hello, this is a letter of motivation for the graduate institute of geneva. If you guys could please help me correct my essay, it would be much appreciated.
To the Admission Committee
Of the Graduate Institute
Of Geneva
The purpose of this letter is to express and to explain my interest in pursuing the Masters in International Affairs at the Graduate Institute of Geneva.
To better explain my motives and show why I should be granted an admission, I would like to start with this little anecdote.
When I was 12 years old, I read the most influential novel of my life. It helped reshape my perception of the world, and in a sense, initiated in me a vision, a dream, and a purpose in life. The book in question (Comedia Infantil, by Henning Mankell, 1998), portrays the atrocities of war, as it follows the story of a 10 years old boy from Mozambique, who wakes up in the middle of one night to witness his village being assaulted by an armed militia. He saw his home burnt to the ground, his father shot to death, and his mother and sisters brutally raped and left for dead in the streets. The boy eventually escapes from being abducted as a child soldier, but only lives a short life in the streets before dying from a bullet wound. It was a sad but powerful story.
The relevance of that story to my letter lays in the fact that after reading such book at an early age, it induced in me a burning questioning about peace and war, wealth and poverty, and how to help undeveloped countries reach economic development and stability.
That naturally led me to enroll for a double bachelors in economics and international relations when I went to college. I received a scholarship from Suffolk University and went to Boston, USA for undergraduate studies.
Through economics, I wanted to learn about the creation of wealth with limited resources, and the functioning of businesses and nations. I did international relations in parallel because I was interested in the nature of the political, economic and cultural interactions between nations, the causes of war, and the laws in the International system.
I gained knowledge in all of that and even more. I learnt about microeconomics and macroeconomics, income distribution, regulation of domestic and international markets, and international trade. I also learnt about foreign policy, diplomacy, democracy and capitalism, the international institutions, conflict management and security.
I developed valuable skills such as critical thinking, quantitative and qualitative research and great analytic abilities. Skills I think would make me a suited candidate for a master's degree in Developmental Studies.
The American experience was also a great addition to what I was learning at school, as it was like the opening and the exploration of a totally new world. I tried to make the most of it, and beneficiated from a few valuable internships and small jobs.
My grades could have been even higher but my first two years in college were very difficult. My father had lost his job and I had no more financial support. I had to work two to three jobs sometimes (bar waiter at night, store clerk during the day and construction on weekends) just to have food and pay for rent. Studying was hard but I still managed to graduate with a 3.4 /4 GPA.
After graduation, I had the chance to do a gap year in China, to learn the language. I was teaching English classes, sharing my experience and gaining new skills and experience from the Chinese language and culture.
In 2015, some friends and I started an association called "Talibe", to help the thousands of homeless children in Senegal that stay begging in the streets. We seek help through the government, privates, and local NGOs to provide food, clothing, and shelter to those children, and we have able to put three of them in school so far.
I'm also currently the assistant manager of the finance department of a local company called EIC, that works closely with the UNDP to build schools, water reserves and other infrastructures in the remote rural areas of Senegal.
I need to get in the Graduate Institute of Geneva because I wish to become a diplomat. I want to be able to work in the larger scale. If I'm admitted to the IHEID, I will excel in my studies, so that I can secure a job with the UN or the local NGOs present in Geneva. I'm aware of the risks to the global health that awaits the future generations: the lack of resources with the ever-growing world population, the threats to global security, all of which the undeveloped nations are the most vulnerable to. Therefore, I want to act my part and make a change in the world. I believe that international cooperation can help achieve better standards of living and development for all, and I come from a place where we need it. Therefore, I want to be an actor and an ambassador of that change for better, and I want to do so by becoming an international civil servant. I wish more than anything to participate in the discussion that will grant the African continent its deserved, needed and neglected right to a permanent seat in the Security Council of the UN. The IHEID would give me all those opportunities and even more.
I'm really looking forward to pursue the Masters in International Affairs at the Graduate Institute of Geneva, and to contribute to all aspects of the university life, so I can develop my academic abilities to their full potential and have a chance to achieve my professional ambitions. I really hope I will get admitted to this program, so I can benefit from all the opportunities the Institute has to offer, and in my turn, make the best out of it so I can become one day a recognized alumni of the Institute, by my work and my achievements throughout the world.
Thank you in Advance for considering my application.
Sincerely Yours,
Hi El,
I think that your essay is old-fashioned though interesting. I only have some comments as follows:
- The 2nd paragraph's context is how your life purpose was shaped. So I believe that this sentence "The relevance of that story to my letter [...] countries reach economic development and stability. " should be moved up to that paragraph as it is the conclusion to your life purpose topic.
- Also, in the same sentence the first two questions are about peace&war, wealth&poverty are somehow related to the story you told, but the last question does not. You might want to have a linking idea here to ease the reader from wondering why war and undeveloped country are connected.
- Your grade wasn't high but if it could be explained in a letter of recommendation from one of your lecture who understand you well. He or she could mentioned that your grade at university did not explain how your actual ability is, for a reason. If there is no such person that close to you, an explanation for a low GPA in the motivation letter is a should. However, I suggest to use more nimble words to address not only this matter.
- You should not use abbreviation in motivation letter. Use "I am" instead of "I'm"
- You have used quite a lot of "I" (I want, I need, I wish, I can, I will, I am, and many more) at the start of continuous sentences. You might want to give your sentences more variety.
HTHs
