'I wanted to be just like my mom' - PA School Narrative

This is my first Draft of my personal narrative for my PA school application. Please provide as much feedback as possible! I need all the help I can get. Thank you!

Most kids grow up saying they want to be just like their mom or dad, and I was no different. My mom was a nurse who traveled to various places to do wound care on elderly patients. Since my parents didn't have a lot of money for for a baby sitter, I got to spend the day seeing patients with my mom. I thought this was the most exciting thing ever. Instead of being grossed out by the gaping wounds on these people, I was fascinated and also loved the relationship my mom created with this people and how much they looked up to her and how she loved interacting with them. I knew right then and there I wanted to be just like my mom.

A few years later I was blessed with and little sister who had a life threatening heart condition and had to undergo heart surgery before before she turned turned a year old. Our family spent over a month at the hospital with her, and had to come back up for checkups monthly. My sister also needed very special attention after leaving the hospital. At eight years old, I had taken it upon myself to take care of my sister just like they did at the hospital. I gave Holly tube feedings, and checked to make sure she was never in pain and nothing ever looked too out of the ordinary.

As I grew older, I knew I wanted to work in the medical field but wasn't so sure I wanted to be a nurse. Because of this uncertainty and a transition in living on my own, my first year of college my grades were not as good as what they should have been.

It wasn't until working a part time job as a cell phone salesman that really lead me to interest in a Physician Assistant. People would come to me to try and find a phone and a plan based on their needs. By gathering information on basic daily living I wasAble to make recommendations that suited their needs and their lifestyle. Also, people would come in flustered because of problems looking to me for a solution. I loved sitting with them finding out what was wrong and a actually digging in and finding a solution to their problem. After doing this for a year, I knew I wanted to be able to collect signs, symptoms, and background history of patients and be able to make a diagnosis that solves patients problems and makes them feel better, I knew I wanted to be a physicans assistant. Now having completed two internships in a doctor's office and in the hospital I have never been more sure of my choice in a career path. I am now more focused on my classes, bringing my grades up and obtaining a place on the Dean's list for four semesters, and working on gaining experience as a nurse's assistant on the Medical Telemetry floor at a hospital, paying close attention to the roles that the Nurse Practitioners and PA's play in the hospital setting.

After completing my graduate degree and becoming a Physician's Assistant, I would love to work at a children's hospital just like what my sister was in for her heart surgery. Nothing would be more satisfying than putting smiles on not only the kid's but also their parent's faces while they are going through something really tough or just coming in for a routine visit.

I changed my mind several times before deciding whether or not I think this is an interesting sentence to have the front of your essay. Finally, I decided that I think it is not a great sentence to start out the essay. In fact this sentence even takes some of the power out of the last sentence of the first paragraph - because it makes that excellent last sentence of something repetitive.

If you delete the first sentence of the essay, the last sentence of the first paragraph will no longer be repeating an idea that the reader has already seen. I'd like the essay more if it started like this: My mom was a nurse who...

However I think you can still do even better than that. When you read the essay again you can think about the most meaningful, intriguing message carried by this essay and write a clever sentence about that message. Tack that intriguing, surprising, sentence on to the top of the first paragraph and use it to capture the mind of the reader.

Your writing style is really nice...

Watch out for the typo here -- By gathering information on basic daily living I wasAble to make