I'm kind of in a rut over this one...could anyone please help me look over what I've written and give some suggestions? Thanks!
Carnegie Mellon Undergraduate Admissions Essay
I'm in better shape than most of you.
Not the words of a dying man. Nor would a dying man be laughing and doing push-ups in front of a stadium jam-packed with people. This was a literal "last lecture" by a man who grew up like any other boy and later ended up changing the lives of over six million people worldwide. Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch did not choose to spend his remaining time on earth wallowing in self-pity - he chose to do something. He asked us all to use our lives wisely and fulfill our dreams just as he had.
What would you do if you only had three months left? I'd go back to China, my mom replies. My twelve-year-old brother has a different idea - he'd play wii games until his time was up. But when I ask my grandmother this question, she simply smiles and says I'd do nothing, because I've had everything. By everything, my grandmother means good and bad. Three heart attacks and a life ruled by diabetes have made her mind stronger even as her health deteriorated. She was the one that taught me to play accordion while methodically cutting her finger to test blood sugar levels. No matter how carefully she tried to keep the disease at bay, eventually it bust through. My dream has always been to cure her, to break her out of the broken body she's been trapped in. It's a dream I plan to fulfill.
Dreams must have a foundation. I've been fortunate not only to have the opportunities to develop my interest in science, but also to have the motivation that keeps a disgruntled teenager interested while learning the fundamentals. The first summer as a lab intern at the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology I was almost driven up the wall by the various security procedures and the monotony of practicing simple tasks - such as using pipettes to transfer tap water from beaker to beaker for practice. At that point I was ready to give up, but my parents encouraged me to try again. The next summer I went to the lab once more, and having learned the boring fundamentals, my experience was exponentially more interesting. Cell lines made for fascinating pets - the cells I grew were infinitely more exciting than my boring goldfish at home. By the time the next summer came around, I was almost dying to go back to the lab, as my mentor had promised me an actual research project. The next eight weeks I feverishly read previous literature, gathered samples, stained slides, messed up and re-stained, analyzed staining, and then finally came up with a conclusion. It really had taken all the "boring" skills I'd accumulated over the past two summers to conduct my project. As Randy Pausch said, you've got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff won't work.
So now I'm ready for the fancy stuff-and that's why I chose Carnegie Mellon. With an amazing 85% placement into medical school, Carnegie Mellon is not a place for ordinary people. It's a community where people with all sorts of diverse talents go to become extraordinary. The Mellon College of Science offers numerous many internships and research opportunities, not to mention an extremely helpful Health Professions Program to serve as a guide for the future after college. With such a close knit, helpful community, dreams definitely can be achieved. Just like Randy Pausch, I hail from Maryland, and come prepared to dedicate myself to hard work that comes with attending a world-renowned university, Carnegie Mellon. There is no better place to embark on the next step of chasing a childhood dream than the school from which your inspiration graduated. I choose Carnegie Mellon, not only to achieve my dreams, but to lead my life. Changing the world is on my to-do list, and Carnegie Mellon is the perfect place to do so.perfect, you not only captured me but taught me something about the school that i didnt know. its possible that you will have the same effect on an admission officer that doesnt know his professors as well, good job
please check out the rest of mine if you can
Beautiful essay! It's great to know someone who shares a similar passion for science. I just think that maybe you could shorten the info about Carnegie Mellon in the last paragraph. The admission officers already know how great their university is.
The Mellon College of Science offers numerous many internships and research opportunities
All in all, great job! And thanks so much for taking the time to review my essay as well! ^_^ Good Luck!
Love the beginning
Edit this sentence:
She was the one that taught me to play accordion while methodically cutting her finger to test blood sugar levels. No matter how carefully she tried to keep the disease at bay, eventually it bust through. My dream has always been to cure her, to break her out of the broken body she's been trapped in. It's a dream I plan to fulfill.
Then you have this big chunk of text
"Dreams must have a foundation... Changing the world is on my to-do list, and Carnegie Mellon is the perfect place to do so."
-and I believe you lose your voice here. You just become another person who has interned in a laboratory and then I didn't read the rest because the paragraph was just too long. Either split it up into smaller paragraphs or just rephrase. Make the context/situating shorter and your point come to the front.
Dude...I just wanted to say, this is really a great essay. Really, you should be proud of what you've written here. This essay shows that you're a good writter, that you're motivated, that you're smart, that you're empathetic and that you're accomplished, all without making you sound like a pompous asshole. I'm seriously in awe of how great this essay is. I'm applying to Mellon too and my essay isn't nearly as good, but I just wanted to tell you that I bet you'll get in with this one. Way to go.
this should be a semi-colon:
Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch did not choose to spend his remaining time on earth wallowing in self-pity; he chose to do something.
It's a community where people with all sorts of diverse talents go to become extraordinary. ----nice sentence! I almost suggested that you should omit "with all sorts," but actually I like it this way. You have a nice way of writing.
