Writing Feedback / 'Heer - Ranja' - immortal love story [5]

Wow, I found this very moving! I think this is really thought provoking. I did find it a little confusing in the beginning, because I wasn't sure if it was a story, a poster, a movie, or both/all three that you were talking about. I think clarifying that a little bit could definitely help. I'm not sure what you're using this for, but it is certainly a creative and interesting piece of writing, and I think adding some more adjectives and description would help to make it even stronger. I think it profives a perspective on the idea of love and romance that most people don't think of.

Writing Feedback / I would like to thank an Anonymous Hero (Ms. B. Phares) [2]

Wow, this is really heartfelt. I can tell you mean every word you're saying, and that's especially important in writing. I think you could get rid of the capitalization of AMERICAN HERO and some other words--it is not necessary and may even detract from the reader's experience as he or she is taken back to the day you're describing in your writing. If you want to emphasize, you can use italics or even bold print, but I don't think you need to. I think your words really speak for themselves, here. I also like your use of a mix of short and long sentences. I might think about putting "Until one week ago." as it's own paragraph, to draw attention to it and add drama. Overall, i think this is a wonderful narrative, although I would encourage you to check it over for sentence structure. I spotted a couple of little mechanical errors like that this sentence "I know the duties this hero has are never recognized, recognition is never wanted and never sought." is a runon. I think with a quick check for things like that, this will be a really wonderful piece of writing. It's already very moving.

Undergraduate / 'this doctor confirmed my expectations of a medical career' - Common Application [8]

Wow! I think this is an awesome framework for your essay, and I love the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" metaphor you use throughout. I also want to point out that many schools are really excited to have undeclared majors who really want to learn a lot of different things and have a well-rounded education, so I think a couple more sentences about how you look forward to expanding your horizons and exploring new fields, and are intellectually curious, would make this even better. One thing I would watch out for is short paragraphs. The third and fourth can definitely be put together into one. One little grammatical thing to think about is tenses--for example, you write "the idea that my future IS fixed and secured somehow TERRIFIED me," which mixes present and past tense. I think it will make the overall structure of your essay stronger if you're really clear about when you're talking about now and when you're talking about your thought process or decisions in the past (like when you decided to give up on medicine.) Overall, though, I think this is really strong and I think the last sentence in particular is great.

Good luck in your admissions process!

Undergraduate / 'Why I wish to leave my current university' - I am transferrring to Virginia Tech [2]

Hi, Alaysha!
I think this is a really good statement, and it's very strong. I especially like the upbeat ending, which really ends this statement on a high note. The one thing I think could make this better is something about the specifics of the program you want to enter and about what your college experience would be like at Virginia Tech. I think it's a great opportunity to show that you've done some research about life at Tech: for example, you could mention clubs or a sorority you're interested in joining, or something else that makes life at Tech unique and different, especially from Norfolk State. Another sentence of detail as to why you think Virginia Tech will be more stimulating than Norfolk State in terms of academics might be good too, if you can fit it into any word count requirements you might have. (You didn't mention any, but sometimes I know they exist for things like this.) Remember, more specific details are always better than generalities. A few specific details would make this really stand out among applicants.

Good luck in your quest to transfer.

Graduate / Statement of objective for Masters in Mechanical Engineeirng at a US University [7]

Hello!
I think you have a fantastic command of English and your vocabulary is especially strong. Your description of your current work is very good, and you make a good case in terms of why you want to go to MIT specifically. It's great that you're already in touch with a graduate student there, as well. One thing that I think you could add to is the final paragraph. Don't forget, the last paragraph is really where you're making your final case, so it's a great place to reiterate the reasons why MIT is a good fit for you and restate how much you really want to go there.

One other thing I would do is to check over your grammar and sentence structure. Since you're an international student, a couple of mistakes in punctuation are ok, especially since you have such a wonderful vocabulary, but it is always worth looking over it one more time.

Good luck in your admissions process!

Undergraduate / 'Asian Indian background' - rutgers essay [4]

Hello!
I love your "twist" on your background with the idea about the ABCDs. I think it would be a great idea to bring that back into the final paragraph of your essay, as a way to kind of tie it all together. You could say something about how you may be American born, but you're not confused about one thing: Rutgers being a great place for you. I think your focus on diversity at Rutgers is a really good idea, and you can even write more about how you could contribute and how you want to be in a diverse environment,

One thing you might want to do, though, is look over the essay for grammatical errors. I spotted a few things like runon sentences or one that says "I that is why I consider myself lucky." This often happens when you are working on an essay and making changes, so it's always a good idea to go back and look through one more time. One trick I like to use is to read each sentence out loud to myself, but do them in backwards order, starting with the last sentence. It really helps you pay attention to what you're reading, and then you spot mechanical errors more easily.

Good luck in your admissions process!