My transcendence to Geotechnical engineer. I feel my essay is lacking something

To the Admissions Department:

The field of geotechnical engineering is broad and diverse encompassing majority of aspects in the sustainable development of civilisation. The nature presents a unique opportunity to learn and evolve constantly tackling fresh challenges which defines an ideal career. Fuelled by my desire to oversee emplacement of viable green initiatives in my country Zimbabwe I hereby apply for Master's degree in Geotechnical engineering.

With a growing populace in cities and land scarcity, infrastructure has had to be constructed in wetlands. Growing concern in the implementation of the practice which has resulted in collapsed houses in my country peaked my interest in soil modelling. Deeper understanding of soil stability and geotechnical design will enable me to cooperate in foundation structure in these situations. The department's partnership with the industry translates to a wide range of relevant research and career opportunities. Volunteering for the Smart Harare campaign demonstrated the value of green sustainable systems even in developing countries like Zimbabwe. The modern learning culture, resources and chance to be part of ground breaking research similar to the soil stability project is a dream for any budding scientist. Studying in the United Kingdom is a rare chance to view green initiatives in practiced is an ideal learning curve. As a Geotechnical engineer it will be my responsibility to ensure projects have minimal impact on the environment. It is my desire to teach the next generation of geologists and engineers in my country.

My geology background allows a distinct advantage in understanding the behaviour of earth materials and geological processes. Coupled with courses in undergraduate study which covered other aspects including the environment, remote sensing, engineering and hydrology. The culmination of diverse fields makes me uniquely qualified to pursue the degree as it's built upon an identical concepts.

Being attached to SRK Consultants and Engineers a company which offers a wide range of services including engineering and environmental assessments in 3rd year was invaluable. The experience allowed exposure to a wide array of technical knowledge from different seasoned professionals including engineers and geologists. During this period I conducted a geotechnical logging exercise encompassing 36 diamond drilled holes each averaging 600 meters. The experience peaked my interest in the field inspiring my grades and final year project, Geotechnical characterisation of the Hopewell orebody in Selous (unpublished). Demonstrating application of geotechnical logging to create models of geotechnical zones which attained a distinction.

Experience gained in project management as site geologist on the Connemara feasibility study and other projects has taught me crucial skills. Organisational structure, critical thinking, reporting, communication skills, time and resource management have all been enhanced in this time. All of these qualities make me adequately equipped to handle the pressure and demands of this program.

The qualities I possess and XxxxUniversity with its resources and modern learning culture is the optimal environment for my transcendence to Geotechnical engineer.
Regards
Tirivashe Gumbie

Tirivashe, I cannot tell what might be missing in this letter of introduction because you did not provide me with a copy of the prompt requirements regarding required information for your letter. At the moment, it seems to be covering all of the bases from the letter of introduction, the statement of purpose, your study plans, and your future goals. It covers all of the required elements in an over view form. However, I am not sure if you provided enough, too much, insufficient, or not required information. Since I can only give you one free advice for this essay, you will need to make it an urgent thread should you decide to post the prompt requirement so I can give you better and more relevant advice. Failure to transform this to an urgent thread means you will not get any more advice from a contributor.

There are a number of under developed paragraphs in the essay in relation to the development of your interest in this field of study and also a misspelled word. The term is "piqued" not "peaked". The former means an increased interest and the latter means the ultimate form. The big difference in the word meaning means the sentence does not clearly represent what you are trying to say and is confusing the reader.

You should try and shorten your presentation to only the most important and prompt relevant topics. It is running a bit too long and may lose the interest of the reviewer midstream. Try to make a more interesting presentation by increasing your description of your activities instead of just summarizing those portions. It is better to show a reviewer rather than tell a reviewer because it is the show part that makes him consider your possibilities as a student.