Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer- Community Service [6]

"This is why I got involved with community service, an activity through which I was able to build houses for those affected by the Ica earthquake, provide religious education for the indigenous tribes of the Iquitos jungle, and donate school supplies and basic goods for dozens of public schools around Peru. Helping soon became more than a social obligation, it became an avocation through which I have found fulfillment and rejoice, a passion I wish to develop throughout my life and inculcate in my surroundings."

Before this, I love the imagery and it's such a strong moment. The reader understands that this is why you got involved in community service, you don't have to reiterate the point. "An activity through which" is also unnecessary. Anything sentence using "through which" usually doesn't work.

Reword and work the transitioning of this bit and you'll be good. By the way, when was helping a social obligation? And in the last sentence, you use "avocation," "fulfillment" and "rejoice" (which is a verb.) and "inculcate" (you want to instill helping in your surroundings?). It sounds unnatural when you use so many big words together. In that last sentence, I bet you can decrease the total number of words significantly. These big words don't tell me anything. Use your words wisely.

And I like the first sentence as it is. It foreshadows your point.

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret" [5]


Good image but you're not using the metaphor correctly-- you can't fall back unto (always an awkward word) a lighthouse.

The last paragraph tells too much. Use subtext.

This essay topic is relatable and I can definitely tell that this means alot to you... but I still don't know who you are.

Undergraduate / "How diverse can our world possibly be?" - common app: last prompt on Diversity [6]

I like the fact that you went to Costco. That in itself is just purely American. I really like this essay but there are so many repetitious parts that are unnecessary and keep the first paragraph but shorten it. Too many unnecessary words once again.

Undergraduate / "You are wearing a mask!"; meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [6]

II hear your voice in this essay. It's strong and its real, and it covers up the fact that you're slightly bragging, which isn't necessarily bad in this essay. You throw random facts at the reader: "I worked hard for the things I wanted because I realized that I would not get them any other way, and I ended up playing the whole game as an eighth grader in the high school state championship softball game a year later." So you're good at softball. Okay, but I don't like the placement. It would be stronger somewhere else, possibly. And this sentence can be split in half and the first half can be cut down.

Good start, keep editing.

Undergraduate / 'Weeks in China, born in Japan' -STANFORD supplement [5]

"As of now, I had enjoyed"

Tense.

Undergraduate / 'The Revolution and Conflict class' - Intellectually Engaging Experience Short Answer [3]

Even though I had heard this claim before, I had never truly thought about the fact that everything I have ever read in a textbook had come from the perspective of the winner.

I know that's your point, but the fact that you didn't realize this 'claim' before taking the class just doesn't paint an intellectual picture of you.

Undergraduate / Tug of War - Evaluate a Significant Risk-Macaulay Honors Essay [4]

I really like this essay but I believe that the tone of this essay could be changed. I feel like it should be more pensive. Is this at the word limit? Maybe include an experience between you and your father that represents your war with him.

Undergraduate / (MaCaulay Honors essay) - Discussion of a Risk- Pollution & Recycling [4]

yes, we need to recycle but what does this say about you?

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay #2: Roommate Essay [6]

this is a really cute essay and all... But I feel like I've read it before... Have you posted this essay on an earlier date? If not, then I don't know. There's definitely been an essay that ends the same way. I don't know if that counts as plagiarism if the essay structure is the same

Undergraduate / "Daunting, isn't it?", significant experience and its impact on you.. [6]

I think the paragraph structures can be rearranged because you have a strong and interesting topic, but it's lost when I read it. If you reorganize and shorten, you'll be good.

Show, don't tell the part about your mother reading the obituary-- that would be amazing to read. Let the reader experience your uneasiness-- make your readers understand this out of body experience you had in a more personal manner. Switch to first person point of view, rather than the reflective tone you use.

Great first draft now keep working on

1. Rearrange structure
2. Better define impact (of the essay and of the event)-- build suspense? don't tell us this is a fake funeral maybe, make us confused yet intrigued about what's going on? I don't know, you'll have to come up with this part :)

3. Use more engaging language- I noticed faux wedding, was interested then lost my attention and barely skimmed the rest and knew you would make it into a "I learned this through this experience" kind of essay.

I love the topic you used but with such a strong topic, you also need to have stronger writing.

Undergraduate / A book that has affected you and how - Occidental Supplement [5]

This essay doesn't portray the best picture of you. Who reads a thousand-paged Biology book? You know you can get a 5 and retain about the same amount of knowledge if you read Barron's 150-200 (?) page book. I was so excited to read your essay because you had such a good hook going in the first paragraph and then the rest of the essay just fell short. Possibly change your topic or have a different thesis (point/focus/whatever) in this essay about how your quest for learning led to you reading your Biology book basically day in and day out ("My solution: read at school")

Keep in mind how you want your college readers to see you.

Undergraduate / "Chasing A Childhood Dream" - Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay [6]

Love the beginning

Edit this sentence:
She was the one that taught me to play accordion while methodically cutting her finger to test blood sugar levels. No matter how carefully she tried to keep the disease at bay, eventually it bust through. My dream has always been to cure her, to break her out of the broken body she's been trapped in. It's a dream I plan to fulfill.

Then you have this big chunk of text
"Dreams must have a foundation... Changing the world is on my to-do list, and Carnegie Mellon is the perfect place to do so."

-and I believe you lose your voice here. You just become another person who has interned in a laboratory and then I didn't read the rest because the paragraph was just too long. Either split it up into smaller paragraphs or just rephrase. Make the context/situating shorter and your point come to the front.

Undergraduate / I found a new "passion"; Pomona- high school experience [3]

you're technically in 9th grade and applying to college? what?

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - essays and a limerick [5]

Yes, your second round of answers are more eloquent but they're also SO much more generic. I've lost all sense of who you are. I was interested in the "thrift shop" bit. And are you from Hawaii or New York? Either way, use your environment to portray who you are! Both of those cities are amazingly rich and influential.

Don't listen to Juniper_Jumper too much, stick to your own voice. You can talk about being clumsy- it's not a BAD quality, it's who you are.

There's so much you can write about yourself. Just think about what qualities are unique to you or that you want to portray.

Your poem says NOTHING about who you are, the first one was more personal. And J_J is wrong, poetry is however you want to make it.

I'm so confused by your famous New Yorker essay. I've reread it several times and I get where you're going at but you definitely need to rephrase it. Weezer is better than I love Lucy though.

Movie: You're thinking too big. Go down the ladder of generalization, or up. But have that shift from economics to a personal future experience or vice-versa.

Major: generic.

Are you applying to Stern? I know people who got in early and they all painted a large, multi-faceted picture of themselves. You have four essays- four chances to show who you are. Capitalize on a different quality in each one, possibly. Or mix and match but so far I ONLY know that you're into economics and not even WHY you're into economics.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I really do want to help you cause I feel like you can write amazing essays about yourself but you're just too focused on writing what you think the adcoms want to hear.