'Responsibility of the eldest' - Statement of Intent for Master of Management (Finance) at MBS.

Hi! Tania here ! I am applying for Master's at University of Melbourne and honestly, I am really not good in writing such an essay. I have not much experience that I can share to tell why I choose this master's course. Ultimate reason why I choose this course is because I like accounting since i was in high school and i think finance is closely related to accounting and it's more dynamic and requires more analytical thinking. The other reason is because soon after my master's completion, I would be joining a company where I am currently doing my internship for a managerial position in finance. Below is my first draft and I really hope you can help me to improve my SoI.

Being the eldest in my family, I understand that sooner or later I have the responsibility to provide financial assistance to my family. Hence with a postgraduate degree, it will help me to excel my career prospect and achieve my goals. Get the chance to study accounting since I was in high school has made me to be in love with this subject which was why I decided to pursue my study in accounting and finance field. Looking at my degree result for finance subjects where I did not score quite well has pushed me to take a further study in finance especially for corporate finance. I believe a master's degree in Management (Finance) offered by University of Melbourne would provide me not just a promotion for my future career, but also a solid foundation and practical skills that would be required by the industry.

During my undergraduate course, I have shown my consistency with a strong academic result. Furthermore, I actively involved in various students clubs; Theater, CPA ASC, Charity, Indonesian Student Association; and their activities like organizing events, doing some voluntary works, performing for certain events and joining some academics and non-academics competitions.CIMA Global Challenge, PNB Investment Quiz, MASISWA and Maybank Go Ahead Challenge were some competitions that I have joined. Despite of losing on those competitions, I have gained myself valuable experiences that sharpen my soft skills which I believe is one of important factors to determine a success for undertaking a master's degree.

Since August 2015, I have been doing an internship for six-month period at a private company in Indonesia engaging in Cargo and Shippingindustry. During this period, I will have a job rotation in Logistics, Finance and Accounting department which will allow me to have a better understanding on how the system works. Soon after my completion of master's degree, I will be joining this company for the managerial position in Finance. Therefore, this course would help me to later improve the existing financial system in the company.

Lastly, I am suitable candidate for this Master of Management (Finance) since I have a strong interest in Finance and this course offered by University of Melbourne as Top 1% Business School in the World would excel my career prospect and widen my knowledge in the field of finance. Moreover, choosing Melbourne as my study destination is another challenge as I have never been to this country. But,I am looking forward to the global opportunities and challenges offered by this city. I believe studying in Melbourne at the University of Melbourne is a great choice as I would be able to learn from the great professors and experience the international exposures from people from all over the world.

I am looking forward to pursue my study in University of Melbourne and I really appreciate your time in considering my application. I hope this information has portrayed my personal motivation to take further study in Finance as well as my academic ability.

Help ! Application's closed soon

Tania, there are a number of problems with your statement of intent. The first and biggest problem, is that you placed your actual intention at the end of the statement instead of in the introduction where it belongs. The reviewer is not interested in the fact that you will eventually be the financial head of the family. He also does not care about your college academic undertakings nor the clubs, and competitions that you participated in. In fact, those portions of your statement prove every reason why you should not be considered a strong contender for a masters degree. You never discuss any shortcomings and negative aspects of your application. That is never done. Unless you really want to make sure you don't get the student slot. Take those out of the essay. Take out all references to your family. Take out all references to your college degree. Concentrate on your internship at this financial house. That is the only way to strengthen your statement of intent.

A statement of intent, in case you do not know it, is supposed to let the reviewer know all about your future plans after you complete your masters degree. It is similar to a statement of purpose in that respect. That means you need to propose a goal for your reason of study and clearly explain why this goal is important to your career aspirations.

In case you are having a problem figuring out how to fix your essay, I can suggest a way that you can do that. In your last paragraph you state that you: " have been doing an internship for six-month period at a private company in Indonesia engaging in Cargo and Shipping industry. During this period, I will have a job rotation in Logistics, Finance and Accounting department which will allow me to have a better understanding on how the system works. Soon after my completion of master's degree, I will be joining this company for the managerial position in Finance. Therefore, this course would help me to later improve the existing financial system in the company."

This is your statement of intent.This is what you should develop as your goal. Explain how completing the masters degree will help you achieve career success at this corporation. Outline your goal plan and relate it to the training that the university offers. Build up the end result of your plans and make sure to sound encouraging. Discuss your accomplishments as an intern. Do not dwell or mention any negatives you have or had. Just be as positive as you can be. Make sure that this paper will strongly support your statement of purpose when the time comes.