Posts by OmbreGracieuse

OmbreGracieuse

Aug 23, 2009

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement (seeking enrollment in Harvard Law School) [4]

Hi all! I am a little new to EssayForum, but could REALLY use some feedback! I am tied up at the thought of writing a personal statement for law school. I wrote one a year ago that I loved then, but don't like now. I tried to write a new one, but it doesn't have the amplification I felt the other one did (that one was a little more graphic on the childhood thing, and a little less detailed on why I would like to be an International lawyer), but this one is definitely more focused. I know it conveys that I would like to go to law school, but I want it so bad I can taste it (and am hoping they can't smell my desperation!)

Any critiques would be great, especially from people who are either going through the same thing, or have already gotten into law school.

Thank you so much!! Here is the essay:

The daughter of a heroin addict, I consider myself lucky to have survived my childhood. My mother too had struggled with cycles of abuse in her own youth, and while I am fortunate enough to have never looked back, abuse is something from which my mother will never escape. Her notions of family life lead to an inevitable failed marriage which ended on Easter of 1996.

It took me several years to realize that abuse is not as common as I had believed. Once I realized this, I dedicated myself to helping people in similar situations. I helped feed needy families, volunteered time with the emotionally and physically disturbed, and even served as a student crisis intervention moderator. I decided quickly I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I felt my vast understanding of family abuse would serve as the perfect conduit to self-recovery in others... until I enrolled in my first psychology class.

My psychology professor was brilliant, but I felt that what I had expected psychology to be and what it really is are not the same. My psychology experience left me feeling lackluster, and while I knew psychology was not my forte, I did not know where my niche was.

I was introduced to the social justice in my Legal Research class. My professor, Judge Jenson, decided that the easiest way for our class to learn would be hands on application. It was during this class that I was able to participate in my first mock trial; we covered everything from the research, to the presentation, and eventually the prosecution. I succeeded so well in my studies that I eventually transferred to a traditional four year university: Bethel College.

In addition to Criminal Justice, my original major, Bethel allowed me the opportunity to pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Humanities, which gave me the insight to the motivations behind the way the field works in conjunction to the framework that is the social justice system.

Attending Bethel, I have worked with a plethora of people from diverse socio-economic backgrounds. I have met with people from Argentina, studied from professors native to Uruguay, and even assisted drives to raise visas for Islamic minorities. The cultural diversity has only enhanced my worldly views which is why I am now interested in pursuing a Master's Degree in International Law.

This academic drive is paralleled only by my drive to succeed in the work force. I have worked for the South Bend Center for the Homeless for almost a year and a half, and what began as a college externship has quickly escalated into a love for helping others succeed where statistics argue they should not. While the world is not perfect, and the Center can not help everyone, I have seen the difference in human life that one positive situation, contact, or person can make.

I am seeking enrollment in Harvard Law School because Harvard has one of the best international law school programs available. I plan to proudly serve my country overseas as an attorney for the United States Embassy combating women's rights in Israel, and human rights in the Congo. Working in such an environment demands a deeper understanding of International Law than most law schools can currently offer. Harvard offers not only an LLM in international law they offer the experience, tradition, and education it will take to be effective in my field. I will bring with me a point of view not often seen, a dedication that is unparalleled, and a commitment that is unfailing. I have fought too long to simply survive- it is my time to live

OmbreGracieuse

Aug 23, 2009

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement (seeking enrollment in Harvard Law School) [4]

I understand psychology very well, it just seemed to me too close to home to be a comfortable career. I don't want to be a psychiatrist because I am afraid I will get too attached, and will start to empathize with my clients in a way that makes me feel like their failures are also my failures as a person. I am not too sure how to properly say that, though. I took one psychology class and decided not to be a psychiatrist- could I say that, or should I change the whole paragraph?

I actually make a decent amount of money working in the non-profit sector. How should I change this section? I essentially do what our volunteers do, but I get paid to do it. I also do some case management, and guest intervention, but it is almost the same thing.

I did mean fighting for. I think I had the intention to say "the lack of" but I suppose it would be simpler to state fighting for.

Thank you so much for the advice!

Is my essay strong enough for Harvard, overall, do you think?

OmbreGracieuse

Nov 8, 2009

Undergraduate / "Iris"- Common Application Essay Prompt #1 [2]

Rather than say "There was the lone flower" I think it might better you to say "There I found a lone flower..." and feel that changing "that the flower" to "that this flower" might intensify the importance of this single flower.

