Undergraduate / My Network Administration teacher, a person of importance in my life [5]

If you have time, please comment on my essay.

The prompt, from the CommonApp, went something like "Describe a person of importance to you and how he/she affected your life."

I'm wondering if this essay is not "personal" enough. In my essay, I am watching this scene as a spectator, instead of a participant, which is what happened in real life. Do I need to change the perspective?

Thanks in advance.

Here it is:

"Pprepresh vein!"

You might ask, "What does this mean?"

Well, so did us, a bleary-eyed, ragtag troop of students stumbling into our Network Administration class at nine o'clock in the morning with, naturally, a rabid, red-faced teacher repeatedly screaming this particular nonsensical phrase in our faces. And on the first day of school, above all that.

We cautiously take our seats, warily eyeing the teacher, who seems to be doomed to forever live on the bad side of bipolar disorder. In his right hand, curiously enough, our teacher grips a fluorescent pink hula hoop.

"Pprepresh vein!"

Saying nothing but this peculiar phrase, the teacher seems to expect something from us bewildered students. His pupils dilated in anger, the teacher aggressively hands a student the hula hoop and glares at him expectantly. The student hesitantly holds the hoop. His fingers tremble. He stares wide-eyed at our instructor. Of course, the student has no idea what to do with this hoop. He is, in fact, helpless before the rage of our uncommunicative teacher. He is without knowledge and without defense.

The terror of the student sparks an abrupt change in our teacher. His expression softens and he puts on an easy grin.

"Pprepresh vein."

Again, he motions for a student to grasp the hula hoop. This time, however, he patiently pantomimes what he wants us to do with that hoop. Now we can see that he wants us to join hands and pass the hula hoop in our little connected circle. Now we see the point of this little exercise. And now we begin to see a small glimpse of the lesson our teacher wanted taught.

Through his false rage and wide vocabulary, Mr. Jones taught me the lesson of attitude. As I sat feeling incredibly stupid and confused, the teacher was the only knowledgeable person in the room. He understood far more than me, and persistently and impatiently demanded that I spontaneously understand too, with only a single senseless phrase. As the ignorant one, I felt hurt by his forceful attitude. It wasn't fair that he was angry with me, as he took absolutely no time to explain the situation.

Then, as he took the time to calmly mime how to proceed, I was struck by the contrast between the two methods of communication. When he was patient, not only did he succeed in telling me what was expected without words, as compared to lashing out without provocation, he also made me feel much more secure and relaxed. In fact, later in the year, I felt exhilarated by the information that my teacher good-naturedly taught. I was not only learning, I was enjoying it. His encouraging attitude only strengthened my conviction to study. Undoubtedly, he made me realize that attitude, whether positive or negative, is the most significant element in any atmosphere.

His message completely changed my outlook on life. Now that I have experienced a near-nervous breakdown from ignorance, I fully appreciate the virtue of patience, and the willingness to simply explain. Since then, I make the conscious effort to just help. Whether it be in my workplace dealing with my boss and customers, to a friend with a question, with my parents' incessant comments, or even with my little brother yelling for no particular reason, I always try to maintain composure and talk to them armed with nothing more than a cheerful attitude and a smile.

Undergraduate / "Something you secretly like, but pretend not to" prompt----UVA: Stuffed animals [7]

I hate my introduction sentence. If anyone has any insight on how to make it better, please, please share.

UVA wants applicants to answer in "roughly" 250 words, and I have 277. Do you think they will insist on a solid limit?

I also tried to inject the theme of loyalty to friends without blatantly showing it. =P

Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vice versa:

At the age of four, my best friend's name was Slush, and he was made of cotton.

I had grand adventures with my stuffed dog, as he transformed from an ace pilot to a race car driver in a blink of an eye. Indiana Jones simply could not compare. Crouching under our fort of mattresses and sofa pillows, we would fight overwhelming waves of monsters, and still prevail. Exhausted by our mighty deed, we would retire late in the evening. On those nights, he would sit next to my bed and together we would think of tomorrow's brand new escapade.

Today, he still sits on my bed, forever a treasured friend and companion, though we hardly ever have the chance to journey anymore. But every time a friend calls, I hastily stow him under the sheets. Why? Well, I suppose it is considered abnormal for a high school male to sustain as childish of a habit as keeping a stuffed animal in his room. My friends consider me the serious type of person, and would kill themselves laughing over this relic from a forgotten age.

I know what they would say. As they themselves have done years ago, they would tell me to toss the scrap of rag out, that I had no use for such an object anymore.

Yet Slush was one of my first friends, a friend before I could read. How many of my peers can claim that? To do as my classmates have suggested would be like stabbing my little brother in the back. So for now, I will support my comrade, and in times of trouble, look to my oldest friend.

Thanks for the feedback!

Undergraduate / NYU Common app supplements-- 2050 movie, famous NYorker, poem on me, why NYU? [4]

Please help me! Thanks in advance

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

As one who has hardly set foot into New York City, I miss much of the rich culture flowing underneath the business centers that I have visited with my father. Of all the spectacles in NYC, the one I am most interested in seeing is the unique amalgamation of foreign races and cultures. Jerry Seinfeld, for one, is sure to hit every aspect of foreign culture in NYC right on its head. We would tour the hot dog stands, ride the taxis, and explore the deep culture of NYC, laughing all the way.

Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.

My horrible and generic "poem":

Stuck in the suburbs,
Yearning for grand adventure.
College life awaits.

In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

In Vicarious, you witness the rise of a glorious new technology that is interwoven with both computer science and imagination: virtual reality. Watch,as a team of programmers overcome their differences to change the world. Military casualties are next to zero,as robotic avatars take their places on the battlefield. Handicapped individuals live full lives due to advanced prosthetic interfaces. Life has been changed. But can this be used for good, and good only?

Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

What drew me to NYU was it's unique mesh of liberal arts specialization and engineering capability. The profession I want to enter is the creation of computer games, or something comparable. The integration of creativity and art design is essential in such a field, and I feel that NYU's academic stresses in both liberal arts and engineering will be instrumental in my education.