GRE: Employee productivity and Internet usage

This is a GRE Analytical Writing Argument task. I am wondering what I would score out of 6 for this response and how I could improve the strength of my response.

Prompt:

The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits."

Write a response in which you examine the states and/or unstated assumptions of the argument.

Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

My response:

The author's argument that the productivity of company employees is limited by their use of the Internet at their workstations is weakened by the inherent assumptions of that statement. The author assumes employees who use the Internet at their workstations are using it to spend time on non-work-related activities such as shopping or playing games. The employees could, in fact, be using the Internet to research solutions and resources to help them complete their work more quickly. The author assumes that by monitoring employees'' Internet use, the company can curb employees' time waste. The author's proposition does not account for the other ways that employees could be wasting time, including excessively frequent breaks or excessively long lunch and bathroom breaks. Employees could also be wasting company time while chatting with co-workers. The author's solution does not track these behaviors, meaning company time waste would not be prevented. The author also assumes that there exists a software capable of differentiating what activities the employees are using the Internet to carry out. Though the software may be able to detect whether employees are surfing popular shopping and gaming websites, the author does not specify whether the software can detect when employees are using the Internet to collaborate on company projects with each other or research solutions from third-party websites. Falsely attributing Internet use to wasting time and accusing employees of abusing Internet privileges could lead to low employee morale, which could lead to reduced productivity and profits. By not addressing these assumptions, the author's belief that employee's productivity could be increased by controlling Internet usage at company workstations is weakened.

The explanation gives too many reasons but does not really develope a believable reasoning line. The explanations do not really developed the given reason as something based on reality because the discussion is too short. You could have focused on less reasons and more explanations so that you would have had a chance to convince the reader that the author was wrong. While I can see where you want to go with your defense and explanation, you fell short of actually developing your explanations into something that warrants belief. You could have expanded the discussion some more by using paragraphs to anchor the topics. The reason you failed to develop the explanations was exactly that. You tried to do it all in a single paragraph when you should have used about 4 paragraphs instead.