Scholarship / SOP - Erasmus Mundus Joint Master in Managing Art & Cultural Heritage in Global Markets (MAGMa) [2]


It does not. You are not the the only applicant who will have this or a similar, or even better background. Do not make boastful comments as that could be considered a negative by the reviewer. While you must not be humble or too humble, you must phrase this in a manner that is not going to make you seem like a braggart.


What research did not complete? Is there a way that it could be used to show continuous studies on your part? Perhaps there is a possibility this could be continued by your masters thesis somehow? Reviewers give points for applicants who show an increasing interest in a specific field through research. Adding information to already existing data is better than finding information and developing it from scratch.

Scholarship / GKS-G - love for arts and vision [2]

If you are planning to enroll via the university track, then you should be writing a shorter draft of the personal statement at the moment. You need to leave enough room in the essay to discuss your university choice and why you believe that you would make an excellent addition to their international student community.


Cite the name of the artist or the Instagram page name. The reviewer might want to check on that information.


Remove this paragraph as this is more relevant to the language study plan essay.


Do not discuss this yet. Work on this when you have chosen your university because you will need to present a longer comparative discussion with your academic and professional goals in a stand alone paragraph. Do not use generic discussion points since you are using the university track.

Letters / Environment and Economics - motivational letter for University of Eastern Finland [2]

The letter is too long. A motivational letter should not have more than 400-600 words in its entirety because the reviewer will not have the time to read an extremely long letter. Make sure that you indicate your motivations for applying for admission to the university, based on a quick run down of your academic and professional goals, within the first paragraph of the letter. This is not an academic background and experience essay. The idea here is to prove that you are aligned with the university requirements with regards to their chosen masters candidates. I do not feel that you know the university well enough beyond the information on their website. You cannot claim to be aligned with the university when you do not specifically connect those dots in your motivational presentation. This is not an effective motivational letter in the sense that the reviewer will not be interested in reading beyond the first paragraph. You must review their requirements for masters students and ensure that you better represent the connection within your presentation. You might stand a better chanc eof improving this letter once you mdofiy the last paragraph to become your opening statement instead.

Writing Feedback / Most career choices demand vocational skills or specialist knowledge. [2]


Do not place your personal opinion at the start of the prompt restatement. That will create a topic alteration, leading to an assessment of your paraphrasing as not being related to the original content. The prompt deviation will also make you stray in some way from the original discussion points. Nobody will stop you from providing a personal opinion provided it is related to the actual discussion so, the personal opinion should be the basis of your writer's opinion and thesis statement instead. Include the reference in that paragraph.


This reference will not increase your preliminary writing score. Always include the 2 reasons for your opinion in a simple sentence. That way the thesis statement or foundation of the discussion is clearly established in relation to the writer opinion scoring considerations.

Scholarship / Msc Artificial Intelligence - Chevening Networking Essay Review [2]

There is a key phrase present in the writing guide that you have overlooked: The professional capacity means that you are creating, building, and maintaining a professional network, all work or job related. Your narration contains the same problems as when you first posted this essay. There have been no significant changes that would even bring it remotely close to the professional networking requirements of Chevening. The first sentence in your essay is also of no importance to the reviewer. What you think about networking does not matter. He needs to see evidence of a work related network that you used to address significant professional issues. That means he doesn't care about sending birthday cards. That is not a professional problem. You are not qualified for the scholarship when based on the networking requirements.

Scholarship / Environment, Politics and Development - Leadership and influencing Chevening [3]

This is a tremendously weak leadership and influencing essay. It does not meet the Chevening requirements at all. You are not focused on representing your professional leadership and influencing skills in this essay. The basis of your skills cannot be on academic experience because you are going to be competing with internationally trained applicants whose leadership and influencing abilities can be proven by their professional track record and attachment to professional companies that allowed them to develop their leadership skills. There is nothing in this essay that would make you a competitive applicant because you misunderstood the leadership and influencing information requirements. This essay should highlight your importance as a leader on the job and prove that you are a future leader in your country. There are too many "WE" references in this statement that should solely be based on "I" since you are supposed to prove that you have the ability to lead either a small group or a large unit in relation to professional task requirements.

