Undergraduate / UPenn: Page 217 of Autobiography starts with an incomplete sentence [2]

(starts with an incomplete sentence since it's just pg 217 of the book ;)

received neither the life, liberty, nor the pursuit of happiness (as stoutly declared by Jefferson) while under my parents' wing. I pitied my siblings and myself.

In keeping with the usual Asian stereotype, my parents kept us in shape academically. As an elementary school student in the Philippines, I would spend my evenings trying to grasp the notion that "becuase" was "because." By my side was my Mamey ready to unleash her pinches at will. My slave drivers firmly drilled in to my head that not only should I do my best but also to be the best.

My parents (especially my Dadey) also imparted that none of us were to engage in trivial pursuits of romance until graduation---from college. To do so would prompt the renunciation of any existing ties that may exist between a child young man and his parents.

It was understandable then that I bawled tears of joy upon receipt of the blessed letter of acceptance from a college 4966 miles away from tyranny. Oh, what a foolish child I was!

"你要咖啡吗?" repeated the irritated coffee shop clerk. "喂!"

"对不起," I replied apologetically, suddenly snapping back to reality.

Despite financial success not only in Wall Street but also in Shanghai, Mumbai, and Dubai, a void lingers. It's been five years since my last contact with my family. As they say, one can easily get lost in the clamor and glamour of the city life.

As I sip my cup of cappuccino and gaze into the blur of a seemingly homogenous crowd, a revelation of sorts manifests right in front of me.

"你愿意嫁给我吗?" beseeched the potential groom to her lover, kneeling.

"当然!" gushed the overjoyed bride, as she gets whisked by the groom in to a long passionate kiss to the applause of the well-wishing crowd.

Smiling, I left the coffee shop with my phone at hand. Today is my parents' wedding anniversary.

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I dont really like how this "essay" turned out. Should I just scrap it and start a new one? Or can it still be improved (drastically)?

Undergraduate / Wearing my favorite Abercrombie shirt/ App: Experience [3]

" Wearing my favorite Abercrombie shirt, while listening to a Black Eyed Peas song on my iPod nano, I stepped out of the Philippine airport (with my Skechers shoes on) only to realize that I was an alien in a place that I considered my home.

I was 10 years old when my parents, without warning, popped the single most life-changing statement ever uttered: "We're going to Hawaii!" I was taken aback. Our family had neither the money nor the time to spend for sipping pineapple juice in sunny Hawaii. It was then that I realized that the trip would not be for vacation but rather, migration. Assimilation to Hawaii's local culture was fast and easy. In a year, I rid myself of my accent and spoke almost-perfect English. By my second year, I could tell apart a wahine from a kane and could easily locate where Secret's Beach is, the clandestine surfing spot for locals. In fact, the "fresh off the boat" immigrants from the Philippines assumed that I was locally born. Surprisingly, I was flattered."

This is the beginning part of my essay. I don't think it's good enough, though. The topic is somewhat overused and the writing is so-so. What do you guys think? Should I just start over with a different topic?

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay DRAFT (UPenn, Columbia, NYU, Boston U, Northwestern) [3]

Silently kneeling by my side, my Mamey calmly reaches out for my scrawny legs, in an attempt to salvage my Power Rangers sneakers from the loops and knots I subjected them to. "You will have to learn how to tie your shoes someday. You're a big boy already," advises my mom in her tender Tagalog. As she quietly struggles with the entangled laces, I too struggle to hold back the tears that stubbornly flood my eyes. There is no way in impyerno that I could look weak in her eyes. Not now.

I was ten years old when my parents, without warning, popped the single most life-changing statement ever uttered: "We're moving to Hawaii!" With childish exuberance, I, with my two sisters, leaped up and down the bed full of mirth, as if gum balls of rainbow colors had rained on us. In our juvenile minds, the pristine beaches and scenic mountains of Hawai'i trumped the pristine slums and the scenic garbage of the Philippines any day. To my surprise, however, a sympathetic gloom of sorts enshrouded my parents' countenance, as my siblings and I celebrated. All was not said. Mamey, my mom, who, due to some complicated technicality with her visa, would not be migrating to Hawaii with us. It would take at least five more years for her to arrive. In an instant, gloom enshrouded the whole room, and the bed sheets that we jumped on became our Kleenex.

Without Mamey, what will happen to us? Where will I go for advice? Who is going to tie my shoes? The thought of life without Mamey consumes me. In fact, it so completely absorbs me that the long drive to the dreaded airport seems fleeting. Only until the loud hum of the car stopped do I snap back to reality: we've arrived at the airport, ready to depart.

Having been whisked away from the realms of my thoughts, I hastily gather my belongings (and my composure), as my dad unloads our baggage from the trunk. Reluctantly, I look towards my mom, whose sunglasses now bleakly cloak her eyes. At that very moment, my sisters with open arms fervently approach Mamey, tears running from their eyes. I finally become weak.

In retrospect, however, Mamey's temporary absence strengthened me as an independent person. [insert how absence strengthened me here]

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It's still a draft, so it's not finished. What do you guys think?

Undergraduate / Activities: Job at a Filipino Restaurant [Common App] [3]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer). [Common App]
"Anya metten!"

For me, the single most important aspect about chopping vegetables and washing dishes at Mama Lucy's Kitchen is that everything is Filipino. The food. The lingua franca. The atmosphere. And even that dripping faucet all remind me of that archipelago of seven thousand islands. I feel an empowered connection to my own culture whenever I come to work.

In fact, this distinctive Filipino quality is the reason for why Mama Lucy's Kitchen, a small business, is able to stand its ground against the nearby Chinese fast food franchise and McDonald's. As one of the few Filipino restaurants in an island of 64,000 people, Mama Lucy's found her own niche at that quaint stretch of Rice Street.

As an aspiring businessman, I hope to find my own niche in the business world, one that incorporates my identity, values, and past experiences. Maybe I can establish my own Filipino fast food franchise in the future. Who knows?