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Suggest some ways in which I can improve on "career aspirations" essay?


yennes 1 / 2  
Oct 17, 2009   #1
Dear folks,
Kindly provide constructive criticism on how I can improve on this essay? The word limit is 150 words, and this is one of the essays i am writing to apply for scholarship in biomedical science.

Many thanks in advance!

what are your career aspirations?
I would like to see myself bridging the clinical and basic sciences, and to be crucial in bringing research from the benchside to the bedside. My passion and desire has always been to help people, especially those who are suffering from debilitating diseases. In order to achieve this goal, I would like to pursue a PhD with a scientist with strong fundamental research experience. This is to gain important foundational skills, such as critical thinking and analytical skills. Subsequently, after I have graduated, I would like to pursue a post-doctoral position within an overseas institution with strong clinical focus. This would be an imperative in understanding the acute clinical needs, and vital in building collaborations with clinicians. After that post-doctoral stint, I would like to plug myself back to ZZZZ(country), and contribute my best to the scientific clinical research scene.
brood910 5 / 14  
Oct 17, 2009   #2
hm.. try to show what makes you passionate... Not just saying "I have passion!"
OP yennes 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2009   #3
Hi Kevin,
I had initially thought of relating my past work experience, and how much gratification it gave me to see people regain their sight, and i had played a part in the experiments. After counting the words on this passage, i realised that i had only a space 10 more words, so I am at a loss and I need some feedback.
OP yennes 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2009   #4
This is the revised version, kindly comment. Thanks in advance!

I would like to see myself bridging the clinical and basic sciences, and to be crucial in bringing research from the benchside to the bedside. My passion and desire has always been to help people, especially those who are suffering from debilitating diseases. In order to achieve this goal, I would like to pursue a PhD, which would lay the groundwork for gaining important foundational skills for the benchside, such as critical thinking and sound analytical skills. This will be followed up by a post-doctoral position within an overseas institution that has a strong clinical focus. This would put the basic science in the perspective of acute clinical needs, and become vital in building useful collaborations with clinicians. After that post-doctoral stint, I would like to plug myself back to ZZZ(country), and contribute my best to the scientific clinical research scene.


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