Hello everyone,
I am new this site but I have been looking through the threads and it appears to be a great source of help. Their were really no specific instructions on what to write for this University only for it to be between 400-500 words. Here is what I have come up with. Please let me know what you all think and please be brutally honest. Thanks
This decision to seek a PhD began as an interesting one, whereby, I found myself torn between the merits of law school and doctorial work. While both would undoubtedly have a lasting impact on my life, I feel a PhD in Administration of Justice would allow me to make the biggest impact on the Criminal Justice system and society.
In my academic and professional career, I have always possessed a certain drive and zeal for the completion and achievement of my goals. Once I set out to achieve something there is no stopping me. While seeking an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice, I managed to serve as the President of my fraternity and University Pan-Hellenic Council, all while maintaining a 3.74 GPA and finishing in less than three years. Within two years and while maintaining a 3.73 GPA, I received my commission as a Military Intelligence officer and a Masters degree in Criminology. While in the Military, I received training in counter intelligence and aerial surveillance along with service in Iraq.
Currently I am a Special Agent for the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement. As such I have been given a unique opportunity to see firsthand some of the challenges facing our current Criminal Justice system. In my capacity as a Special Agent, I have been charged with the enforcement of many of our countries laws. I have participated in or led investigations into major narcotics traffickers and dealers, child pornographers and many types of scam artist. While often times these investigations spark little controversy, I have also participated and led investigations involving our countries' immigration laws. Political issues including race and immigration issues arising from these cases are often politicized by those who lack a true understanding of the complex issues involved.
The issues faced by our current Criminal Justice system are not just limited to immigration and traditional criminal activities, but now in a post 9/11 world we have the added influence of terrorism, terrorist and the effect they have on our system. This evolving element has caused us not only to reevaluate the way we fight wars but also the way we enforce our laws. It has raised questions into some of the most seasoned and longstanding principles of our Criminal Justice and Legal system including Miranda, interviewing techniques and even raised questions into the jurisdictional status of where such individuals should and will be brought to justice. I am interested in researching the correlation between these issues and how ones political affiliation affects the policies relating to these issues.
After careful consideration, I believe your university exemplifies everything I am looking for in a PhD program, highlighting a published staff and advance curriculum, with seminars in Terrorism and Homeland Security. I believe the scholarly research and training your university offers combined with my experience would give me the perspective and edge necessary to effectuate positive policy change.
No using "whereby," no using "as such"... You write really well, so we can take it to the next level by applying the psychology of this sort of thing. I don't know how to explain why whereby and "as such" are not good... but I bet you can intuit what I mean.
This decision to seek a PHD began as interesting one no need to tell the reader it was interesting. Decide what experience you want the reader to start with, and write the sentence with purpose... , whereby, I found myself torn between the merits of law school and doctorial ---- I think you should not capitalize these... but opinions differ about this sort of thing.
work; while (no comma necessary here) both would undoubtedly have a lasting impact on my life I feel a PHD in Administration of Justice would allow enable me to make the biggest impact on the Criminal Justice system and society . --- this is very vague. The thing to do is try and stun the reader a little at the beginning and get them to really take interest. The main idea of your first paragraph has to do with the decision between doctoral work and law, but I don't think that is the best way to start.
The best way to start is with a paragraph that... well... as I look at that next paragraph, I see that your experiences are super-impressive. I recommend starting with an intro paragraph that states your intention in a clear way, tells the reader what ideas will be included in the essay, and ends with a thesis sentence that captures the main theme of the whole essay.
Good luck! And thanks for all your service to us Americans!