Writing Feedback / Freedom to dress, agree and disagree [2]

I am not sure if you wrote this statement as a part of your English writing exercise or if you wrote this as a task 2 essay response. Either way, the logic behind your discussion is sound. It is relevant to the topic and allows the reader to assess your ability to clearly express yourself in written English. This is a good starting point for a task 2 essay draft. I am just worried though because you started off the discussion as something based on an everyday wear discussion. You suddenly shifted to a uniform discussion, which, I am unsure of in terms of relevance to the discussion topic. Were you supposed to discuss uniforms or simple and ordinary clothes? The clarity of the essay discussion and its relevance will depend upon the topic that you are responding to. Right now, I am confused by the discussion presentation because 2 different dress codes are being discussed in separate paragraphs. There is no continuity in the discussion presentation.

Letters / Motivation Letter - M.Sc. Mechatronics [4]

The content of this essay comprises a personal statement rather than a motivational letter. I am not sure if you were given a writing guideline for the content which is why you ended up writing the letter in this manner or, if you do not know the difference between a motivational letter and a personal statement. If there was no provided writing guide, then this essay is totally useless as a motivational letter. Regardless of your word count. You do not need to write 500 words for a motivational letter. As long as you have a short term career goal and a long term career path to discuss in relation to the masters that you wish to study, you will have a proper motivational letter for presentation. I guess you may use the last paragraph as a basis for your revision. Develop a more motivation centered letter based upon that consideration.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the changes in UK birth rate of women in 6 different age groups [2]

There is a 40 word minimum requirement for the summary overview of the task 1 essay. In order to meet this requirement, the overview must be comprised of 2 sentences that contain 20 words each at a minimum for the summary representation. This paragraph does not meet that requirement so it may not be possible for the essay to receive a passing preliminary TA score, even when the trending statement is complete and containing 3 sentences. Always remember, do not paraphrase the original description / instruction. Always restate things in your own words and do not copy the format that was provided for the instructions. That is how you fail the meet the summary scoring requirements.

Scholarship / Networks for positive impact - Chevening [2]

The essay does not prove that you are capable of building a professional network. The networking essay requires the applicant to prove that he has attended relevant conferences, seminars, and even webinars, within his professional field that have proven to be useful in the performance of your duties and responsibilities as a leader and influence. There needs to be a consistency and connection between the two. The network needs to have been developed in a manner that showcases your ability to cultivate and use the web of professional contacts. These contacts need to be useful to both you and Chevening in the long run since you will be expected to share these contacts with the other graduates of the program. The presentation is sorely lacking in proper networking representation. It will actually be a disqualification factor since it is not going to be comparable to the other candidates who truly have a useful local, national, and international network to speak of as proof of their networking abilities.

Writing Feedback / In some countries, secondary school aims to provide a general education across a range of subjects. [2]

I believe that the prompt you are trying to respond to is as follows:

In some secondary schools, students are provided with a general education across a range of subjects.
In others, however, they focus on fewer subjects related to a particular career.
Which do you think is appropriate in today's world?

Based on this original prompt, it would appear to the examiner that you did not understand the discussion requirements. You discussed the essay based upon an advantage v. disadvantage comparison format, when a single opinion based representation was required. Therefore, your restatement and writer's opinion is incorrect, resulting in a failing preliminary TA score on the basis of an incorrect response format. You altered the original prompt by indicating "numerous countries" when this wa not stated in the original presentation, and you referred to advantages and disadvantages as the discussion format for the reasoning paragraphs, which was not the content of the original writing guide. The starting preliminary score of this essay will be a failing one and thus, almost ensure that the additional deductions will result in a non passing score.

The overall formatting for the representation is also incorrect. There should be a space between paragraphs so that the examiner will clearly see that all the paragraph requirements have been followed. The essay is not in a scannable format at the moment, which will result in a problem overall for the final score.

