I would like honest feedback about my essay. Thank you!
QUESTION: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
In formation I stand in line, in the same uniform and with the same hairstyle as every girl other here. Although I had visited Nigeria many times before, living here and going to school was an extreme change. It was a new political and social environment, new languages. Even school was different. It was affiliated with the "Deeper life church," a Christian sect that had very rigid rules about behavior and appearance.
Adeola was another one of the few American-born students at Caleb International College. And with her near there was a sense of freedom, even in the midst in all the strict rules and regulations within the school and chaos outside. We banded together and had many afternoons of sneaking in "contrabands" such as smackers lip balm nearly melted by the tropical heat, reading books from the Harry Potter series in the locker room, and listening to banned music on our banned electronic devices. I was always nervous whenever we decided to do these things, but Adeola always managed to convince me, as corny as it sounds, "to take a walk on the wild side". She even convinced me to sneak out of our dorms with about 6 other girls to Lekki beach, which was about a 30 minute walk from our dorm. After minutes of being called everything from a chicken and an "olodo", a Yoruba insult that is a hybrid between stupid and wet blanket, I caved in. The walk there seemed to take hours and my heart wouldn't stop pounding. After what seemed like decades, we finally reached the beach and while Adeola and the other girls were lying on the sand, laughing, and swimming, I stood in the sand, transfixed, like a rock. I remained that way until the others were finally ready to leave. The walk back wasn't any more reliving, and even after I laid down on the bottom bunk the fear didn't subside. It wasn't the rational fear of getting caught and being punished but was something totally different from that, something I had felt many times before.
Life went on as usual the following days: 4:30 am wake up call, morning assembly, classes, rugby and again the next day. One day, after our daily hour in the chapel we all noticed Adeola was missing. After all the rumors and gossip subsided it was revealed by our house mistress that Adeola had run away. No one knew where she ran to. Some said she eloped, some said she might have been caught up in the recent riot in the streets of Lagos, and many other things were said but everyone did agree that she was a stupid, wild American girl and that it could only be expected of her to do something so "irrational".
During our free hour, as I sat on the veranda, I wondered why Adeola would do such a thing. Sure, I knew she wasn't exactly thrilled to be here, but neither was I. I knew that we both weren't used to such a restricting and critical society, but this was not the right thing to do. I listed off all her projected vices: ranging from insanity to downright stupidity but then I realized that although she was despised and hated by everyone because she did such an unacceptable thing... she was happy, wherever it is that she was. And here I was criticizing her, and all the while being suffocated by the confinement. I was the "zombie" that Fela Kuti described in his '77 classic. I wasn't exactly a soldier that was completely submissive to an oppressive dictatorship, but I wasn't far from it. I realized then that it didn't matter what people, society thought of what I did, or said or what I didn't so long as I was happy. I realized how much I wanted to feel free to do what I wanted without being afraid of the reactions of others, how much I wanted to be able to enjoy being in the water and sand. Her "horrendous" act of leaving her tropical, radiant prison helped me realized the mental confinement I had placed myself in and the control I let others have over me. I, like Adeola, I realized that I no longer wanted to be held in the dungeon that was my fear of the opinions of people. I never truly realized the impact Adeola had until I moved back to the USA. I no longer cared about being the only black girl at an indie rock concert or reading and discussing books such as "The Tao of Philosophy" by Alan Watts, whose eccentricity was not appreciated by my friends. I found happiness by not letting others dictate what my values, interests, and aspirations should be, but deciding them for myself.
thanks for commenting on my essay.
"I did manage to find someone to go through this with."
I thought this was a little weak. To emphasize the importance of that person, maybe something like this:
But the only way I could have survived such a treacherous mire was with the help of ...
"And with her near there was a sense of freedom,"
Thought this was a bit awkward. Maybe:
And with her came a sense of freedom,
or
She radiated a sense of freedom
"even in the mist in all the strict rules regulations within the school and chaos outside."
I'm pretty sure you meant this:
even midst all the strict rules and regulations within the school and chaos outside.
"I was always nervous whenever we decided to do these things, but Adeola always managed to convinced, as corny as it sounds, "to take a walk on the wild side"."
Forgot the "me." =D
I was always nervous whenever we decided to do these things, but Adeola always managed to convince me, as corny as it sounds, "to take a walk on the wild side".
"other girls to Lekki beach which"
comma
other girls to Lekki beach, which
"I stood in the sand, fixed, like a rock"
Maybe a better word would be transfixed? or petrified?
I stood in the sand, transfixed like a rock
Rest of the essay is good, except for one clarification issue...
"but it was something totally different from that, something I had felt many times before. "
Reading the entire essay, the reader can figure out what "it" is, but you might want to mention that earlier so that the reader doesn't get confused so early on.
But other than these small things, it's a solid essay. Good lesson learned and all that.
Hope this helps.
It wasn't the rational fear of getting caught and being punished but was something totally different from that, something I had felt many times before.
So, what was the fear you felt? Expand on this point a little, I think.
Also, I think it would be nice if you added more to your part about the beach. I don't know if you're trying to make that a very important part of your essay, but if you are, then I think it needs a little more description.
Overall, I really enjoyed this essay. I thought you did a really good job of characterizing your rebellion and I really liked your conclusion.
