Posts by pc

pc_pc

Mar 23, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discuss about advantages and disadvantages of private medical services. [4]

You must make the thread Urgent for a new review from a Contributor, thank you.

First Paragraph (Introduction): The second sentence is against privately owned hospitals, and the third sentence supports privately owned hospitals. It's good that you mention both sides. However, both stances are too strong. If you change the wording of those two sentences so that the language is more mild, then the introduction will be more appropriate for an essay discussing pros and cons in the following paragraphs. Because the prompt is asking for both advantages and disadvantages, you don't need to use such firm language when introducing both sides.

Second and Third Paragraphs (Body): 1) You have good information for both paragraphs. You just need a topic sentence for each paragraph to keep tying those facts back to. Every time you mention a fact in a body paragraph, explain more explicitly how it relates to the topic sentence of that body paragraph. 2) The essay might be easier to follow if you discuss the advantages before the disadvantages.

Fourth Paragraph (Conclusion): It is good that you addressed both the drawbacks and the benefits that you mentioned in the preceding paragraphs. Since you mentioned that privately owned hospitals compromise patient safety, it doesn't seem appropriate to use the phrase "improving the quality." Instead, maybe you can mention how privately owned hospitals continue to offer care to a greater number of people who would otherwise have no access to any medical care at all. In this way, private hospitals increase the reach or jurisdiction of the medical care system.

General: You do not need to mention "I," "me," "my," or other first-person words, unless they are being used for style or emphasis.

Revision:

It is irrefutable that having good health is one of the fundamental rights of every human being. Health care is extended to people by both public and private entities. Privately owned hospitals can offer benefits that public hospitals cannot, but they also have their drawbacks.

Governments should encourage private organizations to invest in medical systems because privately funded hospitals can handle unfavorable situations and offer resources that public health care systems cannot afford to. For example, public medical centers struggle to offer high-quality care when they are overloaded with patients. Meanwhile, private hospitals are financially well-supported, so they can open up branches in a multitude of areas and serve a greater number of people than public hospitals can handle. Thanks to local private clinics, residents of rural and mountainous areas can easily access health care without needing to travel long distances to central hospitals. Secondly, private hospitals have the money to provide patients with more and technologically advanced choices when they are seeking medical care, whereas public hospitals can only supply limited options because of their low budgets. All in all, private hospitals can present patients with amenities that public hospitals cannot.

On the other hand, because making money is the top priority of private holding companies, privately owned hospitals engage in practices that put human lives at risk. Private clinics charge exorbitant fees for their services and prescription drugs. Consequently, patients who cannot foot the private systems' medical bills are denied access to treatments that are crucial to their well-beings. In addition, privately held hospitals minimize labor costs by staffing low-wage, unqualified medical practitioners. Such hiring practices ultimately put human beings at risk because patients can be misdiagnosed and not receive vital treatments as a result. Thus, though privately owned hospitals have the funding to offer quality care, they do not always function in ways that prioritize patient care in reality.

In conclusion, despite the advantages offered by privately held hospitals, it is in patients' best interests to have both public hospitals and private clinics be available to them. Patients should be able to decide which hospitals to frequent based on the quality, affordability, and safety of the care they desire.

pc_pc

Sep 1, 2019

Undergraduate / Urbana-Champaign Essay review/edits Computer Science - Artificial Intelligence and Bioinformatics [2]

The third paragraph starts to share your specific origin story, like that of a superhero. In the third paragraph, describe a specific piece of software that you dreamed of having (to tie it back to the theme of using dreams) and that you developed. What was enjoyable about the process (making decisions about the design, finding all the test cases so a human could use it without it breaking, etc.)?

pc_pc

Jan 12, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Car theft, house burgling and street robbery - statistics in two countries [4]

Since you are given a line graph with numerical/time information, you can show that you know how to describe numerical/time information in English using words/phrases that show quantity (like larger/largest, smaller/smallest, least, most, more, greater than, less, less than, equal, same, common, exceed, surpass, increase/increased, decrease/decreased, etc.) and time (during, initial/initially, origin/originally, after, before, gradual, finally, began, ended, etc). I focused on a few sentences in the second paragraph.