Undergraduate / Journey with food - personal essay [2]

I would open the essay with a story about how my distaste for food negatively affected my health. Discuss any mental, emotional, and physical problems that being a picky resulted in. Try to share your international food experiences and how the problem of food often led to your missing out on things related to culinary adventures that left you out of family bonding time. Doing that would show the basis of your desire to change your food eating habits and why you made it a priority for yourself specially after hearing about Nigeria. Since this is a metaphor for your personal growth, you should highlight the situation that led to you deciding to be adventurous when it came to food experimentation. That would probably help enliven an otherwise long, but almost boring essay. Try to do all of these within 500 words if the maximum word count is 700 - 750.

Letters / Clinical experience - Erasmus Mundus motivation letter [3]


The reviewer will be doubtful about this. Remove the WHO reference and use actual data from your health department instead. Focus on Nigeria because that is where you will be using the skills you will develop during the masters course.

Paragraph 5 should come before paragraph 3, with a little editing and adjustments to make that discussion flow smoothly as a connected realization on your part. The current 4th paragraph is lacking in strength and information. It can be made stronger by simple editing of the entries in the aforementioned paragraphs.

Paragraph 4 should come in after the current paragraph 7, That way it becomes more relevant in presentation to your academic background and research strengths. Evidence of clinical experience and future career aspirations require more work. I cannot find it in the essay. It should be more obvious to the reviewer

Scholarship / Human Behavior - Stipendiary Hungarian Essay [4]

The essay lacks a personal attachment to the major you plan on pursuing. The content actually sounds so generic, it could be mistaken for a cut and paste of researched information about psychology and various interests behind it. There is no driving force behind your instinct to study Psychology aside from the obvious reasons, which are generally referred to as foundations of almost all applicants for this course. There needs to be pivotal point in your presentation that made you realize this is your calling as a future professional. Do not confuse the reviewer by suddenly including an interest in English later on. It sounds like you are undecided about your actual major. Find another way to frame that insight, without mentioning the choice you made between majors.

Scholarship / Chevening: The Meaning of Leadership for An Entry-Level Employee [5]

You only provided influencing actions in this email. There is no leadership involved since you worked on all aspects of the project alone. It was a solo side project that did not require you to lead a small group or engage a group into cooperating with you for the benefit of the program by sharing work responsibilities leading to a positive final outcome. Your response to the Partnership department also required influencing rather than leadership. Leadership and influencing are not synonymous in this case due the basis of the work that you did. It is not reliable as an example of strong leadership skills. This would have been more believable as a leadership and influencing example if you had been given charge of a team for the improvement of engagement when you brought up the problem and was given a month to show how it could be improved.

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the production levels of the main kinds of fuel in the UK between 1981 and 2000 [2]

The summary overview is incomplete and improperly formatted. This paragraph should have a minimum of 2 sentences in it. You can avoid that error by making sure that you present 2 separate ideas in 2 sentences each time. Compressing the information into one sentence will result in a run-on sentence that will cause deductions in your preliminary GRA score and affect the C+C score for that paragraph as well.


Always remember to give the ending year or date whenever you provide the start year/date. Complete the information for the benefit of the reader at all times.

The types of fuel should also be listed either in the summary of information or within the trending statement. It will add to the clarity of information when you discuss the comparison paragraphs later on. Lack of information results in a confusing overall essay, which will increase the GRA and C+C deducted points.

Undergraduate / Autobiography - College Essay (Taiwan) [3]

Sunce you are supposed to write an autobiography, you should be starting at the very beginning. Talk about your parents, not their romantic story but rather who they are as individuals leading up to your birth and their influence on your life. Who is your role model? Why? How supportive are they of your studies? If you can talk about your grandparents that you are closest to, that would be appreciated as well. Any other people who may have influenced your decision to enter into this particular field of study will be greatly appreciated by the reviewers.

The rest of the essay is good enough to be included but I would avoid discussing why you want to study in Taiwan and your expectations about studying there. That is a future consideration that is not part of your autobiography. The biography should only cover your life up to the present moment.

