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Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial.

OzRamsay 4 / 4 2  
Nov 3, 2017   #1
I would very appreciate any messages about grammar errors in my text. Thank you for reading!

"In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some believe that governments should have responsibility to solve this problem. Do you agree or disagree?" (an essay for an English test)

governments' intervention for well-being of children

The problem that humanity is facing right now (or at least it's scope and gravity) could not be imagined some centuries ago. For the most time of the human history, the vast majority of people were living in such poverty that substantial and hearty dinner was considered not as a necessity but as a luxury available only to a narrow slice of society. Indeed, there were overweight people in the privileged strata of the society, but the ratio of them to the whole population was negligible. Currently, however, the situation is changing as nowadays ordinary people with average and small income are much more likely to become overweight than the rich ones. The explanation of this seemingly paradoxical situation is that a nowadays wealthy man can consume healthy food, full of fresh vegetables and fruits, whereas ordinary people have to rely on cheap saturated food. The scope and seriousness of the problem are so high and vivid, that some people demand governments' intervention into this domain.

There have been developed special governments' programmes in the Western countries which aim at fighting the problem of obesity, especially in children. Proper education and useful advice given from authoritative figures could help children to develop a healthier style of life, which includes sports training on a regular basis and a balanced diet. Some simple habits such as drinking more water or eating smaller portions of food more frequently can make a significant difference in the person's health for a reasonable amount of time such as a year. Unfortunately, many people simply do not possess such knowledge and therefore unwittingly ignore healthy style of life and endanger themselves with the potential problem of obesity. In that case, the intervention of the government would benefit both an individual and the society in whole, that could save up money spend on public health care.

To conclude, from my point of view, governments are supposed to help children fight obesity by promoting educational programmes in this sphere.

Jimmy879873 26 / 55 13  
Nov 3, 2017   #2
Hi Oz, I am not sure what kind of English test are you taking but if you are taking IELTS, you will need to have a proper paraphrasing with the question. Also, the conclusion is given you a chance to wrap up the main points that you developed rather than a section for you to state your opinion and this is true in every other English test.

Hope that helps.
SankarshanaV 1 / 2  
Nov 3, 2017   #3
... governments should have take responsibility ...

-In that which case, ... benefit both, an individual, and the society in as a whole, that and could save up money spend spent on ...
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 3, 2017   #4
Hi, I don't think your essay had a very effective structure. You did not really have a clear thesis statement until your very last sentence. And throughout the essay, you don't really spend much time explaining why the government should be responsible for reducing childhood obesity. Your whole first paragraph is about how obesity is a problem, but that does not really have much to do with who is responsible for solving it. I mean, you could have used the growth of obesity as a reason why government must step in, but didn't really make that connection clear apart from a somewhat wishy-washy sentence at the end of the paragraph. Then your second paragraph focuses on possible solutions to obesity, but once more you do not really go into much detail about whose responsibility it is to implement those solutions. Here are some other suggestions:

right now, or at least its scope and gravity, could not have been imagined ...

For the most time major portion of the human history,

that a substantial and hearty dinner

average and small incomes are much more likely

situation is that a nowadays a wealthy ...

cheap saturated food. {"saturated food" is incorrect, although there is saturated fat}

developed special government programmes

the person's health if followed for a reasonable ...

unwittingly ignore healthy lifestyles and endanger themselves

whole, which could save up money spent on public health care.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,031 2721  
Nov 4, 2017   #5
Ainur, I cannot just focus on your grammar. Here at EF I pride myself in helping students develop their overall writing skills and aid in the preparation and passing of exams. I have helped countless students pass their tests because they listen to reason and logic. They want to pass and they ask for proper help to pass. You are asking me to just focus on your grammar problems, when you have a tremendously bigger problem than that which prevents me from accurately assisting you. So you will not see proper improvement in your overall requirements.

Before you can be assisted in improving your grammar, you first need to know which type of test you are taking in and focus on that. You are not even capable of formatting the essay in a proper manner for any of the tests at the moment so focusing on your grammar, when you cannot even write the correct essay will be useless. Decide on your test format first (IELTS or TOEFL) and then I will work on teaching you the proper essay format for the test. After that, I can make suggestions as to how you can best present your essay and along with it, improve your grammar as part of the advisement scenario.

Since you do not want to hear any messages about how wrong your formatting, and in the process, the content of your essay is, which will guarantee that you fail any of the English tests you plan on taking, you need not worry. I am not one to do a disservice to the users of this forum. Since you do not want to get proper help for your essay writing as you want to focus only on grammar, I will not participate in your threads anymore. I refuse to help you with only your grammar corrections because your problem is with content and presentation. If you cannot see that, then you cannot expect to pass any test and I will not be a party to your failure.
rumihumaira 4 / 12  
Nov 4, 2017   #6
Hi, I think your essay is already good but your conclusion is too short to summarize the points you made in the essay. Yes, you have to say whether you agree/disagree at the conclusion and put the brief reason (which is the summary of everything you wrote in your essay) there. If you wrote your main points before writing the essay, you could use it :)
OP OzRamsay 4 / 4 2  
Nov 4, 2017   #7
I have re-read my essays and your comments, and I guess you are right.
In my native language (Russian it is), it is common (and actually even desirable) that your first consider all arguments from different angles and only then present your own opinion. From my point of view, this the natural way of thinking (and convincing other people - first facts, then conclusion) .

However, as I see now my knowledge is simply not applicable to the formal writing for the English exam.

What is the difference between writing for TOEFL and IELTS?
OP OzRamsay 4 / 4 2  
Nov 4, 2017   #8
Does the outline you described suit both IELTS and TOEFL formats?

1. State your thesis statement
2. Objective statement
3. Discussion 1 with evidence
4. Discussion 2 with evidence
5. Personal opinion (if required)
6. Concluding statement
Yeskiputri11 1 / 2  
Nov 4, 2017   #9
Hi @holt

Somehow, all of your comments in this thread has given improvement in my IELTS writing.
Thank you very much.

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