In the second paragraph (first sentence), the word major sounds a bit odd to describe a quantity. Instead, I would use most popular or most common. In the same sentence, instead of the word replaced, you could use exceeded or surpassed. I would phrase it:

The most popular form of crime between 1970 and 2005 was car theft, except in 1980, during which the number of house burgling cases surpassed the number of car theft cases.

In the second paragraph (second sentence), gradually is an adverb (modifies a verb) while gradual would be the corresponding adjective (modifies a noun).
Here are two ways you could rephrase it:

After 1970, there was a gradual increase in car theft, which had occurred 0.4 million times already.
Car theft gradually increased after 1970, during which it occurred 0.4 million times.

In the second paragraph (fourth sentence), you need to mention what is rapidly growing in the dependent clause (the part of the sentence before the comma), even though you clarify that you are talking about house burgling in the independent clause (the part of the sentence after the comma). Rapidly is an adverb (modifies a verb), while rapid is the corresponding adjective (modifies a noun). Here are some ways you could rephrase it:

While the number of house burgling cases rapidly grew after 1970, house burgling peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980.
House burgling rapidly increased after 1970, and it peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980.
Rapidly increasing after 1970, house burgling peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980. (This is an exception, where you do not have to mention what is rapidly increasing in the dependent clause because it is implied by the structure of the sentence. See this link: opentextbooks.org.hk/ditatopic/4535)

pc_pc

Jul 15, 2023

Writing Feedback / GRE: Employee productivity and Internet usage [2]

This is a GRE Analytical Writing Argument task. I am wondering what I would score out of 6 for this response and how I could improve the strength of my response.

Prompt:

The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits."

Write a response in which you examine the states and/or unstated assumptions of the argument.

Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

My response:

The author's argument that the productivity of company employees is limited by their use of the Internet at their workstations is weakened by the inherent assumptions of that statement. The author assumes employees who use the Internet at their workstations are using it to spend time on non-work-related activities such as shopping or playing games. The employees could, in fact, be using the Internet to research solutions and resources to help them complete their work more quickly. The author assumes that by monitoring employees'' Internet use, the company can curb employees' time waste. The author's proposition does not account for the other ways that employees could be wasting time, including excessively frequent breaks or excessively long lunch and bathroom breaks. Employees could also be wasting company time while chatting with co-workers. The author's solution does not track these behaviors, meaning company time waste would not be prevented. The author also assumes that there exists a software capable of differentiating what activities the employees are using the Internet to carry out. Though the software may be able to detect whether employees are surfing popular shopping and gaming websites, the author does not specify whether the software can detect when employees are using the Internet to collaborate on company projects with each other or research solutions from third-party websites. Falsely attributing Internet use to wasting time and accusing employees of abusing Internet privileges could lead to low employee morale, which could lead to reduced productivity and profits. By not addressing these assumptions, the author's belief that employee's productivity could be increased by controlling Internet usage at company workstations is weakened.

pc_pc

Jul 16, 2023

Writing Feedback / GRE Task: Showerhead modification saves money [NEW]

Showerhead modification saves money

For the Sunnyside Towers GRE prompt, the task is to discuss what questions would need to be answered to assess if the prediction is reasonable. (This task can be read on page 6 of the argument pool tasks on the ETS website.)

My Response:

It is not possible to judge whether the prediction that modifying the showerheads to restrict maximum water flow will increase corporation profits. The owner's assumption that the manager is saving on water is unsubstantiated without the before and after data. The manager may be paying larger amounts because the tenants are taking longer showers to adjust to the new showerheads. Another assumption is that the manager is saving money because the tenants are using less water when the tenants may not be using the water at all. Tenants unsatisfied with the new showerheads may be leaving the complex entirely. In this case, the manager would be saving on water but not increasing his profits as he has no tenants paying rent. The last assumption is that all the buildings in Sunnyside have the same number of showerheads and the same concentration of tenants per showerhead. If the logistics of the showerheads and usage are not uniform throughout the buildings, then the assumption that the same modification of more showerheads, will increase profits may be false. Without more usage data and logistical research on the usage within all the buildings, the owner's argument that the new showerhead configurations will increase profits is risky at the manager will face the fine if the prediction is wrong.