Scholarship / Mastercard Foundation Scholarship at the University of Edinburgh [5]

I believe that it would be better for this essay is you open with a statement about the Sustainable Development Goals of your country for 2030. Which aspect of that goal directly relates to your interest in Environmental Sustainability? Doing so might make it more interesting for the reviewer who will be looking for truly forward thinking students who could be possible scholars for the program. Discussing your previous experiences are not really relevant in this essay, unless you can somehow prove that the work you did there affected the way that your career planning, both for the long and short term, were affected. You must understand that the essay is asking you to think forward rather than backward. A discussion about the current SDG goals and how the UK has supported achieving that, then relating it to your plans to further expand on that work should help improve the relevance of your career choice and development time frame.

Scholarship / Biology, mathematics, and technology - academic objectives and your long-range goals [5]

Is this a word count limited statement? I am wondering why your response is so curt when the question requires you to develop a full blown response statement in essay format. All I have taken away from this is that you are brainstorming the possible content of your response. Which turns out to be pretty generic and not really well thought out in terms of academic objectives and long term goals. The response should be divided into 2 paragraphs. The first being the academic objectives which should discuss your current academic shortcomings, what your evolving interests are, and how these combined to create a unique academic focus / objective for you. As for the long range career goals, you do not really reflect any. That is the sad part about this response.

Undergraduate / "Fascination with Architecture"- CommonApp Personal Statement Rough Draft [2]

The content of the essay is too scattered. You are trying to introduce too many facets of your personality all at once, in relation to your chosen major. Since you are writing an open topic essay, you do not need to confine yourself to adding information about the development and pursuit of your college major. Rather, you can present yourself apart from the possibility of you becoming a student at the university. Talk about something else that interests you. Something that makes you a standout person either in extra curricular or non major related academic activities. Even community service would be a better theme for this essay. Something that will remove the fatigue of the reviewer when it comes to reviewing your application in terms of relevance to your chosen major.

If you wish to stick to the discussion about design, then I would suggest the Burj Khalifa reference more than anything else that you have presented in the essay. This seems to be the better developed presentation out of all the paragraphs present.

Letters / Motivation letter for Radboud University Artificial Intelligence [5]

I am afraid this is more of a personal statement than it is a motivational letter. Yes, you are motivated to study the course and you have the relevant background to prove that you can excel in this field of study. However, the actual application of the masters course, in relation to your current profession is missing. The motivational letter must always highlight the work you are doing the field and how this course can help you advance either through helping you move your research forward or, helping you to upskill in relation to your career advancement. The essay is lacking in relevant substance when it comes to motivation. You are merely reiterating your academic accomplishments of the past, there is nothing that can prove that you will have an actual professional application for this study after you have completed the course.

I am guessing that your motivation, which should be built upon is the following statement: That is the theme around which the motivational letter should be developed.

Undergraduate / My history with mathematics! [2]

Are you some sort of Math major? The reason I ask is that the subject you chose for this essay is very specific. It appears to somehow tie in with your interest in Math / your major, which is not necessarily a bad thing. It is just that your interest and success in math, if related to your major will be considered based more upon your transcript of records than anything else. I am not sure which common app prompt you are responding to. If you are writing about something that will complete your story, then try to talk about something other than Math. The reviewer would like to know more about your character and preparedness for college. How you think using logic and reasoning in your daily life or how you deal with people. It does not need to be something that will relate to your chosen major. He pretty knows everything he needs to consider about your application in relation to that.

Writing Feedback / Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. [2]

The essay will receive an automatic failing score since it only has over 230 words in it. By not meeting the 250 minimum word requirement, the essay will miss out on a preliminary passing score due to the percentage deductions that will be applied to the word count. This is the most common problem of early task 2 writers. Specially those who are self-paced with their studies. This does not seem to be a well known fact among the exam takers. The word deductions + the other deductions based on the rubic will definitely result in a failing final score for this essay.

