These sentences seemed slightly vague to me. You didn't explain what journey you took or what research you did.

Surpassing the "us" and "them" mentality, I am willing to make the commitment to live and work abroad while exchanging stories and skills with the local residents.

Word missing:
I pride myself in my ability to maintain a positive and professional (???) of myself and others,


I don't like the word "discovered" in this context. It's as if you are saying that you never knew of Peace Corps earlier.

I think it should be something like: Before I learned about...
It tones down the meaning.

I love your writing style. It's so fluid.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely go back and take a look at that stuff! :)

I wrote a revised draft. Let me know what you think...

Since my undergraduate experience, I have been embarking on a long and enlightening journey of self discovery and identity development. The more research I do, both on a personal and scholastic level, the more socially conscious I become. As my knowledge about the experiences and struggles of others increase, so does my realization about the privileges I have been bestowed. Subsequently, I developed a sense of social responsibility, which I perceive to be a blessing. A firm believer that one is either part of the solution or part of the problem, I see being a Peace Corps volunteer as a step in the right direction toward contribution to social change.

The first step toward making a difference has been stripping away my prejudices, and opening up to what others are willing to teach me. As stated in the Core Expectations for Volunteers, I am ready to immerse myself in the culture of others. Surpassing the "us" and "them" mentality, I will make the commitment to live and work abroad while exchanging stories and skills with the local residents. I want to understand the unique fundamental concerns that need to be addressed from the best possible source-the people who experience them everyday. From understanding comes awareness, and awareness breeds activism.

Though I anticipate it may be difficult adapting to new living conditions, which is the third of the Core Expectations for Volunteers, my motivations take priority over any desire to avoid discomfort. I pride myself in my ability to maintain a positive and professional view of myself and others, and trust that the vulnerability of being outside of my comfort zone will help me create respectful and multilateral relationships with those around me.

I have a deep passion and desire to help others, which is reflected in my experiences, but I do not fit the mold of the "traditional" role of a grassroots activist. The Peace Corps mission gives me a sense of empowerment in this regard through the presentation of multifaceted opportunities, embracing contributions from all walks of life.

It is impossible to anticipate the experiences that serving as a Peace Corps volunteer will bring. What I do know, however, is that I will return with a greater consciousness and a more global perspective. The influential medical researcher, Alan Gregg, put it best saying, "A good education should leave much to be desired." Upon my return, I plan to pursue my desire by attending law school and applying what I have learned as I enter public service.

kayla, this is absolutely wonderful! sorry if this sounds weird but i read your commentary on another poster's essay, and i actually clicked on your name to see if i could somehow contact you/send you a message for you to offer some advice on one of my college short answers. anyways, i came upon this essay of yours, and i agree with kevin, i love this sentence "As my knowledge about the experiences

and struggles of others increased, so did my realization about the privileges I have been
bestowed." i think this is so beautifully phrased and i couldnt agree more with your insight. good luck in being admitted to the peace corps! you seem like a wonderful person :)

Hi Rayban11-

Thank you so much for your comments. I have been obsessing over this essay for weeks, so I really appreciate it! I am also very flattered that you would like me to take a look at your essay. I wonder, which essay is it that you say my commentary on?

I would be more than happy to offer to take a look. Is it the essay entitled "Trying and Learning New Things"?

kaybee, yes that is the one! but i warn ahead of time that my essay pales in comparison to yours!

thank you so much for your wonderful essay, it was really inspiring to me. normally, i feel like these prompts are very cliche, but i really felt like you meant it and that you really care. i dont know what it is from your essay that makes me feel that way, but i really feel your sincerity. best of luck!

Maybe I'm missing something, but I still don't get what you mean by journey and research. How are you discovering yourself? What do you mean by identity development? I think you should follow up those sentences with one explanatory sentence.

When you mention journey, you should also mention path.
For example, a philanthropist takes the path of philanthropy in the journey towards salvation.
^^^What a lame sentence!!! hahaha

Anyway, if you disagree, you can ignore all that I've said. I was just talking about what your essay made me think. I wanted to show that all readers may not get the meaning you intend to portray. Of course, the selection committee will comprise of far better readers than I am.

Your essay is great already.

Hi Ershad-

I always appreciate feedback, no matter what. In regard to "identity development," it is also a concept (like "safe space"). It usually starts in childhood, and continues through adulthood...it's a constant process. There are a lot of theories about it, so it can be complicated to explain.

As far as journey vs. path. I though about putting the word "path" in there, but I'm not really sure what the path for me is. To me, a path is something that is already constructed, and guides you on your way. I don't really have that. I dunno. It didn't really feel appropriate for my situation. I see where you're coming from, though.

In my essay, I meant that I discover myself through my research and experiences...and some of those discoveries were my social consciousness, my desire to help others, and my goal to contribute to social change. Maybe that's not especially clear?

I guessed so, but don't you think it would be better if you add a sentence to explain it a bit? After all, this is not an academic essay where you are sure that the readers will be already aware of all the technical terms.

^^^Just some food for thought :)

Hi Ershad-

I appreciate you you being so diligent with your feedback. However, I would feel more comfortable leaving those terms in. I could really use more assistance on my second essay if you have the time. Thanks!

-Kayla

Ok, cool!! :)


If you post a new draft, then I'll definitely take another look.