Letters / Motivation Letter for CEMS-Master of International Management in University of Economics, Prague [4]

In all honesty, the motivation for your application is not clear at all. You have mentioned information that should be placed in a personal statement. which changed the premise of the essay in total. In order to better explain your motivation, you must first discover what your purpose is. Where do your interests lie? Why do think you need to take this more advanced course?

Think of it this way, your college education was the foundation that you lay for your interest in this field. After creating the foundation, you discovered that there was more to this career than you first thought. Your discovery has helped you realize that there is more to learn about the field and you need to pursue that knowledge because... It is the word because that represents your motivation. What word would follow the statement "I am motivated to pursue a higher degree because..." That is the motivation for your interest in higher studies and that is what you should reflect more of in this letter.

Writing Feedback / If you get a chance to change something in my society which one you prefer ? [4]

Maruf, in your essay, you provided a thesis statement that indicated your intention of improving the transportation system of the country. Now, when you develop your thesis statement, all of your points for discussion should be included in it, usually in a summarized form. This allows the reader to gain an overview of the upcoming topics for discussion. The problem, is that you did not complete your thesis statement. While you concentrated most of the thesis statement on the development of the transportation sector of the your country, your first body paragraph discusses a different point, communication.

Since you discussed a different topic in the succeeding statement, you should have adjusted your thesis statement to indicate two kinds of discussion, that of communication and transportation, within the essay. Now, for the next problem of your essay relating to the topic of communication. That paragraph in particular is the most confusing and unfocused part of your essay development. It does not properly discuss the importance of communication in your country or intentions and, it also contains a number of other topic discussions within it. These made the paragraph the weakest point of your essay.

It will be in your best interest to develop a more proper thesis statement and then open the discussion with a properly formatted paragraph that concentrates on one topic at a time. Keep in mind that you only have 5 paragraphs with which to discuss your chosen topic. So concentrate on the most important parts and develop those discussions rather than trying to discuss everything you can think of in one paragraph or one essay.

Writing Feedback / Essay about young adults wanting independence and living alone or with their parents [3]

Rachel, here is the thing, when you are asked to pick a side to discuss in an essay. you cannot and should never opt to say you have mixed feelings about a topic. Just decide to support one side and discuss it. You won't be faulted for your choice, there are no right or wrong answers to the given prompt. All it asks, is that you pick a side and defend. it.

The best way to have responded to this essay would have been to base it upon your own personal opinion or ideas. You should have asked yourself if you ever found yourself wishing to live independently of your parents. Analyze the reasons why you think that. The line of reasoning that you develop in that aspect would have been the best way to discuss the essay since it asks you to base your opinion upon specific reasons and examples. A personal analysis, opinion, and decision would have reflected a sense of conviction on your part and offered an implied understanding of the thesis prompt.

Undergraduate / Descriptive writing : A outdoor festival in winter in a cold climate [7]

Samuel. your teacher is correct. That is because the sentences can actually still be developed into more complex and informative thought structures. Since this is a piece of writing that is concentrated on the description of the place, I did not bother to bring up the hanging sentence problems because the slight shortcomings that you have in terms of sentence structure did not deduct from your ability to accurately describe the scenario in the essay.

I am not sure what it is that you want me to do for you at this point or what to advice you because I am not your creative writing teacher. It is his job to teach you how to correct your shortcomings when it comes to sentence development. I am only here to comment on your writing style and as far as I am concerned, you are on the right track and have the potential to improve greatly in the future :-)

Letters / Motivation Letter for CEMS-Master of International Management in University of Economics, Prague [4]

Yes, you need to find your main motivation for wishing to pursue higher studies. While having many motivations for your studies is a good thing, you need to be able to pinpoint the main reason why you wish to complete this degree. Think of it this way, when you plan a trip, you always have a destination in mind. Now, in order to reach that destination, you need to know how you plan to get there. By having a plan for travel and a destination mapped out, you know exactly what you have to do in order to accomplish your task. That is the same thing that you need to do and represent when you write your motivation letter.

Consider the program of study you wish to undertake. Think about how this knowledge can help you in the future and whom you hope to help by becoming a more competent participant in the field. Those should pretty much help you find your main motivation for your studies. After that, think of how the university you have chosen can help you achieve those goals. That will be the method by which you hope to attain your objective. Presenting those two solid plans should serve as the main points to be presented in your motivation letter.

Graduate / 'I was never a computer savvy' - SOP TO GET ADMISSION in A MASTERS' of DATA SCIENCES PROGRAM [6]

Franklin, I will try to put this as gently as possible. What you wrote is not a statement of purpose, it is a personal statement. Those are two different essays. The personal statement is used, normally, for college applications, while the statement of purpose is mainly used to apply for masters degree applications. The overall content of the essay that you presented does not contain any relevant information towards a masters degree application. It is more geared towards a college application. Therefore, and I really hate to say this, you have to write a totally new draft. One that will allow you to better represent your qualifications as a masters degree student. I know, you are wondering how you are supposed to do that since you got this application draft so wrong. There are actually a few pointers that can help you sort this out.

1. Just summarize your college education. Discuss the point after you graduated when you realized that you need to gain higher studies and training in order to succeed in this line of work. \

2. Analyze and present your most important reasons for wishing to continue with these studies. Note your future career plans at that point, regardless of the fact that you do not have any actual work experience. By actual work experience, I mean that you have yet to acquire professional credentials in the field.