Missing from the presentation is a properly developed prompt restatement and writer's opinion. The discussion paragraphs are under developed. the writer's opinion is not properly represented in the introduction and is even less clear in the discussion paragraphs. This lack of clear opinion presentation will cause a failing GRA score.

Improper formatting of the paragraphs, as well as the lacking 40 words / 2 sentences in the concluding summary also contributed to the overall deductions leading to the final failing score for this essay.

Writing Feedback / International tourism - Advantages/Disadvantages [2]


This response. which is not aligned with the target format for the task accuracy considerations will get the essay an automatic failing score. You have deviated from the original discussion point which is simply to discuss the advantages and disadvantages in a comparison format. The examiner will see that you have not understood the discussion requirements, have changed the discussion parameters / topic, and therefore, did not pass the reading and comprehension considerations for the task 2 essay. There is no need for me to review the rest of the paper since the theme you have chosen to discuss will not be given a passing consideration during the actual test. If you do not understand the instructions or topic for the essay, it is best to ask questions while you are still reviewing rather than making mistakes such as these which would lead to a failing score in an actual test setting.

Undergraduate / "Restart" - Emerson College - what would you title your story and why? [2]

I would suggest that you use the title of the essay at the very beginning. Use a title header "Restart". Doing so will clue in the reader into the focus of your story, but not the entire story. From there, you can use a strong introduction, not a generalized introduction like you have now. One that actually focuses on the subject and theme of your essay. I don't suggest trying to cover too many topics in this case due the word count limitation. Pick the one that matters to you the most. The one that truly reflects the restart of your life. It is not important to connect it to a movie you saw on Netflix. The reviewers appreciate original writing ideas as opposed to one that may have been inspired or, as is often misunderstood, copied from the movie. Make this your own. Focus on the restart you had with your mother and why it matters the most to you.

Undergraduate / Don't make up more trash - Math COMMON APP [2]

I believe that you are trying to discuss the evolution and development of your interest in the Math and Science field right? It is evident from the activities that you were discussing as having engaged in while you were a child. There is a problem with the time frame of your presentation though. It has to be spoken of in the past tense of the events, not the present. You are going to have to go back and rephrase all of the paragraphs relating to your childhood activities. Basically, edit the presentation for grammatical purposes so that the reviewer will not be confused by your presentation. You might also want to consider bringing up the closing paragraphs to the start of the essay because those are far more interesting as opening references than a dialogue from your mother. Try to introduce the full basis of the essay from the very start. Your mother's dialogue can be placed in a later section of the narrative. It does not read right to have that scenario at the beginning of the essay. Reframe it for later usage.

Undergraduate / Ramen noodles - Personal Essay for College [2]

Ramen noodles are supposed to be a part of the lesson that you learned during this time. However, that got lost in the story telling. The focus of the essay was on the cooking process of the noodles and your father. How you factored into the story aside from a few comments here and there was negligible. The death of your father was the focal point of an essay that is supposed to be telling your story in relation to noodles, your relationship with the noodles, and how the noodles represented your relationship with him. At least that is what I think you were trying to aim for with this story. Since I do not know what common prompt you are responding to, please do not expect a targeted review of this essay. I can only make assumptions due to the lack of proper writing information or topic from you.

Writing Feedback / The given line graph compares the quantities of three companies' waste output for 15 years [2]

Please be guided regarding the word count when accomplishing the task 1 essay. You should be writing within the 150-200 word limitation given the 20 minute writing allowance for this exam. Since you will be self-timing, you need to be conscious of this fact or you will run out of time to complete the task 2 essay in the manner it should be completed.

Please limit your use of the Oxford comma. It does not help your GRA score in terms of punctuation usage. You are not writing a real mix of simple, complex, and compound sentences, which you would score better by writing, when you use the comma excessively. Try to properly vary your sentence structures instead of constantly trying to connect discussion points in a run-on sentence.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay—Grandfather's watch [7]

I have to tell you that I cannot review this for validity in terms of responding to the common app prompt. You did not give the writing guide topic that you were supposed to be explaining about using this narrative so my comments will be general and focused on what I know regarding the point of view of the reviewers.

