TOPIC:
1. In one or two sentences, please describe your immediate career plans upon graduation from Olin.
2. At Olin, we pride ourselves on our close-knit community and aim to know every student by name and story. In an essay of no more than 500 words, please introduce yourself as you would to your future Olin classmates.
Guys, here is my first draft, I am not sure if I meet its requirement. So, help this poor kid out. Any comment or recommendation is highly appreciated!
Ever since the first time I visited Wall Street, all I want to be is a financial analyst: Fast-paced living, fully engaged work and agile coup are so fascinating that I fall in love with finance inevitably.
I began my business school life with major in management at St. Louis University, however, with time goes by, I gradually realized it is too broad and fragile for a undergraduate student to land a job. Then, I was on a long journey to find where my passion is until the day I went to NYSE: The huge screen glittering with dynamic numbers at the crowded stock exchange center reflected the unpredictability of financial market. The Wall Street elites fully applied their wisdom trying to beat the market and win themselves a margin. The scene and curiosity of who is in control of all these have constructed the most magnificent enlightenment in my little mind. And my curiosity and passion for finance is fully triggered by that trip.
After I transferred to the George Washington University, I had much more time and opportunities to cultivate my interests by systemically studying the fundamental courses such as "Money and Capital Market" and "Portfolio Management". I strengthened my quantitative skills through learning "Regression Analysis" and "Econometrics." By learning programming languages such as R and Python, I adopted consistent and detail-orientated habits. Just upon my graduation this May, I took the CFA level I exam, which I will pass by the end of MSF at Olin Initially a pure curiosity, as my interests in corporate finance and investment was, I finally decided that this was the area that I wanted to delve into and take as my career development direction.
It is a long cherished dream of mine to pursue my graduate study at Washington University in St. Louis. An Olin Business School education represents the essential next step toward my future. The practical and well-structured curriculum would place solid foundation for my future needs, and abundant resources would well equip me to solve different puzzles I might face. Olin's practical and professional orientation will facilitate my entry into the financial field after graduation, especially the cooperation with other top-tier universities such as SMU or YSB would create unparalleled opportunities for me to further enrich international visions. I am firmly convinced that my academic work and rich experiences have proved my potential to become an accomplished professional in this field. Therefore, I sincerely hope that you would favorably consider my application and give me this precious opportunity.
Wang, you were able to fully address the first question perfectly with that single statement line of yours. It was very clear that you were influenced by Wall Street and that you are looking to become a financial analyst at the end of all of these studies.
As for your introduction though, I am not sure if you are on the right path there because the instruction was to allow the reviewer to get to know you as a member of the Olin community. I believe that your introduction should be less about your interest in the course and classes that you will be taking and more about who you are in a less formal fashion.
Since you will be introducing yourself to your classmates, the tone of the essay should be casual and upbeat. Maybe give your name at the start of the talk, then tell them where you come from. Talk about some other interests other than financial analysis. For example, what do you like to do for fun? What hobbies do you have? As a member of the Olin community, how to do you see yourself helping your classmates? How would you like them to get to know you as (helpful, dependable, etc.) ? Be friendly in tone and welcoming. Let them feel that you are a warm and personable person whom they will enjoy having as a classmate.
You don't have to rattle off all of the classes that you previously took, nor concentrate solely on your academic side. As a member of the community, you need to show them your casual side and that you know how to balance work and study so that you and your classmates can enjoy the college experience together :-)
Dear Louisa, thanks for your prompt and useful advice.
I have modified my draft according to your suggestions. This time, I tend to stress on my personality side rather than my academic background. Do you it's a good idea to use my original academic background part as additional information for reviewer to assess my candidacy? I attached the optional essay requirement and my second draft in below. Please tell me what you think and where I can improve or re-touch. Your opinion is extremely valuable to me. Thanks a ton!
Essay II Topic:
Please provide any additional information not previously addressed in other areas of the application that you feel would be helpful to the Admissions Committee in its assessment of your candidacy. (300 words)
Essay I:
Ever since the first time I visited Wall Street, all I want to be is a financial analyst: Fast-paced living, fully engaged work and agile coup are so fascinating that I fall in love with finance inevitably.
My name is Meng Wang, come from Huhhot Inner Mongolia, China, a peaceful small town that is only known for its grassland and always happy to help others. I always think I am so fortunate to be born in this place, just as the ancient Chinese idiom says: "Different environment always gives different characteristics to its residents." Maybe that is the exact reason why I am compassionate with helping others. The first school I attended was Saint Louis, but out of desires and eagerness for bigger challenges, I transferred to the George Washington University to test my limit. However, things did not turn out as I expected: The completely new environment and intense courses load totally overwhelmed me, and I was once lost myself and wonder why I abandon everything that I am familiar to come here. The chaos last 4 weeks until my transfer student mentor came to me, guided me how to fit in the new environment step by step and told me I was not alone again and again. At that moment, my desire to help others was lighted up: I joined the transfer student mentor program to help other transfer students who might feel lonely or lost. Because I have been in their shoes before, I know better than those who are not transfer students how to help new transfer students get used GWU environment. The program is not helpful to new transfer students, but also fruitful to me as well. By helping over 20 students, I have gained much life-long friendship, as well as my proud characteristics: always happy to help.