3. Even though you lack real world work experience, I am sure you had to undergo some sort of internship program in order to complete your college degree, present that as it will help to at least offer an idea as to the kind of hands on exposure in the field that can help you succeed in this field.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, I cannot believe that it took you all of this time before telling me that your motivation for the course is based upon your dream of working for NASA. You should definitely include that in this essay. In fact, your essay should have revolved around developing that career objective for yourself from the very beginning. I wish you had told me about this sooner. Now I feel like we need to revise the essay in a major way in order to insert his highly important information in it.

Do me a favor, please insert the information about your NASA dream in the essay. Place it at the point where you believe it will work best for your essay application. I want to see in what context you plan on using that information. Then post the revised essay here so that I can review it and let you know of the content adjustments that we need to get done in order to make the new version of the essay work with parts of the original. I hope you won't be very angry with me because I am asking you to do this. I assure you, the essay will be better off for it.

Graduate / Statement Letter for University of Glasgow (City Planning & Real Estate Development MSc) [5]

Putro, are you writing a statement of intent or statement of purpose for this university? I need to be sure of the type of statement you are writing so that I can give you the advice applicable to the application you are writing. Each statement that you are required to write for a masters degree varies in content and theme, depending upon the objective of the essay. That is why I need to be sure of what kind of essay you are writing.

A word of advice though, and this applies regardless of whether you are writing a statement of intent or statement of purpose, remove the first two paragraph of the essay that you currently have written. You are not writing a policy paper critique. Therefore, the definition and explanations that you have at the beginning are of no interest to the reviewer. Always offer your personal information and more pertinent data upfront. don't leave it for the 4th paragraph as you have done so now.

Graduate / 'Highly ranked institution' - Graduate application essay for M.Sc construction management [4]

Sagar, please od not refer to email communications with other students in your application essay. That is the worst kind of hearsay recommendation that you can use for this sort of application. It sounds more like you are just taking the word of someone else rather than actually looking into the background of the school and its relevance to your application. In fact, I believe that you should not mention any reason as to why you are considering the school for your application unless specifically required by the application form. If it is not required information, please just remove that and the reference to the environment of the school location. Those are unnecessary pieces of information that don't add to the information as to why your application should be considered instead of the others applying along with you.

Your essay can also be more effective if you remove the paragraph that indicates:

Xxx University is one of the world's premier technical Institutions; especially both the partner departments for the CM program, department of architecture and Industrial sciences is consistently ranked among the best. ...

You don't need to describe the school to the reviewer. He is more familiar with the university than you will ever be. This sort of discussion is just a waste of space. If you remove it, the essay will be shorter, more focused, and deliver only the important and required points of the essay.

By the way, do you have any other instructions for this motivation letter that I should be taking into consideration as I review it?

Scholarship / 'The KGSP seems like a dream come true for me' - Introduction Letter - KGSP/Master's scholarship [2]

Stan, your reasons for studying in Korea under this program are not very clear. As such, you were not able to properly offer a response to the following questions:

o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

I think that you were not able to properly represent your motivations for applying because you did not really inform the reader about what course of study you wish to pursue in relation to your college degree or career enhancement opportunities. You should consider revising the latter part of your essay to specifically mention information related to that aspect of your application. Look at the sample essays here for this very same scholarship, those should give you a better idea as to how to respond to the motivation part.

As for the reasons for studying in Korea, the reasons you currently have listed are not impressive at all, does not really offer a familiarity with the Korean culture, history, or business leadership position in the world. All of which would have helped you to better explain the important considerations for wishing to study in Korea. Consider the masters degree you are applying to and how Korea has helped make its mark in that field up to the present time. Then consolidate the information you will find into a paragraph that can best reflect your personal interest for wishing to study in Korea. Don't just gloss over it, offer details, that is what is important for the reader to know about.

Undergraduate / Installation artist hoping to transfer to SAIC this fall- I really need a fresh pair of eyes! [2]

Giovanni, instead of discussing the Fibonacci Sequence at the start of your essay, why don't you just immediately discuss your scientific inspiration instead? The mathematical equation you present at the start, although interesting to read, takes too long to get through before you even get to the sentence that introduces your own artistic thoughts in relation to the sequence. Instead of having to explain the sequence and its importance to your art, just discuss your art.

If you go directly to a discussion regarding your art, you will find that you will then be able to focus on the other aspect of the essay that you did not properly represent, actually, you did not represent it at all in this essay, I speak of the following instruction:

Please also include information about community service projects, exhibitions you have participated in, or any other activities that contribute to the making of your work

While you explain where you get your inspiration for doing your art work, you don't really explain how this type of activity has helped to make you a better person and develop a marked sense of community through your life experiences. You should mention things like your charitable activities, or civic work that has inspired your art in order to better represent the aforementioned aspect of your prompt discussion. Without a reference to it, your prompt does not come across as completely informative as an introductory tool.

Graduate / 'Highly ranked institution' - Graduate application essay for M.Sc construction management [4]

Sagar, you are right that the university admissions officers want to know why you chose their school. What they do not want to know about, are the generalized reasons for your interest in the university. These general pieces of information include publicly known information about the university such as their ranking, their general programs, their student community, and even, information about their cafeteria. In this case, your statement carries only general information and thus, becomes non-effective in impressing the reviewer. You don't need to remind them of their everyday workplace experiences in your graduate application.

Impressing the reviewer is based upon the way that you depict yourself as having done your homework about the background of the school. For example, tell them you want to attend the university because one of your role models is Prof. X who teaches at the university. Maybe discuss how you heard about an internship program they offer which you feel you will benefit from participating in. Go so far as to discuss their research center and any opportunity to might be able to take from there to help you in further developing the construction field through some research you are interested in. The reviewer needs to read about your enthusiasm to enroll in the university for specific, not general reasons.