SOP for Master in Computer Science and Information Technology

Please review my essay
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I was not sure what the computer could do. I have looked at it as just a machine that can help me type and organize documents. It was also helpful for browsing the Internet. However, my understanding of the computer has changed completely when I was 16 years old. In 2003, I was chosen as a gifted student among 60 others in [CITY] region, [COUNTRY]. I was nominated to finish the enrichment program in the field of computer science and information technology. The program took place in the Institute of Public Administration under the supervision of [XXX] Foundation for Giftedness and Creativity. The 2 months program was focused on developing the students' abilities in computer science, thinking skills, and research skills. During which, I developed, for the first time in my life, a library management software. Since then, my vision of the computer has changed. I became more interested in computer science and my decision to chose my major in the university was very easy.

I joined the college of computer science and information technology in [XXX] University in [CITY], [COUNTRY]. I earned my bachelor's degree with a major in information technology. During that time, I enjoyed learning about: Artificial Intelligence, Web Applications, Operating Systems, Computer Security, and Data Structures. All of which helped me in building my fundamentals in the computer science field.

In the last year of my study, I joined a group to develop our graduation project "Interactive Campus" which is an indoor positioning system. It locates people's positions inside the campus buildings using WiFi 802.11 and cell phone. IC is a program for mobile devices developed using C++ and J2ME. It measures the signal strength of the wireless network then uses fingerprinting technique to locate the exact position inside the building. IC also creates an interactive environment for its users through chatting & profiles. This project helped me develop my abilities in working with networks and databases and programming for mobile devices.

After graduation, choices were limited for me. I had to choose between working as teacher in the education sector or proceed to study in other fields that I was not interested in. At the same time, I was busy preparing for my wedding ceremony. I decided to join my husband in his trip to finish his education in the United States. Since I came here, I was enthusiastic about earning my master's degree in the States and learn more about my field. I thought I might go back to my country with a higher degree and I will have more career options.

When I read about the master's degree in computer science in [XXX] University I said to my self that is what I am looking for. I became more certain when I visited the campus during spring break. I met with a number of employees from the computer science department and the international office. They were very friendly and helpful. I would hope that I get my chance to join this great university soon.

Regards,

Hi, I have a few suggestions for you:


Since you are using past tense in the first paragraph, I think it may help if you change 'have looked' to 'used to look'


when--> since


I think you should combine these two sentences to improve the coherence, because usually it is 'chosen to do something'. I was thinking, maybe you can change to something like this: "In 2003, I was chosen, together with 60 other gifted students, to finish..."



I think that in these two cases it would be better if you join all the sentences together. The new sentence will be quite long, but it sounds less abruptly cut off.


Change and to a comma, don't have two 'and' consecutively


was--> has been?


I would change to something like this: When I go back to my country, a higher degree will give me more options to pursue my career.


You may want to link these two sentences with "... office, who were..."

Overall, I think you essay is an interesting read, especially the part about your project. However, I think you can elaborate more on the difficulties you have in your career choice and why was that so (perhaps because of your country?). Other than that, good work!

Thank you for your suggestions I will definitely consider them before I submit my essay.

I was not sure what the computer could do when I was a child. I looke d at it as just a machine that could help me type and organize documents. It was also helpful for browsing the Internet. However, my understanding of the computer has changed completely when I was 16 years old.

When you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
I became more interested in computer science, and my decision when choosing my major at t he university was very easy.

I think this is supposed to have capital letters. I think it's a proper noun:
the College of Computer Science and Information Technology

Keep the verb form consistent:
I had to choose between working as teacher in the education sector or proceeding
working or -----------> proceeding

When I read about the master's degree in computer science in [XXX] University I said to my self, That is what I am looking for.

I think you should write a little more about what your long term goals are. Show them a glimpse into your future.

:-)