Video games and kids
Some people think that playing computer game is play an important role in life children, but others think that it harms children's health, and it is waste of time for a children. In my opinion, the children should avoid playing computer game for two reasons which I explore following essay.
First of all, it is benefit for playing game in predetermined time. However, if children do not have control of its uses, it can affect their life in negative ways such as a child, who playing video game every day, will weaken the vision. I have personally experienced this situation. When I was in primary school, I have been playing video game after school despite doing homework. As a result, not only my eyesight has weakened but also receive low grade in the class. I would not get worse grade in my class and weaken the eyesight if I did not play video game.
Secondly, playing computer game can also lead to negative effect in the socialization, and may lead to cease the conversation of their friends. Also cause for children to be introverted person. My young brother's experience demonstrates this is true. When he started high school, he was loved to play video game in a home and he did not enjoyed communicate with his classmates. Consequently, he cannot speak his classmates even in the school because he became the introverted person as playing game in the home whole day.
In conclusion, it should not be allowed to playing video game for children. This is because playing video game a long time it may cause for children to weakening eyesight, and because they could be introverted person.
First, I think you need to improve your grammar so the reader can understand what you are trying to say.
Second, what is the complete prompt of this essay? Does this require your opinion?
Although giving examples is a plus so it can lengthen your essay and elaborate more of your point of view.
Hi Temuulen, you should post the original prompt next time so we can review your essay accurately. Although I can see your main ideas in the essay, there is room for improvement. I suggest you read or learn more about the part of speech. There are some errors I found:
..playing computer game
is play ...
gaming plays an.....
and it is a waste of time
it is beneficial for playing..
predetermined time. What are you talking about? Predetermine means something sets up in advance.
..in their young age.
With regard to this sentence, you are lacking a subject.
I think that you should change your second word "think" in your very first sentence into "hold a belief" to avoid repetition as well as to show your lexical resources.
Also, "children" is a plural form for "child", so there is no "a" before "children".
you should built your ideas clearly following by:
Main idea No.1.....detail 1.....detail 2...
Main idea No.2.....detail 1.....detail 2...
Main idea No.3.....detail 1.....detail 2...
Conclusion: summarize all ideas which have been listed in your second paragraph.