I personally would say "droplets among" instead of along. Also, I don't particularly like the phrase "along the safe paved trail" you might instead consider "safely paved trail" or "safe, paved" There has to be a difference between the two adjectives; adding an -ly or a comma would definitely do it.

Rather than say "that was not going to happen" you should probably say "this was not going to happen" - it sounds more active (as opposed to passive). I also don't agree with the sentence "If I turned back now it would defeat the whole purpose of my quest and take me away from the prized Iris" I think you could say "I felt as though if I had turned back-" The tenses seem to drop off a little with the original sentence, but I think this might get it back on target with where you are trying to go.

I think you could change "Too many times had I let doubt, cautiousness, and fear hinder me from truly experiencing the potential of the moment. I had to cast aside these chains" to "I had too often let doubt, cautiousness, and fear hinder me from experiencing the potential of the moment; it was time to case aside these chains." The first seems almost journal-esque.

"Just this once I would rise up to the need and be fierce and brave for the beauty that lay just beyond the edge of my physical perimeter. My only option was to rely on luck. In other words, jump." I would probably say "It was time to rise and fuel the need to be fierce... In other words: jump." Also, "run down" should probably be "running down,"

"I moved back until I could only see the blue horizon ahead" You used 'only' in the sentence before, so you should probably omit one or the other. "I set my footing" should probably be "I braced myself in anticipation..."

"jumped of" should be "jumped off."

"I felt as if time went on a standstill as the air rushed through me" "I felt as though time stood still as..."

"getting closer to my ultimate goal, the Iris." I would probably have used the word 'destination' as you have used goal in reference to the Iris several times before.

I love the line "This paradoxical fusion of chaos and peace gave me an unexplainable sort of happiness" and would not change it for the world. It is a brilliantly written sentence.

"For once I had done the illogical move. I had taken a risk, a gamble that could have been my last" You should never start a sentence with 'for' so as an alternative, you could say "I had made my first illogical move; I had taken.. but all this didn't matter."

"I had taken a step (or a fall) towards something that I chose" You could play with it such as "I had fallen for a whim of my choosing"

"for a second wind" should probably simply read "gasping for air"

I don't like the reference to potatoes: become a sack of potatoes, it seems out-of-tone with the rest of your essay. You could say "become a barrier" or something to that effect.

"I had come so far for; there was no chance I would fail" would sound stronger if you said "I had come so far for; failure was not an option"

"my mom" should read "my mother"-you should assume a formal tone because you do not know your audience.

"When I took my leap of that cliff I felt that I was going against the logical and safe path. I was going against the oppressive boundaries of fear and doubt that constantly hindered so many of my choices. I was striving for what I wanted without a statistical analysis of whether I would succeed, and it felt amazing." Is reversible... you could say something similar to "Leaping off of that cliff felt amazing. I was going against... Without a statistical analysis of whether or not I would succeed."

"By shrugging aside the prospect of repercussions I gave myself the courage and the optimism to do what I wanted to do" should read "By shrugging aside the prospect of repercussions I had given myself the courage and the optimism to do what I wanted to do" - it sounds a little less passive.

I do not like this sentence: It was definitely worth it. I think you could strengthen it by saying something such as "It was then I decided that nothing comes without risk, and this one was ultimately worth it." Saying the Iris is worth the risk, says nothing of risk-taking itself. I think you could broaden this statement to an application of every-day life.

I think this essay is a very good one. If you have a writing center at your school, I would recommend running it through one, for strengthening purposes and punctuation. Overall, I think it is a good paper with a wonderful point; nothing in life comes for free, and nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Good luck, and while I am by no means an English major, I hope this helps!

OmbreGracieuse

Nov 8, 2009

Writing Feedback / Toefl; Who would you like to meet? Mr. Amitabh Bachachan [3]

First Paragraph:
You need to omit the 'than' in the first sentence- it should not be there. You also do not need the word 'definitely.' In your second sentence, I would replace the second 'movies' with 'films' (more than 300 films...). You should avoid- when possible- using the same identifier in the same sentence twice. I would also change your third sentence to something similar to "Meeting with him would give me the pleasure of knowing him off screen."

Second Paragraph:
I would get rid of 'the' and simply say 'magnificent personality and voice.' I would also revise this sentence: "But this qualities does not attract people to watch his movies, it is his acting which gives an appealing attitude to the public of various ages to bond with his movies." You should never start a sentence with the word 'but'-I would recommend trading it for the word 'however.' I would say something like "However, [these] qualities [do] not attract people to his movies; it is his acting which appeals to the public. Because of this, he is able to bond with people of many ages." I would also recommend saying "He has performed in various lead roles such as fathers, grandfathers, and comedians. Not surprisingly, each of his characters has shown..." "In one of his movies he played" you do not need the word has, because it is assumed it is there when using the word 'played.' "...he played a father with four children, who in the later stages of life, received no support from his family. This movies gives a lesson to the public that if someone has confidence in themselves then it is possible to get out of troublesome situations. This is why I think meeting such a person will teach me a lot."

