I want to provide a positive change to other's futures; PA/Personal Statement

Here is a pretty rough copy of my general personal statement for PA school. This essay is not meant to be school specific. The guidelines given by CASPA, the centralized application center for PA schools, are "In the space provided write a brief statement expressing your motivation or desire to become a physician assistant. Keep your statement general as the same essay will be sent to all schools you will apply to. Your statement must be written in your own words and may not exceed 5,000 characters (not words)." I'm current at 5,404 characters with spaces.

Please, any advice, comments, critiques, grammatical errors, anything at all is more than appreciated!

As I stood off to the side of the operating room, sterilized from head to toe, I watches as the operating team worked cohesively to secure the bleeding of a young woman. With my eyes fixated on the incision, I watched as the hysterectomy began; each step of the surgery was performed methodically. Suddenly, something unexpected happened that caused a gush of blood to shoot over the drape and beyond the patient's head. In an instant, the team's cooperation shifted to another level. All of the members performed their specific tasks, all while anticipating the others' next move. I watched in awe as no orders were given; everyone knew what needed to be done and they did it. Moving further back to ensure that I would not be in the way, I could feel my initial panic slowly fading as I watched the meticulous actions of the various medical staff. A life had been saved. Instantly, I knew that I wanted to work in an environment that would allow me to be an independent service provider, yet remain an integral part of a medical team.

I was fortunate to have this pivotal experience as a high school senior. I was part of the New Visions Health Program, which afforded students desiring to pursue careers in medicine the opportunity to shadow different medical staff at Northern Westchester Hospital Center. Over the course of that incredible senior year, I became CPR certified, gained a deep understanding of medical terminology, and saw numerous procedures while shadowing clinical staff. I knew I had made the right decision by foregoing typical senior year classes so that I could plant my feet firmly on the path towards a career as a physician assistant.

After graduating from college, I challenged myself by joining a field I knew absolutely nothing about. I accepted a position as a Life Skills Instructor at a habilitation program that services adults with disabilities. This area was completely foreign to me, yet completely intriguing. At any moment I act as a mentor, caretaker, and friend, filling whichever role is necessary to assist the forty individuals the program services. I quickly realized that I was able to impact the lives of others, reassuring myself that I was headed down the path to my future. Every day provides me with a different challenge, forcing me to learn and adapt constantly. I have developed a solid understanding of what it means to be patient and to have compassion for others.

My employment at this program also led me to work as a home health aide for a woman with a brain injury. Despite her physical and mental limitation, she possessed a passion for life that became apparent to me as I provided her with one-on-one support. She recounted how her life had been before her injury, never once abandoning her positive outlook on life. This struck a chord with me as I grappled with my own mortality. I realized how fragile life is and how quickly and mercilessly the lives that we know can be ripped away. She reminded me that in my own lifetime, now matter what I accomplish, the difference that I make in the lives of others would be my legacy.

I recently spent time shadowing a physician assistant in the emergency room of a local hospital. This experience allowed me to get a glimpse into the busy routine of a physician assistant. As I followed her around the emergency room, I got the chance to watch her perform procedures and interact with patients. What impressed me was how she juggled caring for numerous patients without compromising the time and attention they deserved. Despite her busy schedule, she never seemed to rush a patient or their family. She took her time asking questions to get to the root of a patient's ailment, engaged them or their families in small talk, and even cracked an occasional joke. I admire this quality and hope to treat my future patients with the same level of respect. This opportunity to interact directly with a physician assistant has been immensely valuable in solidifying my conviction that this is the only career for me.

Through hard work and determination, I have been able to reach goals that once seemed unattainable. Despite struggling with poor grades in the beginning of my college career, I was able to raise my GPA significantly by refocusing my efforts on attaining the grades I knew I was capable of earning. I am very proud of this achievement. I am positive that this same determination will carry me far in my career pursuits.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson perfectly exemplifies all that I strive to achieve in life. I want to impact the lives of others through medicine. I am confident that I will make a different in this world. To make a difference in someone else's life, to me, is the ultimate satisfaction and proof of a successful life lived.

I like it:) maybe when you make your final draft write it in a fewer word bcz of the word limit.

thank you soooo much!!!

"Anything at all" is not sufficient.

Below are some general comments. If you'd like me to edit this paper, I'll be glad to do so IF it isn't due tomorrow and IF you take my suggestions to heart:

1. Reread the prompt. You have only implicitly expressed your desire to be a PA. Too much---far too much, really---of this essay is a list of things you've done. No effective essay is controlled by facts or events. In fact, every paragraph except the conclusion begins with a fact.

2. Your sentence variety is far better than average; from a mechanical standpoint you're an excellent writer. Your essay does NOT need much proofreading. (Proofreading done incorrectly will harm this paper.) Rather, it requires the most subtle of editorial changes.

3. Part of the "subtle editing" to which I refer above involves the removal of words that serve no purpose. Without giving away all my professional secrets, here are a few of these words:

---this, that (the pronoun form, not the conjunction)
---the verbs "to have" and "to make" (Yes, I know Emerson uses "make." Keep that one.)
---it
---positive/negative
---thing

Not ALL of these need to removed in EVERY instance in EVERY piece of writing...but they pretty much do need to disappear from yours, especially given that you have a wordiness problem.

I also see a couple of misplaced modifiers.

Anyhoo...the quality of your writing alone distinguishes this from two-thirds of all admissions essays. Unlike most of the admissions essays I see, this one will NOT hurt your chances, even when I take into account the problems noted above.