Hello Everyone, this is my first time here and I really need help proofreading this essay for a thesis masters degree. I look forward to hearing your feedbacks.
I started to write this personal statement on the 4th of August 2020 without grid electricity supply. Growing up in Nigeria, access to constant grid electricity is absent and citizens usually have to support their energy needs with fossil fuel-powered generators. In addition to the power problem, the Niger Delta has been polluted by oil spills from petroleum firms drilling for crude oil and vandalized pipelines from militants in the country, something which will continue to have devastating consequences on the health of citizens. Along with doing everything that I can to protect and clean up the environment, I want to provide sustainable means for Nigerians to meet their energy needs. This has been the motivation for my choice to study mechanical engineering.
During my undergraduate years, I took a special interest in renewable energy classes and chose to do my final project work on renewable energy systems specifically photovoltaics. The highlight of the project was the application of solar energy to power a water pumping system that supplied enough water to a community in Abeokuta, Nigeria. It tackled problems such as the high cost price of fuel, high maintenance, and carbon emissions associated with engine-driven/grid powered pumps. I am seeking admission into the Paul M. Rady Department of Mechanical Engineering M.Sc. program at the University of Colorado to continue to investigate environmental impacts on the efficiency of Photovoltaic systems.
In addition to my educational experience, I interned with The American Solar Energy Society (ASES) in Boulder Colorado, where I am volunteering with a team of undergraduates from the University of Colorado to design a Carbon Emission Tracker in the Zero Emission Network (ZEN) program initiated by ASES. The goal is to help the public take steps toward lowering their carbon emissions in many areas of life. I am also a member of the technical division where I conduct paper submission reviews for the Solar conference, organize webinars, lectures, papers for both professional and public audiences.
Getting admitted to Paul M. Rady Department of Mechanical Engineering gives me the opportunity to further research air quality control and emission measurement, improving photovoltaic systems efficiency, and Sustainability. I would look forward to working with Dr. Shelly Miller and continue the research on Climate change mitigation and how improving the weatherproofing of low-income homes affects health and indoor air quality in Colorado.
My objective for the M.Sc. thesis program is to combine academic study with practical experience, and I believe that CU offers extraordinary opportunities for these endeavors. I am confident that I can contribute to the program through research, publication, and multidisciplinary collaboration. The location of the University of Colorado makes it accessible to the National Renewable Energy Laboratory that provides state-of-the-art research internships in renewable energy. I believe having these institutions of learning and experience altogether in a location within reach would boost my chances of being an excellent student and will bring an unmatched work ethic to the department and the University.
I find your essay well written...
I have two points to give as feedback, hoping that they will improve it.
1. Would be nice to explain what were the benefits that the village/region where you installed the solar energy pump got, the benefit you mentioned there were just the general benefit of solar powered pumps to engine powered
2.Would be nice to find a way to explain what is your role in the internship you are doing currently.
Wishing you best of luck
Thanks a lot.
I will make more changes as per your comment.
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I am not sure what you are trying to do here. Are you writing a motivational essay? A tentative thesis proposal? A statement of purpose? Which of the 3 are you actually trying to write? Each of those essays have specific and definite formats you have to follow. At this point, I cannot really figure out which way or what this essay is trying to go. you say that this is a thesis essay for a masters degree. So you are presenting a tentative thesis proposal? Then you called it an introduction essay. So, it's a personal statement? The content of the essay is mostly related to a statement of purpose. The title you chose is "Personal Statement", so that directs the essay in another way as well. Unless you can clarify what you are actually trying to write, either by giving me the writing prompt or, you clarifying which of these essays you are really trying to develop, I cannot help you improve this presentation.
I am trying to write a personal statement. The program is for a professional masters, but students interested in switching into the MS Thesis later in the program, are encouraged to describe faculty and research groups with whom they are interested in pursuing research in the Personal Statement.
@ndangalasi already mentioned points where you can improve your essay. I agree with those points, and I wanted to add another point as well. In the introduction, you mentioned that your motivation for pursuing the Masters Program is "to provide sustainable means for Nigerians to meet their energy needs". However, in the last paragraph, where you are talking about your objectives, you said nothing about Nigeria. To improve the coherence of your overall message, I suggest that at the end you add another paragraph to talk about helping Nigerians again as a strong conclusion to your essay.