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Posts by OzRamsay
Name: Ainur Zulkarnaev
Joined: Oct 24, 2017
Last Post: Nov 5, 2017
Threads: 4
Posts: 4  

Displayed posts: 8
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OzRamsay   
Oct 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of the internet [4]

easiness of information availability



The widespread use of the internet has given people access to information on a level never experienced before. How does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?"

There is a buzzword named 'game-changer' which now ubiquitously applied to almost any conception that demonstrates any slightest glimpse of novelty and originality. Twitter, Ebay, Amazon, Facebook, Google..., this enumeration could be easily stretched and continued. Each one of them (plus much more unmentioned) is considered to bring to our life some unforeseen though very valuable shift. However, as far as I concerned, this is exactly the case of not seeing the forest for the trees. There is a discovery which became so familiar and accustomed to our eyes that it's colossal and enormous consequences went by largely unnoticed. The name of this discovery is the invention of the Internet which for last 30 years silently shattered and changed our world in almost any dimension.

The expansion of the internet presented humanity with an unprecedented possibility to learn and to spread knowledge. By the strength of the consequences the proliferation of the internet could be fairly compared possibly only to the discovery of typography. The latter invention helped humanity to spread the light on knowledge which then dispelled the darkness of ignorance of the Middle Ages. However, there needed several centuries to promulgate literacy among a very narrow slice of privileged people such as aristocracy. Nowadays, already half of the population has an access to the internet on the daily basis and the right to have an access to the internet is declared in the Declaration of United Nations. Of course, it is a vast distance between claiming the right, and it's actual implementation in real life; humanity has been still struggling to enforce the right to work and even sometimes the right to life in some corners of the globe. However, the pace of the changes allows one to hope that this time the needed time will be measured not in centuries but at least in decades.

For me, the internet serves as a wise advisor, who could be asked when no one can. The internet is not only the place where one can find answers, but it is also the place where one can ask questions without feeling guilty or ashamed. There are questions be it medical or personal which by some reasons we prefer not to articulate aloud and but still we eager to know the answers. Today the history of the search query could be considered as a most important record of the person's activity. One can easily bend the truth in speech or be flexible with facts in a resume, but the search history can always reveal person's authentic interests.

From my point of view, the easiness of the availability of information due to the internet has re-shaped our model of searching and acquiring information and irreversible recast our world, which can be clearly seen in the several nearest decades.

___
As a non-native English speaker, I would very appreciate any highlighting of any mistakes. Thank you for reading!
OzRamsay   
Nov 2, 2017
Graduate / A Personal Statement about the argumentation for applying for Mechanical Engineering Thesis Program. [3]

Hi, Kareem.

I like your essay, it describes your vision and why do you want to apply to the programme you have chosen. I think the second paragraph presents a convincing argument from your personal experience and the fourth paragraph demonstrates the reader that you can put in good use knowledge you are going to obtain in the university.

I would suggest you elaborate the question why did you choose this university. It is easier to propose than to realise (to be honest an abiturient simply does not possess enough information to justify his choice with facts), yet still, it is something that the reviewer expects to find in your essay. I would also recommend you to consider rewriting the first paragraph (from my point of view it is not very persuasive and could easily be omitted)

In this master degree, I will ...

... because of the negative impacts of fossil fuel on our environment.

Maybe it is not the negative impact of fossil fuel itself, but the negative impact of its production or consumption?
OzRamsay   
Nov 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / Essay: television influence on people's behaviour. The effect is negligible. [2]

Hi, everyone! As a non-native speaker, I would very appreciate any messages about my grammar mistakes. Thank you for reading!

how movies or television affect people?



In the following essay, I would like to express my opinion in regard to the question how movies or television affect people's behaviour. There is a tidal wave of concerns about negative charge which is carried by television programmes and movies. Some people believe that instead of providing young generation with socially accepted images of prominent figures and authorities and foster teenagers, television conversely corrupts moral of its spectators.

According to this view, producers and directors of TV production are socially responsible for the content of their programmes. According to statistics, an average teenager spends up to 4 hours a day watching TV. The ubiquitousness of personal computers and the internet has only worsened the situation, as nowadays spectators have access to billions of movies. Moreover, some movies deliberately break the rules of moralities and widely accepted social conventions in the attempt to gather attention and attract a shocked spectator by the taste novelty. There are some cartoons such as "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" which constantly and intentionally satirizes the core values of our society. No wonder that the rising generation which for years has been exposed to images of lazy and careless father Homer Simpson and his naughty and mischievous child Bart Simpson (from 'The Simpsons' cartoon) can pick up their mindset and thought patterns.

However, it is well worth noticing that this point of view does not take the following reasoning into account. Television programmes and movies do not have to directly teach their viewers some moral laws and obligation, not least because in that TV production would morph into lifeless and tedious notations instead of entertainment. However, they indeed can mirror the society and reflect its moral flaws and misdeeds to spectators. Such reflections, for example, made in mentioned above cartoons, can make the viewer think about moral dilemmas much more efficiently than straight notations.