Third Paragraph:
"Mr. Bachachan" The first letter of the last name should ALWAYS be capitalized. "since 40 years" should be "for 40 years." You should also revise the sentences "But he had also face the downside graph in his career in means of finance. But he had never loose hope and tried a lot to overcome the situation." For starters, 'but' should never begin a sentence. I would recommend something similar to "He has also had to face financial instability, but never lost hope, and tried a lot to overcome his poverty." "Of the Indian television" you need the word 'the' there because Indian television is not all that common. "The manner and the respect with which he talks to the general public in his game show makes him lovable to everyone."  this is a VERY well-written sentence, and is grammatically correct. I would recommend changing your last few sentences: "This one of the many reasons I would like to meet him. I feel his abilities show an optimistic nature towards life which makes a person capable of handling difficult natures. Therefore, I feel it would be very inspiring to meet such a versatile actor."

Thoughts:
I think you did REALLY well! I wish you the best on your TOEFL test, and I apologize if it seems like I had a lot, or too much, to say. You are going to do just fine, so long as you have confidence in yourself. If you ever need any other help, this is a more-than-friendly site; we would all be happy to help. Good luck! :)

OmbreGracieuse

Nov 8, 2009

Undergraduate / US Embassy Internship; Personal Statement [2]

Hi all! I am applying for an internship through the Washinton Internship Institute, for a 12 week program in DC interning in one of their many embassies. This is actually what I want to do for a living (be an embassy attorney) but could use some help with my personal statement, and thank you so very much in advance! The question is this:

Please describe the type of internship you would enjoy. Be as specific as possible. If you are accepted into the program, we will contact you to discuss internship possibilities in detail. You may want to consider these questions as you answer:

- What do you hope to gain and learn during the internship?
- What are your interests and passions?

This is my response (feel free to critique me here-- I know it stands for some):

I am applying for a summer of 2010 internship, and would like to intern from May through July at a participating embassy agency, preferably the Embassy of Jordan or the Embassy of Croatia. It is my hope that this internship will give me the tools I need to be successful in my field, prepare me for my law school career, and enhance the motivations and skills I already possess.

Currently attending Bethel College, I am pursuing a Bachelor's Degree in both Criminal Justice and Humanities. I plan to use these degrees, and this internship, as the building blocks needed to create a foundation for law school. I would like to be an international attorney for one of the United States' many embassies, focusing on the political unrest, human violations, and poverty centralized in the mid-east and Africa.

This internship will allow me the opportunity to observe the inner workings of the Embassy setting, and will provide a network of advisors, students, and peers from which to grow and learn. Since quite a few law schools offer class flexibility, this internship will also assist me in selecting the most career-enhancing classes available. I believe this internship will give me the edge needed to be accepted into one of the nation's top ten law schools.

I have worked at the South Bend Center for the Homeless for sixteen months and I love what I do, despite the knowledge that I live and serve in one of the most poverty-stricken counties in the nation. The United States Department of Labor has ranked Elkhart as the eighth most unemployed metropolitan area in the US. Elkhart's unemployment rate averages 16.8%; roughly 1.7% times the national median. This hard-hit city has filtered into the surrounding areas; our county is slowly growing more and more unemployed. Recession is not just a word where I live- it is a way of life.

My thoughts concerning the recession, and experience working with those hardest hit, have left me contemplating global poverty and governmental issues as a collective. Even during this recession, the United States still has enough government funding to assist its homeless, unemployed, and uninsured citizens. Quite a few third world countries including Darfur and the Republic of the Congo do not have this luxury. These countries struggle to support their sick and wounded; the luxuries we have as a country- such as the financial ability to assist its homeless citizens- is close to nonexistent. My experience with our own country's poverty-stricken population has instilled within me the passion to assist those in need, both in our country and overseas, as well as the inability to defer the responsibility to another single person.

I am hoping this internship will challenge my beliefs regarding foreign policy, global issues, and human rights. I want to aid the United States as it assists other countries' current problems and affairs. I would like the inspiration to do better for myself, my family, and my nation. I would like these convictions to remain with me through law school so that I may grow with what I have learned and come back to the embassy setting as a better-rounded person ready to serve on behalf of my country.

