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Posts by twizzlestraw
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Last Post: Jan 27, 2012
Threads: 12
Posts: 81  

Displayed posts: 93 / page 3 of 3
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twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]

Yes that's much better!

Oh okay I just don't like the grammer, but it might be okay. I would try:

I swallowed the Prednisone and tasted the bitterness, yet I noticed a sweet contrast of chocolate pudding. I realized that reality was like this experience.

Also, what I meant was you don't really deal with how life was sweet for you. Maybe mention how blessed you were to be doing well on treatment here.
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 - Finding Strength Through Rejection [4]

"Rejection is a double-edged sword. When handled passively, it can make one less likely to take risks in the future. But, when handled as an obstacle to overcome, rejection can lead to discovering one's true potential."

I would revise this sentence or take it out. Its quite impersonal, for an opening sentence. Further, I would replace "double-edged sword" with something that's a bit more original.

Start your essay out with, an the event of trying out, or the hours you practiced before you tried out. The couch telling you, you didn't make it, is kind of abrupt.

Specifically mention that you were rejected in your example. I suggest a semi-climatic: I had been rejected. would suffice.

"Confused and upset, I felt I was truly deserving of a spot on the competition team."
I was confused and upset because I felt I truly deserved a spot on the competition team.

Lastly, how long is this essay suppossed to be. You could really add more to it.

Overall, I like the theme of your essay.

Could you take a look at mine?
Thanks!
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]

Suddenly, I realized it was me who dodid not understand what I was going through.

I like you're beginning and your end. However, I don't think you do enough to connect them. This could be a very moving essay, but you need to put just as much detail into explaining your realization as you did taking the pills. How were you taking everything for granted?

I swallowed the Prednisone, the bitter taste, yet noticed a sweet contrast of chocolate pudding.
I don't get what you're saying here. We're you expecting the bitter taste, and then became pleasantly surprised. Or, was it bitter and sweet at the same time. Either way you should reword it.

How was life bitter and sweet for you? I can obviously infer, but it would be good to elaborate at this point in your essay.

Overall good job!

Would you mind looking over mine?
Thanks!
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]

The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself.

- Sorry I meant strike them out.
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]

You're a great writer! =)

Her laugh was dangerously contagious, and by the time we had recovered we couldn't remember what was so funny in the first place; thus we started a new rumble of laughter.

She would always say to me, "Always remember your love for your family," and intellectually , I thought I understood what this meant, but it wasn't until she died that the true potency of her simple message really hit me.

- I'm not sure if this is the right word. I would suggest another, but I'm not even sure what you're trying to say here.

The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself.

- My least favorite sentence in your essay, which is not good because its your concluding sentence. First of all, its a mouth full. You might want to split it into two sentences. You don't really bring out the point that you first learned to accept yourself in your essay, thus it sounds a bit random. Also you should cut down on the passive voice.

Overall though really nice job!

Would you mind looking at mine?
thanks!
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Thanks everyone!!!
Sorry I didn't mean to throw you off with the title. That was just the first thing that came to my mind: its actually not that relevent. The idea was supposed to be that dreaming big causes me to work hard and that is important regardless of whether or not I achieve my goals. I've messed around with the thesis a bit and so it is probably a bit unclear.

Overall, should I keep it?
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Beloit, the place that has raised me, Northwestern Supplement Essay- Third Draft [5]

"Despite this, readily available are many of the qualities small Midwestern towns provide"
- you should reword that.
Good essay! I like your voice and writing style, however, its always a good strategy to be very specific with this type of essay.
This essay doesn't really show that you've done research about Northwestern; you could easily insert another college's name in its place. Try to find something specific, it could be one thing, that really shows that Northwestern is the school for you.
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

I've read and reread and added to and taken off from this essay so many times, its getting kind of hard for me judge it. If you were an admissions officer, would I be someone you would want at your school? Is my topic unique or cliche? How's the legnth, grammer, sentence variation, overall flow?

ANY suggestions or feedback would be great!
Thank you!!!

Dreams Deferred

My first kiss was terrible. It was so bad that afterwards I stuffed my face with chocolate and wallowed in self pity. However, looking back, I realize that maybe it was not the kiss that was so bad, but the fact that it was so utterly and overwhelmingly not what I had hoped it to be. I waited seventeen years for the perfect moment, with the perfect person, to have my perfect first kiss. What I got was a few bumps on the head, followed by an extremely awkward exchange of saliva.

I had to admit that it was somewhat my fault. By romanticizing the event so much, I set myself up for disappointment. I realized this had happened before. I am a dreamer, which unfortunately is a dangerous occupation. Like my first kiss, many instances in my life involve me setting up incredible notions about what I want to happen, only to be a little less than crushed when things do not work out. This was the case my junior year of high school.

That year, I qualified for the National Forensics League Tournament in Birmingham, Alabama. I immediately began to daydream about my future success as the national champion in dramatic interpretation. I read that Oprah Winfrey came in second in the nation in dramatic interpretation when she was in high school. Naturally, I imagined I would become national champion, or at least place in the top six, email Oprah my story, and then she would invite me on her show. During my guest appearance I would perform my piece and that performance would possibly launch a short acting career. So potent was my dream, that whenever my eight hour daily practice sessions became laborious, I simply imagined myself walking across that center stage to the Oprah theme song, smiled, and then continued working a new with fervor. I walked into that tournament inundated with hopes; thus, when I didn't make it past the first cut of the preliminary round, my disappointment was insurmountable.