To conclude, I believe that influence of television programmes and movies on people behaviour is negligible and people can not justify their misdeeds by the negative influence of TV.
OzRamsay   
Nov 3, 2017
Scholarship / I consider guiding and leading people towards positivism and working for their rights [6]

Academia being my major area of ...
I think this sentence is too long and I would suggest you split it into two parts

... the state-banned students studentorganisation ...

From being a member toof the campus ...
At least for me, this sentence is too long.

... I had written articles on education, feminism ...
Maybe you can add some details and mention where did you publish them?
OzRamsay   
Nov 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial. [9]

I would very appreciate any messages about grammar errors in my text. Thank you for reading!

"In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some believe that governments should have responsibility to solve this problem. Do you agree or disagree?" (an essay for an English test)

governments' intervention for well-being of children



The problem that humanity is facing right now (or at least it's scope and gravity) could not be imagined some centuries ago. For the most time of the human history, the vast majority of people were living in such poverty that substantial and hearty dinner was considered not as a necessity but as a luxury available only to a narrow slice of society. Indeed, there were overweight people in the privileged strata of the society, but the ratio of them to the whole population was negligible. Currently, however, the situation is changing as nowadays ordinary people with average and small income are much more likely to become overweight than the rich ones. The explanation of this seemingly paradoxical situation is that a nowadays wealthy man can consume healthy food, full of fresh vegetables and fruits, whereas ordinary people have to rely on cheap saturated food. The scope and seriousness of the problem are so high and vivid, that some people demand governments' intervention into this domain.

There have been developed special governments' programmes in the Western countries which aim at fighting the problem of obesity, especially in children. Proper education and useful advice given from authoritative figures could help children to develop a healthier style of life, which includes sports training on a regular basis and a balanced diet. Some simple habits such as drinking more water or eating smaller portions of food more frequently can make a significant difference in the person's health for a reasonable amount of time such as a year. Unfortunately, many people simply do not possess such knowledge and therefore unwittingly ignore healthy style of life and endanger themselves with the potential problem of obesity. In that case, the intervention of the government would benefit both an individual and the society in whole, that could save up money spend on public health care.

To conclude, from my point of view, governments are supposed to help children fight obesity by promoting educational programmes in this sphere.
OzRamsay   
Nov 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial. [9]

@Holt
I have re-read my essays and your comments, and I guess you are right.
In my native language (Russian it is), it is common (and actually even desirable) that your first consider all arguments from different angles and only then present your own opinion. From my point of view, this the natural way of thinking (and convincing other people - first facts, then conclusion) .

However, as I see now my knowledge is simply not applicable to the formal writing for the English exam.

What is the difference between writing for TOEFL and IELTS?
OzRamsay   
Nov 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Essay: responsibility of parents for their children behaviour [2]

Hi, everyone! Please have a look at my essay.

parents share responsibility for the behaviour of the children



The question of whether parents are ultimately responsible for the behaviour of the children is a controversial one. On one hand, some claim that parents are socially and morally obliged to raise their children well and instil in them the fundamental concepts of kindness, generosity and tolerance. They, thus, point out that if a child somehow misbehaves it is the fault of the parents, and therefore they are responsible. On the other hand, others question such beliefs and argue, justifiably, that parents are not always or automatically responsible for the misconduct of children. Personally, I consider the arguments on both sides to be valid and legitimate, yet, I more inclined to the second point of view by the following reasons.

According to some research, during the first three years of life, a person obtains as much information as for the rest of his or her life. The mind of the child is incredibly flexible and acquires knowledge like a sponge. In this age, however, a child has not yet developed critical skills and therefore percepts everything that parents tell him or her as undeniable and absolute truth. Therefore, the moral concepts that the parents teach their child plays a crucial role in his or her destiny and, in a certain sense, will govern the child's behaviour throughout his or her life. Proceeding from this fact, the notion of the ultimate parental responsibility sounds reasonable and convincing.

However, this topic could also be looked at from a different perspective. First, the conception of the total parental responsibility can be employed to justify any possible misdeed or crime since the offender can always blame his or her parents for not giving him or her the proper moral foundation in the childhood. Moreover, the parents, in turn, can accuse their own parents by applying the same logic; following this chain of reasoning, it is impossible to break the circles of the Wikion. Therefore, the concept of the parental responsibility in its ultimate form negates any form of personal responsibility for our own actions. Moreover, parents are not the only ones who heavily influence the child's development. During the adolescence a teenager spends more time at school than at home, hence, imposition full responsibility on parents would oversimplify the picture.

To conclude, I believe that parents share responsibility for the behaviour of the children to some extent. However, this responsibility is not ultimate, but limited and, in particular, it can not be exploited as an excuse for person's misdeeds and wrong-doings.
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