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"Academic Goals,Career Aspirations"-Tuition Scholarship for U of Maine

Oct 23, 2010   #1
Hi.This is the essay prompt
On a separate sheet of paper, write a well-developed, one page essay describing why you should receive a tuition scholarship. Include your academic goals, career aspirations, and reasons for selecting the University of Maine. Please supply any additional information about yourself you believe would be useful to the selection committee.

I am not really confident with this essay as I feel I don't have a strong theme for it and I am not sure if I have my academic goals are clear in this essay.Any criticisms are welcomed.Thank you so much.

My parents have never been to college. I knew they had the same dream as me, the same passion as me to pursue their studies in the tertiary education. Due to the fact of financial difficulties at that time, they never had that chance to do what they wanted. Instead they accepted the duty of being the ones to care for their family. They entered the the working world after high school. They never did tell me about their most precious desires at that time, but I have always known. My parents have always made sure that I never compromised my education. They tried their best to help me with my homework and made sure that I would get the help I needed. They would always say to me that, "No matter what, you'll be getting into the college to do what you want." I intend to accomplish their dream of seeing their daughter going attending college.

I am an obstinate learner who is always longing for knowledge. Coming from a highly competitive high school, I have become someone who likes to challenge myself. I have taken rigorous subjects in school including three Science electives to help me prepare for my pre-medical studies. I have always been a dedicated student, working diligently to always make sure that I am the top of my class. My high school experience was a stimulating adventure where I was always on the hunt for knowledge and ways to improve my intellectual abilities. Thus, Maine University will be my stepping stone for my quest to excel in my pre-medical studies and enter an excellent medical school. The thirst for adventure has not abated for me, in fact, as I prepare for Maine University, the lure of greater achievement and deeper knowledge beckons.

During one of my duty hours as a first aid volunteer, I had to handle a case where the patient had a sudden asthma attack and my first aid knowledge helped her abate the attack and saved her life. I did not just use my first aid knowledge to help her, in fact, held on to her hand and told her to not give up and keep fighting. I realized that by giving her hope to go on, I had helped her to survive. That moment was a turning point in my life. I had found my true calling of being a doctor. The power of making a difference in a person's life is the best gift I could give a person. Throughout the five years of being a first aid volunteer under St. John Ambulance Malaysia, the thing that struck me most is that I was able to witness a person getting better after I treated them. It gave me the highest possible satisfaction as I have made an impact in that person's life. I personally aspire to be someone who brings impact into my community and let that impact spread through. I learned that a person needs love, concern, mercy, sympathy and compassion to recover. As a first aid volunteer, I have discovered that the human touch can trigger hope and healing within an ailing person. By being a doctor, I am able to continue what I love doing the most; making a difference, aiding recovery and even saving lives.

When I discovered Maine University through meticulous research on the internet, I realized that this was the perfect place for me to complete my undergraduate student. As an international student, I have yearned to be part in the United State advanced education system in which Maine is the one university that is able to fulfill my educational pursuits. I have never visited Maine University before, but no other university was able to bring me the same contentment.

EF_KevinThreads: 8
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Oct 27, 2010   #2
not sure if I have my academic goals are clear in this essay

The solution for this problem is always to do some web research and get more specific in your mind about what you want to do.

My parents have never been to college. ---- why begin by saying this?
Oh.. as I continue to read, I understand why. Well, I think you can express the idea of the first paragraph in ONE sentence. I think you should have one great sentence about their sacrifice and combine it with this:

I intend to accomplish their dream of seeing their daughter going attending college.
Express it all in one or maybe two sentences. Do not let it take up the whole introduction, and do not end the first para with a sentence about actualizing their dream.

End the first paragraph with YOUR specific plan. You might have to make one right now. Establish 5 goals for yourself for the next 4 years, and make sure they are goals that will benefit you in your chosen career. Is there a common theme for all your goals? Whatever it is, express it at the end of your first paragraph. :-)

Paragraph 2 is just all vague description of yourself. I think you should get rid of it and make more room to focus on your specific intentions.

In your first and last paragraphs, discuss the areas of specialization that interest you, and maybe even your philosophy of medicine. Google around, and get specific. Give definition to this by adding detail about your plans. A person with detailed plans is a person who is really going to do it.

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