Posts by hlt306

hlt306

Jul 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / Should children be banned from playing computer games? [5]

Hi Temuulen,
I think that you should change your second word "think" in your very first sentence into "hold a belief" to avoid repetition as well as to show your lexical resources.

Also, "children" is a plural form for "child", so there is no "a" before "children".

hlt306

Jul 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / Happiness is extremely crucial to people's life, there are several methods to increase it [4]

Hi Okapi99,
Overall, I think that your essay is quite well-written with a wide range of vocabulary related to the topics. There are some minor parts in your essay I would like to comment:

1. "As a result, those reasons make it difficult to define." -> "As a result, those reasons make happiness complex to define."
In your sentence, I think that "it" is not quite clear, so that's why I suggest that you use a specific noun there. Also, I think that you can elevate the word "difficult" to a higher level word like "complex" so that you can avoid using the high-frequency words in your essay.

2. Instead of using "something that you love", try "passion".
3. I think you can use other phrases other than "get happy" like "find your state of happiness" or so. It would sound much more academic.

I'm not an expert teacher, but I hope that my comment can help you somehow.
Good luck.

hlt306

Jul 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / The population at the age of at least 65 in some parts of the world [3]

The percentage of elderly people in three countries

The line graph illustrates the percentage of the population at the age of at least 65 from 1940 to 2040 in Japan, Sweden and the USA.

Overall, the trends for all three figures increased, and they are expected to continue rising. Although the figure for USA is not predicted to be the highest at the end, it remained higher than the others for most of the time.

Starting at around 10 percent, the proportion of Americans aged 65 and over experienced an increasing fluctuation. This model was also applied to the figure for Sweden which began at a lower point of 7 percent. The percentage of 65-year-old people in Sweden is predicted to reach its peak at 25 percent, about 2 percent higher than that of the USA..

In contrast, the proportion of old people in Japan was the lowest in 1940, which was at the exact 5 percent. After seeing a slight drop from 1940 to around 1980, the figure for Japan started to increase gradually and is expected to rocket to more than 25 percent in 2040, which will be the highest of all three nations at that time.

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hlt306

Jul 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2 writing: Government is wasting money on the arts [2]

Hi @kmc,
Your essay was so well-written with a wide range of complex lexical resources. I was like wow when I read yours. There are just a few minor mistakes in your essay that I found:

1. It is not "allocate resources on the arts". The right preposition is "to"
2. I think that you forgot the "s" in the phrase "in today' stressful world"
Overall, great essay. I love the diverse vocabulary that you showed in this essay. I think that your band score for this essay is 7 - 7.5 (maybe 8 but I'm not sure about this).

Let's share opinions on each other's essays in the future, shall we? It would be a pleasure to learn from you.