Posts by Ugla

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay on Cousteau [4]

Common App Option #4

Option #4. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Ultra first draft, any feedback would be lovely:
'What Lies Beneath'

Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me, he is a shining beacon of humanity's need to explore the unknown, be it underwater or in any other context.

The unknown has always held a certain fascination for me, starting when I was a small child. I was never afraid of the dark, rather I was intrigued by the secrets it could potentially hide. My current love of reading also stems from the unknown, as in literature, uncertainty is something to be prized and not reasoned against.

I first encountered the name of Cousteau, albeit sarcastically, when I was thirteen and I took a course in Scuba Diving at my local swimming pool. I was jokingly referred to by a senior member of the Dive Club as the next Cousteau. I can only assume this was because of my downright fearful look when an instructor told me to put a large amount of lead around my waist and jump into the pool. To this day I still think that I must have offended that man in some way.

After this seemingly insignificant, and honestly downright frightening, event I decided to research this vaguely obscure name to, and consequently I found out about Cousteau's pioneering exploration of the underwater world. This spurred me on to complete the course in the pool, and then to get out into the real world to follow in the steps of the great pioneer of the sport.

Now, after nearly 5 years of diving all over the world, encompassing Egypt to the Caribbean, a remark made by Cousteau still intrigues me, "From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free". The pleasure I gain from Scuba Diving is inexorably linked to this surprisingly philosophical statement. I have also attempted to apply this view to my life as a whole, as for me 'the surface' does not have to be strictly applied to the ocean, although this was its original connotation. To some extent the pleasure I derive from reading and appreciating literature can be linked to Cousteau's comment, as reading gives me the opportunity to 'sink beneath the surface' of normality and consider the writing in a completely different manner, separate from the 'weight of gravity' which can stop any hopes and aspirations.

I feel my own personal journey of discovery and exploration has only just begun, and I hope to follow in the footsteps of the émigré Cousteau from Europe to America, although hopefully for a longer period, to further myself and to bring a different set of experiences to the college setting, hopefully going beneath the surface once more.

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

I am going to be picky here, but the end seems weak. I would try ending with a shorter sentence and a less abstract idea rather than just an epiphany.

How long ago was your experience? If it was recent state it, if it was a long time ago, state it.

A few examples of grammar:

"More importantly, I knew that someone who has the same age as mine cared about me."

More importantly, I knew that someone who was my age cared about me

"One day when passing by a sugar machine"
Sugar as in candy? If so, change it as sugar is a different thing completley

"Being a tenderfoot"
Not entirely sure what this means, if it is an Americanism then fine, if not it probably needs clarifying

"and after class I always went far to play in a swing."
Not sure what this means, if it means "I went far away from everyone to play on a swing" or something along those lines, it needs changing

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / I learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates [7]

My sophomore year in high school brought about many new changes involving my academic and extracurricular life.[/R]

[quote=ProcterSilex]While others gladly took sleep over morning practice, I was striving to attain the physical fitness and character necessary to succeed in other challenges I planned to face.

I do like this bit though, although I might rephrase it: 'While others gladly took sleep over morning practise, I was striving to attain the physical and mental capabilities necessary to succeed in whatever life threw at me.' or something along those lines

Junior year was a new experience in that I elected to take more challenging classes

Irrelevant without further explaination

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS! [14]

I also like it, although I am a little confused about how it fits into the prompt, I assume your 'work' is Betty Crocker, but it/she is only mentioned in 3 or 4 paragraphs. Don't know if that's a negative but I may try to tie it in a bit more.

One minor point;

It was only until an event several years later that I rekindled the flame between Betty and me

'It was only until' doesn't mesh with 'several years later'

Maybe: 'It was not until several years later that I rekindled my relationship with Betty' or 'It was not until several years later that the relationship between Betty and I was rekindled'

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay on Science (to pursue the proposed field of study) [3]

I do quite like this, especially the list of functions, and you're obviously a person with a considerable list of acheivements behind you and a skilled scientist, and this comes accross in the statement.

Few points of Grammar:

Incredibly, getting Harry Potter's magical wand real by multiplying it with i takes my breath away.

Not quite sure what this means

how every electricity and magnetism phenomenon

'How every electrical or magnetic phenomenon'

If anybody told me that Physics geeks are only capable of blowing up teacher's desk, I took it as a challenge.

Not sure what this means, needs clarification. 'If anybody told me' and 'I took it as a challenge' don't work in the same sentance

The 2nd project on polarization waveguide was a finalist at the Singapore Science and Engineering Fair (SSEF) 2009. My ongoing third project on nanomaterial fabrication has speaks of its promising contribution to the mass production of material that can bend light and generate invisibility.

Needs reworking. Your project was a finalist? Your project can speak? Or, you were a finalist and you say in your project that.

Beyond that, I would love to apply my knowledge of the physical world into something beneficial to the world

Good, but predictable and removed from the tone of the rest of the essay

Ugla

Sep 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay on Cousteau [4]

Thanks for your feedback, one of my main problems is being too verbose, a criticism I often have of others ironically.

I'll crop that in the next draft. Thanks :)

Ugla

Sep 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay on Cousteau [4]

Yay, minimal redraft:

'What Lies Beneath'

Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me, he is a shining beacon of humanity's need to explore the unknown, be it underwater or in ones self.

The unknown has always held a certain fascination for me, starting when I was a small child. I was never afraid of the dark, rather I was intrigued by the secrets it could potentially hide. My current love of reading also stems from the unknown, as in literature, uncertainty is something to be prized and not reasoned against.

I first encountered the name of Cousteau, albeit sarcastically, when I was thirteen and I took a course in Scuba Diving at my local swimming pool. I was jokingly referred to by a senior member of the Dive Club as the next Cousteau. I can only assume this was because of a startled look when an instructor told me to put a large amount of lead around my waist and jump into relatively deep water. An experience not to be repeated, especially seeing as my tank was almost empty and I wasn't fully able to move whilst bedecked in an assortment of diving equipment.

After this seemingly insignificant, and honestly downright frightening, event I decided to research this vaguely obscure name to, and consequently I found out about Cousteau's pioneering exploration of the underwater world. This spurred me on to complete the course in the pool, and then to get out into the real world to follow in the steps of the great pioneer of the sport.

Now, after nearly 5 years of diving all over the world, encompassing Egypt to the Caribbean, a remark made by Cousteau still intrigues me, "From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free". The pleasure I gain from Scuba Diving is inexorably linked to this surprisingly philosophical statement. I have also attempted to apply this view to my life as a whole, as for me 'the surface' does not have to be strictly applied to the ocean, although this was its original connotation, it could be both physical and metaphorical. To some extent the pleasure I derive from reading and appreciating literature can be linked to Cousteau's comment, as reading gives me the opportunity to 'sink beneath the surface' of normality and consider the writing in a completely different manner, separate from the 'weight of gravity' which can stop any hopes and aspirations.

I feel my own personal journey of discovery and exploration has only just begun, and I hope to follow in the footsteps of the émigré Cousteau from Europe to America, although hopefully for a longer period, to further myself and to bring a different set of experiences to the college setting, hopefully going beneath the surface again to bring a slightly different perspective to certain matters.