This internship holds many possibilities, the greatest of which I will not learn until I have been accepted into the Washington Internship Institute's 2010 summer internship at our nation's capitol.

OmbreGracieuse

Apr 7, 2010

Scholarship / Why do you want to attend St. Bede academy? [4]

This is WAY too short for a scholarship essay, in my opinion. An essay usually consists of five paragraphs (each with 5-7 sentences). The first paragraph is usually an opening paragraph (with a thesis), the next 3 are each about specific points, and the last paragraph is your closing statement.

You have 3 sentences, but I feel having a clear guide on what you want to say can be a good thing. You could talk perhaps about what drew you to that specific summer camp, what you went to the Math Camp to do. You could talk about how Mr. Tiger gave you a glimpse into the kind of education you could have, and contrast that with the kind of education you were current recieving. You could talk as well about what ELSE draws you to that school- you could mention some of your other experiences at camp and the things that draw you there specifically.

I think having one teacher as a draw could be a good thing, but I think for an admittance essay you should add to what you have written.

Is there a word limit, or sentence limit on the essay?

OmbreGracieuse

Apr 7, 2010

Graduate / Master's Degree in International Law School - personal statement feedback [2]

This is my PS for law school (I hope!). I had written it with a specific school in mind, but have edited both their name and my city out. Any advice/critique would be helpful, and I would be more than happy to return the favor. It follows the "why this school? why this program" question. Thanks! :)

I was born into a perpetuating cycle of abuse. My mother beat her children the same way all the mothers in her family had been beating their children for centuries. To cope, like the many mothers before her, she turned to drugs and alcohol. While her mother had committed suicide when my mother was nine, my mother was an emotional wasteland by the time she met and married my father. My father, only half way through an 18-year career with the military, was constantly stationed in the Philippines and rarely spent time within our nation's borders, let alone our house. It would be easy to say that my family is a crystal cut mold from the absentee father and drug-addicted mother stereotype; however I am living proof that there is more to a person than simply what meets the eye.

With no real parental figure, I became an instant guardian and role model the day my brother was born. I began to want to be the role model our parents could not- and would not- be, and struggled to prove to my brother on a daily basis that he could be anything he wanted regardless of what went on in our stilted home. While I can admit now that my childhood philosophies may have been naïve, my past has greatly shaped the person I have become. Of all the things I have learned, the two most important are that children (much like college students) can survive on nothing but peanut butter and perseverance, and people are stopped only by their self-limitations. It is only when one feels they cannot succeed that they truly begin to fail.

I may not be a perfect 4.0 student, but I consider myself to be successful. I have just completed the most challenging and rewarding two years of my life. In the last 730 days I have gotten married, given birth to my beautiful daughter, and been diagnosed with cancer-all the while becoming the first person in my family to graduate from college. I recognize that life is not easy- even the greatest of successes are achieved only after immeasurable amounts of work. I cannot express the tenacity with which I have lunged after parenting and oncology, but I assure you that this is a drive seconded only by my academic endeavors.

While I was still working towards my Associate of Science in Criminal Justice, I completed an externship at the [______] Center for the Homeless. I've now been working there three years and while I greatly enjoy what I do, it has opened my eyes to a great inequality in the social justice system. What began merely as an afterschool filler has become a lifelong passion. My career at the Center has instilled within me the idea that there are greater issues in the world than just homelessness and matrilineal abuse. While taking a Spanish II course, I ran into a language barrier trying to explain where I work and what I do. The word "homeless" does not translate into the Spanish language, as was discovered by my professor who was born and raised in Uruguay.

The discontent of this translation barrier caused me to wonder what other social issues don't translate into other cultures. I do mean to imply that homelessness does not exist in other countries only that in many third world countries, the government lacks the adequate resources to cover what we deem as essential: homelessness and prevention, basic healthcare, food and housing assistance, as well as human rights. Many of the things the United States has deemed as "necessary" quite simply don't translate on a language level, a cultural level, or a governmental level.

I am pursing a Master's Degree in International Law because with it I plan to practice as an attorney in the embassy system. I hope to help implement, promote, and protect human rights laws in third world countries. I feel that all people- both inside and outside our nation's borders- have a right to social equality regardless of socio-economic standards. [______]'s program in International Law will challenge my beliefs and set me apart from my peers. It will give me the diverse platform I need in order to be successful in my field. If I can manage a life full of challenges, both temporary and permanent, there is nothing in my 1L courses at [______] that I cannot face. I look forward to the challenge, the diversity, and the preparation for my field that an education from [______] would bring.