Frankly you come across as a very fundamentalist person. 1) Being the only male child... by the end of this line your essay would turn off anyone and trust me if a lady comes to check this your gone. Males aren't the only people who are working hard you know.
2) where did you apply your dad's values? you have not mentioned anything apart from your Father's qualities... how did it inspire you...where did you inculcate these values....
Trust there would be thousands of essays on parents and your's does not stand out. 3) Don't write he cannes me. your presenting a wrong message here by approving canning. no canning under any circumstances is bad. Edit it. 4) No paragraphing???? work on the content then we can proceed further. hope this helps. :)
hi! guys... please leave your comments for this essay how much you like the content. thanks... HOW WILL PURDUE HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL GOALS ?
Since the time I sat down to write my essay, it's been a nightmare. I've heard that the weather is the most common topic of discussion. Unfortunately, it hasn't been my experience. It seems the only thing people in my life-parents, visitors, teachers, neighbors, and even my kid brother-want to talk about are my plans for the future.
YOUR FIRST PARA 1. 8 i 's in your one sentence. BIG PROBLEM. you sound assertive and off dominant nature to reader. need to improve. 2. the first para is about general sentences. you need give some evidence to support your statements. like some activity or school participation anything to prove your point. your first para kills the essay.
mores means character and custom. you're not coming across as interesting. need to mention your character. something like i am passionate about animals. something like that you need to find or fake in your essay. add like i am geek who add flavour to the college campus.
"unique set of values focusing a deep commitment to serving the poor, disadvantaged and marginalized citizens in my community." in my community?????? you come across as arrogant.
to say your community is superior than any other religion( Hindu) shows you are a fundamentalist who does not respect other people and their faith. please work on the matter first then conclusion. it is according to me a poor show.
don't take it personally....that's my thinking. (by the way you need to read religions more clearly as in history no community is perfect. if Hindus have caste then Christians have raceism.)