The essay focuses too much on the watch and your grandfather. It barely focuses on you and the actual experience that the watch relates to in terms of your development or point of view as a person or new owner of the watch. For that reason, I believe that the reviewer will not be interested in pursuing the content of this essay beyond the first paragraph. You lost his interest totally by the second paragraph where you failed to refocus the essay on yourself. The essay is all about your grandfather instead of you. Being deceased and not the applicant for admission, he should not have factored so heavily in this presentation.

Undergraduate / The chart shows the total distance travelled by passengers on five types of transport in the UK [2]

Sadly the report veers more towards and automatic failing score since it does not meet the 150 minimum word requirement. This normally results in the examiner giving the examinee an automatic failed score. You will receive point deductions for the missing 4 words. Believe me, when you are ESL trying to pass the IELTS test, every deduction is not good for your overall score.

You are also getting your images confused, which means you will leave the reader with much confusion, leading to a failing GRA score. your grammar range and vocabulary are not up to the passing requirements for those rubics. However, you did analyze the image in a quick manner which is something that shows your potential to pass the test.

Kindly remember to follow the task 1 format next time which is 3 paragraphs of comparative analysis discussion, with proper image identifiers but no request for the reader to look at the image since the reader does not have a copy of the image. I look forward to reading your next practice essay.

Undergraduate / Tintin comics were my favorites - common app essay [2]

I am not sure which prompt you are trying to respond to with this essay so my advice regarding its content and how to improve upon it will be severely limited. I could have structured a more responsive one if you had included the common app topic with your post.

The information itself is interesting but too wide in scope and involving too many characters. This is a journey of self discovery right? So you need to limit the participation of your father in the story. You cannot say "we" in an essay that focuses on "I". That means, the 11 year old you will have to figure out how to discuss the culinary adventures without constantly referring to Tintin and your dad. Focus on the development of your character through cooking rather than the adventures you had. The adventures are good fillers, but do not necessarily focus on how it helped you develop as a person. Your character development should be the highlight of the narrative.

Writing Feedback / Living in a country as a non-native language speaker [2]

Avoid referring to people using pronouns in a Task 2 essay. That is because you must write from a general standpoint wherein your opinion presentation should be all inclusive. There is no Me and You or You and I. There are only people and their opinions. Good work on your writer's opinion and thesis statement though. It clearly shows the discussion path you want to take with this essay defense. The non-reference should be an overall part of the essay. You often refer to the reader in the presentations, which will be a problem since you are referring to the examiner, who is not supposed to be included as a reference target. This is a good effort at writing a task 2 essay. You actually did a good job of discussing the basis of your opinion. It is the pronoun presentation that proved to be its problematic aspect. Otherwise, it was a good job on your part.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering at TU Delft [2]

Your essay does not flow as a solid document because you have divided it into chapters or discussion points based on the writing guide. The writing guide is just that, a tool to assist you with the continuity of your written information. It should not be seen in any form within your response statement. Format this essay properly or the reviewer will assess you as a non professional who is trying to get into one of the most difficult universities in the world. This is the work of a college level person, not a college graduate and professional looking to gain enhanced knowledge and skills. Your hypothetical project is non-existent. Though you wrote a response to the prompt, you did not offer a solid project that could be seen as proving you know what you are getting into with this course and how to apply it professionally.

Letters / Motivation Letter - MSc In Quantitive Finance ETH UZH [3]


There is no helpful information in this paragraph. There is no proof of tertiary academic strength since you are not presenting your accomplishments in the form of honors and recognition received. All of which prove that you have a formidable academic foundation in relation to your MSc studies.


Remove this part. The admissions committee is not interested in your personal drama. It does not help move the essay forward in any way. It does not respond to any written interview information or expectations.


They do not need to know hour positions held. You should not be extending your resume in this discussion. Unless you can show how these responsibilities have helped you gain traction in the field and led to your decision to take the MSc overseas, then there is no reason to tell them about something they will read about in your resume anyway.

