Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by phlorem
Name: Quadri Idowu Akinremi
Joined: Sep 6, 2019
Last Post: Sep 10, 2019
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: Nigeria
School: Unilorin

Displayed posts: 7
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phlorem   
Sep 6, 2019
Scholarship / Swarz scholars statement of purpose (500 words) [3]

Describe your professional interests and goals and how the program connects with your professional trajectory:



o What particular social, cultural, business, policy, or global issue is your focus of interest? What are the major factors driving
change on this issue?
o Why are you dedicated to this issue, and what is your vision to lead positive impact in the future?
o How will the Schwarzman Scholars program and a deeper knowledge of China's role in the world advance your goals?

As a first class graduate of food science, a course which covers such areas as food safety, security and prevention of food borne hazards, as well as post-harvest losses using the instrumentation of science and technology. My candid view is that the world can be prevented from hunger and all forms of hardship through the provision of good quality food, water, healthcare, shelter and clothing using the knowledge of technology. In line with this, l have an interest which correlates with the objectives of the global strategy of reducing risk factors for chronic diseases that stem from unhealthy diets and physical inactivity through public health actions and increasing awareness, as well as understanding the influence of diet and physical activity on health and the positive impact of preventive interventions. I equally have a keen interest in contributing to the united nation's 2030 sustainable development goal of zero hunger.

According to the World health Organization, 12.9% of the world is undernourished with about 33-35% of this value found in Sub-Saharan Africa. The major cause of this includes poverty, social and political instability, war, natural disaster, Illiteracy and poor governance. This statistics supports the 2017 Global Hunger Index which shows that 52 out of the 119 countries analyzed still suffer from extreme level of hunger with more than 15 of those in Africa. As a graduate student in Nigeria where poverty level is high and coming from a family with a low income and standard of living, my experience of suffering from hunger and lack of quality food is a major drive propelling my interest to becoming trained and skilled in the policy and management of food security or food safety and hygiene as a Schwartzman scholar.

The solutions to the eradication and prevention of global hunger is diverse as its problems. Agriculture is key and the sector needs to be made lucrative enough to attract skilled and unskilled personnel. In the short term, prevention of pre and post-harvest loses can be attained by providing adequate storage facilities and sensitization of local farmers on the use of modern farming techniques and materials. Processing of perishable foods as well as usage of excellent packaging and distribution network to mention a few are of great importance. Long term goal is to provide a global business network involving local farmers, food specialists, and industries for the purpose food security, safety and hygiene.

In conclusion, China's role in achieving the No two (Zero global hunger 2030) of the seventeen sustainable development goals cannot be overstated. With only nine percent of the globe's arable land, China feeds twenty percent of the world population. Since 2011 China's National nutrition improvement program has helped over 36million students in rural areas. African countries plagued by conflict and hunger have also benefitted from Chinese aids and expertise over the years. With the opportunity and relationships between China and the world provided by schwarzman scholar program, attaining the skills and the platform to achieve my dreams is a possibility.
phlorem   
Sep 6, 2019
Writing Feedback / The diagram illustrates how electricity is produced by using water [2]

Vhag, No prompt was given in this write up, so i couldn't really say if you are trying to educate us or you needed us to assess the write up.

However, This looks like a summary of hydro electric power generation and in my opinion the write up looks a bit ordinary. you can improve on it. Most especially telling us the working principles of the turbine which is very key to electric generation
phlorem   
Sep 6, 2019
Research Papers / Animal Cruelty and Human Violence - English 102: Section 11432 [3]

vincec,
sorry for the late reply, back to the essay: I really think your first paragraph is not catchy enough. the topic is a good one so i was expecting you to wow me and get me interested immediately. In addition you should rather split the two concept of human violence and animal cruelty. The use of those words together without properly defining them is making your essay rather complicated.

your third to fifth paragraph is okay as you were highlighting reason why animals shouldn't be harmed. although i think you can shrink the paragraphs and make your points more visible. highlight your points, give valid reasons and support it with facts and statistics.

Paragraph involving the vets, the infants and the community are rather too clumsy and unnecessary .I will advice you shrink the whole essay and focus mainly on the topic, your points, facts backing those points, and your conclusion.

Your essay lacks conviction, not systematically arranged .. please kindly reduce the whole essay while focusing on just your points.. Each paragraph should a new poin or argument
phlorem   
Sep 6, 2019
Writing Feedback / Importance of Parks, Sports facilities and shopping malls in planning towns [2]

Nice first paragraph, although I think you should state your opinion immediately rather earlier

I think your argument isn't convincing enough most especially when you are rebutting the beneficial claims you are giving on sport complexes. It is quite obvious and that the benefits you give outweighs your rebuttal which ultimately makes your argument unconvincing.

your arguments towards shopping complex looks good and your grammatical expression is okay.

You should also try ending with a hook
phlorem   
Sep 10, 2019
Scholarship / Swarz scholars statement of purpose (500 words) [3]

Thank you so much for the feed back @Alasa.. I also think i can made the conclusion more interesting than that.

I would love if @holt can also comment on this . I am a big fan
phlorem   
Sep 10, 2019
Scholarship / What Leadership is supposed to be.. [4]

The leadership skill and influential skill written after your firstly and secondly respectively in the second and third paragraph should be removed.. you don't need to write that, the body of the paragraph will show the reader.

in the second paragraph, repetition of leadership should be avoided. In addition to that I sincerely dont think you have done justice to the prompt. In fact you have not demonstrated any leadership skill . It would be better if you develop your point more around the teachers talent program and how you lead your colleagues,attend to their needs and improve their lives.

your third paragraph had a lot of potential to be a hit. However u need to focus more on the problems, your influence and the results .

you also need to work on your grammer
phlorem   
Sep 10, 2019
Scholarship / Conflic resolution, religion - Chevening Leadership essay. [4]

Tobechukwu, In as much as you have an idea, you write up didn't have the spice required to win this scholarship. In the second paragraph you need to focus your essay more on the group you formed, problems you identified, the challenges you faced and most importantly the result you obtained.

Read through other people essay on this platform and you will realize you need a better hook and opening statement than the one you wrote.

your third paragraph has huge potential to be massive, but came short, you need to spell out the challenges, the team and ways you formed to tackle those challenges, the effects those changes had and the result you get at the end. preaching Unity and ending inter-religious fights and sentiments will always make a good write up ..

work on this as i will be looking forward to the revised edition of your essay
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