'Lugogo, Uganda' - Common app essay

Hey guys I just finished my common app essay! Please tell me what you think about it so I can make changes to it.

Lugogo, Uganda - a serene football stadium that is home to Proline Soccer Academy- was where I met one of my closest friends, Isaac. There is a significant difference in our backgrounds. He is an underprivileged orphan whose parents passed away when he was still in his tenderness whereas I come from a middle-class Indian family. Language was a big barrier to our relationship as he could speak very limited English and I spoke broken Lunganda we still managed to express our thoughts and feelings.

I admire him as an individual because he never seems to give up. Despite the fact that his mother died while giving birth to him, his father was murdered when he was six and he is affected by HIV; he has managed to put all all these problems aside and has grown into a person who treats other people with respect, practices openness to new experiences and above all values each and every individual he meets I, on the other hand am more of an introvert, I keep my thoughts to myself, never having the courage to express and easily lose hope.

As time went by, our relationship became stronger and stronger, he used to stand up for me whenever the other kids at the training camp celled me names as I was one of the very few non-African players at the academy and I used to give him advice on how to handle certain issues as he was an extremely short tempered and easily used to get irritated when things didn't go his way. He used to cheer me up with his witty comments when I was down and I used to pull a few pranks on him when he wasn't aware. Small details like these had tightened our bonding. We both had common dream, wanting to become professional football players and enjoy the posh life of David Beckham

There was a day after training where he had got injured and was unable to walk, being his close friend I had taken the responsibility of taking him home. As soon as we reached his home I was shocked, shocked to see the poverty he was living in, it hurt me from the inside to see him living in a dirty shack. I also found out for a living he used to sell boiled maize in a taxi park to get him and his grandmother one satisfying meal.

Later that day I reached home, I got annoyed by the fact that I was taking a lot of things for granted at home while Isaac never had the privilege to take things for granted. He is put through so much suffering, but he was still well motivated to overcome his daily problems without complaining like any other individual. This was the incident that made me change my goal in life; I wanted to become a person who helped people like Isaac to bring a significant change to their lives.

In mid 2010 my parents sent me off to India to finish my high school education, at first I thought it would be hard for me to adapt to this new environment but instead I saw myself fitting in fine. I am finding it much simpler to interact with people and make new friends, handling myself calmly in rough situations and most of all appreciating people for who they are.

If it wasn't for my experiences with Isaac, I would be a very different person. My perspective of looking at other people would have been very different and I would be easily judgmental. Spending time with him has showed how to appreciate and individual and not come to a conclusion about the person after a first impression and treating people with the the respect they deserve to have. I may accept he never changed me into a perfect human being but he has a had a huge impact on a lot of areas in my life

This summer I went back home to visit my parents, after a long time I got the opportunity to meet Isaac, I was happy to see he was moving on in life. He had achieved his dream; he has become a professional football player who players for a Division II club in the Ugandan league. He had somehow got the club to sponsor his house and education. I was happy to see he was doing better in life while I am still chasing my dreams.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

This is an amazing essay, but maybe talk about what you did after your realization? Any involvement with a specific charity? Or any distinguished actions.. even regular but specific actions would do. Also, the ending could be stronger, but your content is solid! Good luck.

Take a look at my CommonApp essay? Desperate :S

I don't see how "Proline Soccer Academy" is important in the first sentence.. just unneeded. Also, a lot of your sentences are very long; you could try to vary your sentence length and structure. Grammar and punctuation revisions within these sentences would make the piece flow much better. One more thing, colleges don't like to see admission essays with contractions, so try to avoid them :)

Language was a big barrier to our relationship as he could speak very limited English and I spoke broken Lunganda, yet we still managed to


Despite the fact that his mother died while giving birth to him, his father was murdered when he was six, and he is affected by HIV


the other kids at the training camp called me names


here was a day after training where he had got injured and was unable to walk, being his close friend, I had taken the responsibility of taking


In mid- 2010, my parents sent me off to India


Spending time with him has showed how to appreciate an individual


me into a perfect human being, but he has


This summer, I went back home

Overall, the essay is strong and has a deep emotional voice. You impressed me and you caught my attention at the start. One thing I suggest is expand more on how the boy has had an influence on you because you don't address that enough. I'm saying this because the purpose of the essay is to talk about the influence of a person on you, and while you did that, you didn't give enough about how he impacted you. Maybe 2-3 more sentence about this impact will make it stronger and more aligned with the prompt.

I hope my advice helps and good luck with your college application essay.

You're a really writer, and I hope you could give my Yale Supplement Essay a read!

Thanks for your feedback guys :)
I must edit this essay as soon as I wake up