Hey, this is my personal statement for the UC, it would be great if I can get any feedback and advice on improvement, Thank you!
The night was calm and ceaseless as I came in front of my street and saw the light coming from my mother's bedroom. I entered trying to sneak my way past the creaking front door, when a continuous sobbing came from down the hall caught my attention. As I peered into my mother's room, I saw my mother on the ground with nothing but the sound of prayer in Spanish. I walked right next to her and asked her what was wrong and her watery brown eyes peered into mine and told me "Mijo, this isn't the life I wanted for you". I began to tremble as she told me she would suffer so much if I were to drop out of school. I felt the solicitous attention from my mother on my shoulders. That day changed my life.
Growing up in San Jose and Milpitas was tough, through the viewings of gang violence and poor minority backgrounds. I depended mostly on myself, since my parents were constantly at work, to get the basic tools to understand every day school lessons. This was a daily routine throughout my elementary and beginning of middle school. Until, my school interest went down because of the associations I made with male students that neglected education. They felt that their lives were set and to just live life right now on doing whatever we pleased. I too was falling with the group's violence and thoughts.
But, this all changed when that night I had the heart to heart talk with my mother. I decided to give up all the friends and culture I had, in return for going to a charter school. It was difficult to adjust to the large amounts of homework and tests at KIPP San Jose Collegiate, but I did not let that stop me.
"Keep going Mijo, and never give up" my mother's daily words to me, which inspired me the most.
The opportunities that I took gave me the drive to keep pushing myself to rise to the top and make my mom's daily words of "Be successful" into reality. I decided to take on the challenge and change my mind-set. I began to build close relationships with my teachers by being active in class or challenging myself academically. I decided to take the AP World History exam even though I could not take the course. My dedication and resiliency began to grow and made me want to strive to be my best. The more I got into school, the more I began to be recognized for my hard work and grades.
Still, there are two worlds I see today: one where only about 58% of male Latinos graduate from high school, and only about 16% graduate with a bachelors degree, where a majority of male Latinos flunk out of high school or become incarcerated due to drugs or gang violence. The other world I see is the world I shaped on my own, where my hard work and accomplishments have made me into a positive Latino role model.
Through my accomplishments and struggles, I never forget about that night that changed my life. I know my struggle still continues to change the world I come from and there will always be obstacles and new things for me to learn, but I will always be reminded of my mother's inspiring words.
They felt that their lives were set and to just live life right now on doing whatever we pleased
that sounds like an awkward sentence consider revising
However,this all changed when that night I had the heart to heart talk with my mother.[
I decided to take the AP World History exam even though I could not take the course.
if your going to mention this, then mention the score you recieved
Still, there are two worlds I see today: one where only about 58% of male Latinos graduate from high school, where only about 16% graduate college with a bachelors degree, where a majority of male Latinos flunk out of high school or become incarcerated due to drugs or gang violence.
also, try to edit the last sentence, change it with something that will make them remember you. other than that its really good!
They felt that their lives were set and to just live life right now on doing whatever we pleased.
they felt that their lives were set out for them and that they can go on doing as they please. (Something like this)
I really like your essay. I am from San Jose so I know about the world you come from. I am not sure the UC admissions officers do however. Try to paint a picture of what is like and the challenges you face so they can better understand your life. The first sentence is a little cliche and you need to do some adjusting. It's as if you are trying to be too literary. But overall a great essay.
How was the night "ceaseless"? That adjective doesn't make any sense and I think I'd get rid of it.
"when a continuous sobbing coming from down the hall..."
"I depended mostly on myself to get the basic tools to understand everyday school lessons because my parents were constantly at work." The phrase about your parents being in the middle of the sentence is more confusing and choppy.
anyone want to help me with my Penn State personal statement about Alice in wonderland?? I have to finish tonight and I am struggling a great deal with it