What I have learned from GWU would stay with me lifetime, especially the willingness to help. Given my 4 years international student experience, I am more than happy to serve as a bridge to help new international students to get involved in American college life. Meanwhile, by providing a native Chinese perspective, I could help American classmate to gain more insights about China and increase diversity culture in Olin campus.
It is a long cherished dream of mine to pursue my graduate study at Washington University in St. Louis. An Olin Business School education represents the essential next step toward my future. The practical and well-structured curriculum would place solid foundation for my future needs, and abundant resources would well equip me to solve different puzzles I might face. Olin's practical and professional orientation will facilitate my entry into the financial field after graduation, especially the cooperation with other top-tier universities such as SMU or YSB would create unparalleled opportunities for me to further enrich international visions. I am firmly convinced that my academic work and rich experiences have proved my potential to become an accomplished professional in this field. Therefore, I sincerely hope that you would favorably consider my application and give me this precious opportunity.
Essay II:
I began my business school life with major in management at St. Louis University, however, with time goes by, I gradually realized it is too broad and abstract for an undergraduate student with little management experience to appreciate the art of management. Then, I was on a long journey to find where my passion is until the day I went to NYSE: The huge screen glittering with dynamic numbers at the crowded stock exchange center reflected the unpredictability of financial market. The Wall Street elites fully applied their wisdoms trying to beat the market and win themselves a margin. The scene and curiosity of who is in control of all these have constructed the most magnificent enlightenment in my little mind. And my curiosity and passion for finance is fully triggered by that trip.
After I transferred to the George Washington University, I had much more time and opportunities to cultivate my interests by systemically studying the fundamental courses such as "Money and Capital Market" and "Portfolio Management". I strengthened my quantitative skills through learning "Regression Analysis" and "Econometrics." By learning programing languages such as R and Python, I adopted consistent and detail-orientated habits. Just upon my graduation this May, I took the CFA level I exam, which I will pass by the end of MSF at Olin Initially a pure curiosity, as my interests in corporate finance and investment was, I finally decided that this was the area that I wanted to delve into and take as my career development direction.
excellent
Hi.
I think your second essay should talk more about the connection between your interest and WUSTL. Be more specific how your interest fit into the WUSTL program. I think you have shown your programming skills and CFA exam on your resume. So you can write sth else.
Meng, like I said before, try to limit the information about your academic side. The inclusion of your previous academic experience only works to a certain degree. You can use the part about how you had a hard time fitting into your old campus and then learning about the transfer student group and your participation in it. That will show the reviewer that you are a person who will do your best to help improve the Olin community.
The other parts of the essay regarding the classes and your hopes for your studies at Olin, those don't fit in with this discussion. This discussion is about your and your personality and less about your academics. Maybe you have some other prompt requirement that will be more suited for the information that you shared about your past academics? I think some universities have those types of prompts.
With regards to your essay II response. I want you to make sure that you are not just repeating information that the reviewer can either, get a better idea of in another, more relevant prompt requirement or, something that he can learn for himself by referring to your submitted documents. You don't want to waste this open topic essay prompt by doing either of those things. The prompt is meant to allow you highlight something about your personal, academic, or social background that will show a sense of determination on your end to overcome obstacles or simply complete your course. So just make sure that you are discussing something that is not covered in other aspects of your application with this prompt. Put it to good use.
Now, there are some real grammar considerations to address in your essay. However, I believe that since I am asking you to revise some parts of the first and second essay, that we should hold off on polishing the language until the content or discussion of the essay has been perfected already. There is no sense in constantly editing the language if the language still has a chance of changing.
Meng, if I were to choose between essays, I prefer the second essay.
Here are my thoughts.
Essay II:
- I began my business school life
- withby taking a major in management
- however, withas time goes by,
- The Wall Street elites fully applied their wisdomsknowledge trying
- TheThis scene and the curiosity of who
- AndM y curiosity and passion
- ByIn learning programing
- Just upon my graduation this May came and it's graduation , I took the CFA level I exam,
- which I willwhere I pass by the end of
- I finally decided that this was the areastudy that I wanted to
There you have it Meng, I believe the only thing that triggered your decision making on choosing form the essays you've made is that you are indecisive by nature, you tend to have the "but's" and the "what if's" in your thoughts, try to develop the skill of decision making and not just that, it should be strong decision making. This skill will help you come up with better things in life. Going back to your essay, as you can see I made a few corrections, I hope they help and I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Ivy, thank you so much for your considerate suggestion and careful essay grammar check. Yes, I have made up my mind to choose essay II as my essay and I will try to be more strong when it comes to making a decision. Thanks again, and wish you all the best too.