Scholarship / The Art of Living - Master Program SoP [3]

It would appear that you have an inclination to participate in the UN-SDG of your country. Your motivation will be a lot clearer and significant if you connect your motivation for masters studies with those goals, using specifics whenever possible. Try to focus on your professional motivations in the presentation. While you may discuss your college career as a part of the motivation, it should be mentioned in terms of representing how far the education got you within your field, before you decided that you need to upskill by taking a masters course overseas. Adjusting the essay to make it less wordy and more focused on your purpose for study and its basis will help the essay become more interesting. Right now, it is too long and cannot hold the interest of the reviewer because of the lack of proper focus in the discussion paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Grandma and quilting - my personal essay for college [3]

I admire the influence that your grandmother had in your life. She was truly a special person. Your relationship with her was indeed something that helped you learn several things about life. Quilting is a definite reference point for you in everything that you do. However, I would like to lessen the reference to your grandmother and quilting in the essay. It takes the focus away from you, as the central character. Would it be possible for you do that? Or are you responding to a specific prompt that requires the presentation of your essay to be like this? I cannot really go beyond this evaluation of your essay and hints about how to help you since you did not provide the prompt for the essay. Targeted advice can only be provided when I have a solid guideline to follow / compare your work to.

Scholarship / Challenging yourself outside of the comfort zone - Loran scholarship essay [2]

I believe that there is a lack of clarity when it comes to describing what your comfort zone is. The first paragraph spent a lot of time discussing your drive and determination for most things, except for your body. Now, that is where the lack of clarity comes from. Surely laziness is not the only reason for your being overweight. That is where the "comfort zone" description comes in. There has to be a strong factor that kept you from exercising even as your weight ballooned. Not even being benched by the coach drove you out of the comfort zone. So what was this comfort zone all about? The second paragraph works well to describe how you finally got out of the comfort zone, I can pretty much guess what it was. So a more relevant introduction to it is necessary in the first paragraph. Just to make sure that you and the reviewer are on the same page regarding the comfort zone.

Scholarship / Most significant contribution to your school or extended communities - scholarship essay [3]

I believe that you spent way too much of the word count on setting up the premise for your response. You should set up the scene quickly within the first paragraph. That way you get the introduction of you being the helpful newbie out of the way immediately, allowing you focus more on the actual subject of the essay. which is you as the senior student camp leader.

That particular aspect of the response deserves more focus and discussion from you. While you tried to remain light in the narration, it would not hurt you to delve a little deeper to show how you handled the problematic participants or events in the scenario. That would show a more involved participation on your part with regards to social and community building.

Writing Feedback / What determines success in life? - opinion essay [3]

Based on the writer's opinion that you presented, it appears that you should be using the 3 reasoning paragraph opinion presentation for this essay. That means you should be presenting information as follows:

1. A 3rd person explanation of the first opinion, refraining from presenting your reasons for not supporting it.
2. A 3rd person explanation of the 2nd opinion, this time include a sentence that shows your support for it.
3. A 1st person explanation of your personal opinion. This should expand on the reason that you gave in the previous paragraph for supporting the reason.

You cannot use a personal opinion for the explanations of the 2 given reasons from the original prompt. You have to be unbiased when explaining those 2 reasons because this is a comparative opinion essay.

Scholarship / Mastercard Scholarship - Msc Public Policy Essay [3]

Avoid opening the essay with a defeatist attitude and negative character presentation. You want to make a positive impression on the reviewer, this current opening is a disaster because you are telling the reviewer what you do not like about yourself and what you failed at. Since the scholarship will prioritize trailblazers and people whose quest for success has a proven track record, you will already have lost the chance to win the scholarship based on the first few sentences of this statement. Revise it. Deliver a positive image for yourself. Make sure that you focus on your professional development from the start to the present, skirting any negatives, then integrate these into your personal development. The essay requires a serious rewrite focused on the points I mentioned.