Hello! I need your honest feedback on my SOP before I submit it. It is proofread only once. I also used parentheses and alphabets to make some things anonymous. Here are some of my questions..
Is my introduction interesting enough to catch committee's eye?
Should I be more specific on my research interests and professors whom I'd like to work with?
Is it okay to mention two different things as my research interests?
In what parts should I be more specific or elaborate further?
Does my essay flow logically from start to end?
Any suggestions on strengthening the conclusion as well as the overall essay?
Thank you in advance!!
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As a child, while most young girls were signing up for the Girl Scouts, I joined the Young Astronaut Council; I liked science more than camping. This fervent interest in science lasted throughout my childhood, carried on unhindered when I moved to the U.S. from Korea at age 14. On the first day of biology class in my new American high school, I had to draw and label human internal organs, but I had no idea what their names were in English. At first, I feared that the language barrier would keep me from doing well in America, but working intensely to catch up with my peers paid off: I graduated high school in the top 5 percent of my class and was accepted to (university name). I chose Biology as my major with no hesitation.
Faced with a crossroads at the beginning of college, I decided that my goal was to become a doctor rather than a scientist. I was fascinated by the mysteries of the human body, and the idea of serving others was what propelled me towards a career in medicine. However, new experiences I gained during my fourth year of college completely redirected me and ultimately revealed that my true desire was to become a scientist.
After spending my first three years of college gaining clinical experience, I decided to devote my last year of college entirely to research. I first came to Dr. X's laboratory as a volunteer, attracted by his research, which focused on the cell and molecular biology of mitochondrial metabolism and age-related diseases such as diabetes and cancer. Although I did not expect it to happen so immediately, Dr. X allowed me to design and execute my own experiments after carefully watching my work ethics and learning skills. I was assigned to investigate the anatomic site of beta3 receptors expression that mediates thermogenesis in animals.
While I have been diligently trying to address this question, I've simultaneously been learning various laboratory skills, from extracting tissues from mice to using PCR to quantify the amount of beta3 receptor mRNA. In a short amount of time, I have learned to conduct an experiment independently and was successful in the verification of data published in other labs that the beta3 receptors are present in adipose tissues. Another experiment involved examining whether muscles cells express the beta3 receptors upon differentiation, and I learned to grow myoblasts and differentiate them into myocytes in cultures. As a result, I was able to show that the beta3 receptors are in fact also in muscle cells and play metabolic functions. These new findings from Dr. X's lab were presented at a conference in Japan in July 2009 and will soon be published in a journal. Through my undergraduate research experience, I tasted the intoxicating joy and excitement of discovery, and it heightened my desire for advanced education in biomedical science.
Another decisive experience came when I was chosen to be a participant in (Leadership Conference) hosted by (organization X) in July 2009. I had the opportunity to interact with many undergraduate and graduate students, and professionals, in various science and engineering fields. I was especially inspired by the speaker's descriptions of overcoming hardships as foreigners and their efforts to promote Korean-American scientists' roles as leaders at the national and international levels.
Hearing about their efforts to realize their vision for a future generation of scientists was very motivating, and the inspiration I received at the conference soon transformed into action when my friends and I initiated a Young-Generation (YG) chapter of (same organization X) at (my university). As a student chapter, our goals are to provide educational and professional networking opportunities and to extend students' interests in science and engineering. Through our newly founded chapter of the X, I look forward to seeing these goals take root and develop throughout the academic community hear and beyond.
During the course of my undergraduate studies and research, I developed special interests in heart disease and cancer when I encountered a report from the World Health Organization predicting that cancer would overtake heart disease as the world's top killer by 2010. In my mind, it suddenly seemed more necessary than ever to research heart disease and cancer, so that I could help put an end to these health crises.
Based on this motivation and on my experience in cell and molecular biology, I'd like to pursue a graduate degree in the field of cardiovascular or cancer biology. I have found many on-going research projects within (your school's) graduate program that align with mine. Specifically, I'm interested in Dr. A and Dr. B's research on telomere and telomerase in cancer and Dr. C's research on cardiovascular development and cancer biology. The fact that there is so much focus on these areas at (your school) makes it my top choice.
While my short-term goal regarding my graduate studies is to obtain Ph.D. in biomedical science, my long-term goal is to advance my knowledge of biomedical science and provide useful innovations to society. As a means to do so, I would like to work for a national organization like the National Institute of Health or National Cancer Institute, or participate in the Intramural Research Programs of NIH. I developed this idea after I read a book published by the National Research Council called 'Large-Scale Biomedical Science: Exploring Strategies for Future Research.' It mentioned several on-going large-scale projects funded by the NIH that embrace broad implications of all fields of biomedical research. This is the environment in which I would like to work, where collaboration among many individuals who bring to the table their own fields of specialty leads to a solution to one overarching problem. I am a good team player and would like to use this ability to promote the well-being of humanity.
I believe the most important aspect in my choosing a graduate program is to choose the one that would best maximize my potential as a researcher. Because of its demonstrated focus on various biomedical research, I have no doubt that (your school's) graduate program is the one that would do this for me.
Prevent is a better word here: would prevent me from doing well in America,
Hearing about their efforts to realize their a vision for a future generation of scientists was very motivating, and the inspiration I received at the conference soon transformed into action when my friends and I initiated... ah, excellent! You write like a lava lamp, always changing form, structure, mood.
You just need to trim it down as much as you can... like this:
In my mind, It suddenly seemed more necessary than ever to..
Less really is more, because the reader can be sort of hypnotized by writing that is dense with meaning. You can use your talent to help other people to write with rhythm and flowing, form-changing sentences... it's really good.
It is indeed good that you mention 2 research interests... but you can condense all of that into a single sentence if you want. Or maybe 2 sentences.. Also, if it is possible to add more detail about the prof's, your plans, etc, add that detail! But do it in as few words as possible!
:)