It was at this moment that I began to question why I dream so big, why I set these outlandish goals only to be thwarted when reality does not quite meet my expectations. I thought maybe I could have braced myself, deciding to be satisfied if I just cleared once out the sixteen cuts. For that matter, in regards to my first kiss, I could have decided to be happy if any guy would simply bestow his favor upon me. Yet, my goals incited so much emotional investment in me that it seemed, at that point, impossible to recover. I considered the idea that maybe pessimism was a necessary evil.

However, that thought did not bring me any sort of comfort. The idea of setting my sights low so that I never missed mark was so utterly and absolutely not me. I love to daydream. It is what drives me and challenges me to do my best. I had to come to terms with the fact that even though I did not succeed in the manner in which I originally set out to, that did not erase all of the hard work I put into my performance. It truly could not erase all the things that I achieved because I saw myself doing them. That year I did not become national champion in dramatic interpretation, but my performance inspired various organizations to sponsor me to study molecular medicine and drama at the Cambridge Tradition. My 'outlandish' goals pushed me take first place in the district tournament and become the state champion in dramatic interpretation. Although I briefly considered that the bigger my dream, the harder I will fall, I now realize that the bigger my dream, the farther I will reach.

In a dream I can see potential, beyond what I am to what I know I can be. I guess that is why I love to dream. I may never win the Nobel Prize for the discovery of a cure for lupus (although I plan to), or star in an award winning film (although I hope to). I am aware that life will not always work out the way I plan, but I will still dream big, work relentlessly to fulfill my dreams, and appreciate the ones that do come true.
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 1 - FAMILY/MARRIAGE THERAPIST - PSYCHOLOGY [10]

I think its good!
Its hard to say though with out all of your essay. But yes, I like your voice and style. I can definantly see what your saying, and its a good idea. However, be careful with this essay you that you don't just talk about what you observed. Make sure you put your real focus on how that affected you.

Good luck!
twizzlestraw   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application essay - china boy [2]

The whole assimilation/cultural shock/immigrant essay is a very common one. You need to make yours stand out, which you don't. I like your voice, but your wording can be off sometimes. Most importantly though, this essay really doesn't say anything about you.

I see what you did at the end there, about you being a culturally aware individual, which is fine but if that's what you want your college admissions officers to know that about you, that's something you need to mention at the beginning of you essay as well. Further, make sure everything you write relates back to that central theme. The details about your childhood seem very irrelevant to that topic. As I was reading your essay, it just felt like I was reading a history of your life and family. There's no meaning or message behind it.

My father was an executive at Procter and Gamble, which brought my family to Southeast Asia, where my life began in Hong Kong.

- Run-on sentence: Try "My father, an executive at Procter and Gamble, brought my family to Southeast Asia. It was here that my life began in Hong Kong"
twizzlestraw   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217 - UPenn Optional Essay [8]

By no means am I finished, I'm not even quite sure what direction I want to go in. I'm thinking how I met with my father in hopes of learning more about myself but I realized were not that much alike at all - maybe I'm more a product of how I was raised.. and through in some good stuff about myself.. Idk yet. ANY feedback at this point would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

You have just finished writing you 300 page autobiography, write p. 217

Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217

I was just about to lie down when the phone rang. There was a strong temptation to simply let the answering machine pick it up, but then I contemplated the possible importance of the phone call and begrudgingly got up to answer. I put the receiver to my ear. The last voice I expected to hear sounded on the other end of the line. "Elizabeth? How are you?" The thick Ghanaian accent that emphasized the "e" sounds in my name, was familiar and yet remote. It was a voice I had not heard in over ten years: the voice of my father.

"Fine." I choked out.
In a calm voice, he explained that he was in town taking care of some business and he wanted to see me. I could feel my heart pumping inside my chest.

"I talked to your mother." He said. "She'll be home shortly to pick you up."
I didn't know how to reply. As he said goodbye, I stood there and listened silently until there was nothing but a dial tone.

I started mechanically taking off my pajamas and putting on my jeans. I had to get ready to meet my father. A man who left when I was six years old, without so little as a postcard to compensate his absence.

When he left I was too young to fully understand the gravity of what had happened. Because he wasn't a fundamental part of my life to begin with, after a few years, it was almost as if he had never even been there. Soon, the words father, dad, and daddy became completely foreign to me. My mom asked me once if I missed not having a father, and I simply replied "You can't really miss something you never had."

Although it was never my intention, I knew these words hurt her. Over the years she had tried her without cease to play the roles of both mother and father. She always managed to muster up more than enough noise at award ceremonies, recitals, even student council election speeches, to make me feel like I had a whole army fathers rooting me on.

Thus I could convince myself to believe that I wasn't really missing out. But in reality, I did feel like something was missing. More substantially I felt like a part of me was missing, this whole other half that I never got a chance to know.

Thus as I fixed my hair and reapplied my makeup that evening, no feelings of anger or bitterness precipitated in me, but rather I became enthralled with curiosity.

By the time I was finished getting ready, my mother arrived. We drove to our designated meeting ground, The International House of Pancakes. My father was seated at a table in the middle of the non-smoking section. He stood to great us. He looked different from what I remembered: much shorter and less severe. The initial greeting was filled with awkwardness.

But as we sat and spoke much of the awkwardness began to melt away. What remained was a picture of a stranger. Although I searched the depths of his eyes to relate to him to find something that he had given me, what I found was a man nothing like me.

I was disappointed at first, even confused. I had wanted so much to see something in him that I could identify with, but I hadn't. As I sat there listening to him speak. My mom made a ridiculous joke. We both cracked up laughing, but my father just stared at us, as if we had began speaking another language.

It was at that moment that I realized how futile my original efforts were. I did not need to search any farther for my identity than what was right in front of me: my mom.

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