Undergraduate / "a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :) [9]

Common App Short Answer
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities,personal activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

It was the last day of my school day before winter vocation. The weather forecast said a snowstorm was coming soon. Dusk was falling and wind was blowing as I hurried back home. Passing by an elementary school, I saw a homeless woman crouched in the corner of the school. She was wearing a dirty plastic paper outside her shabby coat in order to keep warm. The temperature was going to drop below zero tonight. I could not imagine how she could undergo the incoming coldness. Although she did not ask for money like other beggars did, I gave her eleven yuan (1.5 dollar) and left myself only two yuan for bus fare. A little surprised, she took the money and thanked me with a big and warm smile. I returned a smile and walked away without saying anything. At night, it started to snow and had been snowing for a month since that day. Hope the eleven yuan could help and inspire her a little in the freezing winter.(169)

Is that ok to have 169 words, or I need to narrow? Thank you so much!!!

Letters / My CV for undergraduate admission (economics, experience, leadership, activity) [4]

EDUCATION

ECONOMICS EXPERIENCE

Forex Trader
- Traded foreign exchange in practice account with $5000 practice funds

- Honed basic skills as forex trader, especially fundamental analysis of different factors, including market drivers and economic indicators

- Researched information of latest economic condition

- Obtained general knowledge of economic structure and financial system

- Focused on Sino-US and China-Euro relations

LEADERSHIP

President/Public Relations Manager
- Established first group organized by students in school

- Recruited over 30 members from all three grades with 70% average attendance rate per activity

- Planned and executed activities with focus on social responsibility, confidence, and teamwork skills

- Organized 10 social activities, including charity sales, internships, and field trips. One charity sale be reported by best-selling local newspaper

- Created posters to promote upcoming events and brochures to present prior activities

Group Leader
- Designed billboard in school twice per semester to introduce and promote class spirit

- Arranged classroom decoration to create delightful study environment or to celebrate holidays

- Prepared thanks cards and gifts for teachers on Teacher's Day, New Year and Spring Festival
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY

Participant
- Deepened perception of Sino-Japanese relations and Japanese cultures

- Raised awareness about importance of dialogue based on mutual respect between nations, especially countries with unsolved historical issues

- Contributed to society in China through service activity in Guangdong province

- Experienced international environment of XX College

- Considered world as global unit and youth as future backbone force

Community Volunteer
- Prepared singing and dancing performance

- Used money raised by charity sales to improve food quality of nursing home

- Talked and played easy games with the elderly

Volunteer Teacher
- Participated in volunteer group with 18 members from XXXX 2 months after disastrous earthquake happened in Beichuan

- Designed teaching sessions aiming at reduction of children's negative emotions

- Led Chinese puzzle games and outdoor activities with focus on team spirit, motivation and self-esteem for disaster-hit areas' children ages 6-10

- Eliminated unnecessary compassion and condescending actions to protect children's sensitive hearts

- Lived in crude prefabricated house and slept on bed combined by 9 desks for 10 days without having any showers during hottest period of summer

- Lost camera, money and ID card. Realized importance of self-protection especially when travelled alone in strange city

Organizer
- Raised money for charity fund by selling beverage

- Negotiated with management office of famous park for permission of charity sale

- Selected "Welcome 2008 Olympic Game" as marketing theme which was popular and eye-catching in 2008

- Designed colorful posters and uniforms to create intensive visual effect for attracting customers

Organizer
- Initiated newspaper fundraiser to collect money for postage of mailing donated books to primary school in Tibet

- Charity Sale reported by best-selling local newspaper

- Win-win cooperation. Low cost newspaper and high return social benefit

Logistics Intern
- Collaborated with logistics manager to prepare Spring Festival celebration events

- Decorated offices to create holiday atmosphere

- Provided high level of customer service on celebration

- Translated for foreign staffs
Teaching Assistant
- Assisted in organizing English Corner for first year high school students

- Tutored students with difficulties in oral English

- Praised by English teacher for progress made by my students
Member
- Participated in ancient Chinese poetry performances which received awards from school

- Practiced poetry recitation with expression

- Helped president conduct meetings for 15 members

WORK EXPERIENCE

Part-time Oral English Teacher
- Taught basic oral English one-on-one for adults

Marketing and Public Relations staff
- Distributed brochure and flyers in amusement park

- Pinpointed potential clients with children ages 4-8. Observed potential clients' dressing to assume affordability for English learning

- Used children's English learning situation as entry point of conversation

- Collected potential clients' personal information

- Commended by department manager for effectiveness and validity of collected information

COMPUTER AND LANGUAGE SKILLS

Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint
Fluent Chinese, Cantonese and English
Basic Japanese

I omitted some personal information.
Hope you can help me revise some grammar mistakes and provide some comments.
I'm applying for a bussiness school in Europe.

Undergraduate / "the relationship between China and Italy" -personal statement for a university [3]

Short-tempered, sometimes amiable but often strict to me, my mother has been one of the greatest positive influences in my life. People with ill temper are not easy to deal with because of their unpredictable anger, but I obtained the ability to get along with them thanks to my irascible mother. Besides that, many other valuable qualities I processed on account of mother's special education. It has taken me this long to realize how much my mother has taught me.

Since I had memory, the only person stayed with me has been my mother. Life is tough for a young single mother with heavy economic burden. Reality forced her to become an uncompromising woman, even as strong as a man in order to protect me. In contrast to a hyper-parent, my mother gave me enough freedom to make my own decisions as well as mistakes.

In the first year of elementary school, I started to go to school on my own after my mother had guided me several times. 30 minutes walking distance was a long journey for my age, but she thought it could be an excellent experience for me to develop both independence and self-determination. On my way to school, I learnt how to deal with different people, avoid dangerous situation, and overcome difficulties by myself. Once when I walking back home without an umbrella, it started raining heavily. Most of children in my age would choose to run back home or wait until the rain stop. However, I was different. Being brave enough, I asked a store-owner whether he could lend me an umbrella. A little surprised, the man gave me a blue umbrella and said, "No one borrows an umbrella form a stranger. People are afraid of being refused."

Indeed, numerous people feared to try, so they lose opportunities to make differences. They forgot their courage and abandoned their original dreams because of the cruel reality. Although I have experienced economic hardship in my life, I still own a dream with conviction. When I was a little girl, my hero was the first female emperor in Chinese history, and I felt unfair because most emperors were males. Now I inspired to become a successful business woman for the same reason that women should be taken seriously especially in the traditionally male-dominated fields.

Studying in a university with an excellent reputation, interesting programs and an international environment would be the first step to fulfill my dream. When I found Bocconi, I knew it is the perfect school for me. As one leading institution in Europe located in Italy, Bocconi offers high quality of economical and commercial courses and chances to explore Italian culture as well as to learn a new language. The internship opportunities and exchange program provided by Bocconi are quite appealing to me. Based on my elementary economic knowledge obtained from Internet and books, I think USA, EU, and China will form an iron triangle which is the firmest shape, in future world economic structure. As a result, if I can finish bachelor degree in Europe and master degree in USA, I will become more competitive in future career because of my international profile.

The economic and trade cooperation between Italy and China has been steadily increasing recently and still many cooperation opportunities wait for discovery. I observed the pizza market in China is dominated by a non-Italian company which provided low quality of pizzas. I wonder whether it is possible to introduce some Italian authentic pizza companies to China. Why not give me a chance to do a pizza marketing research in Italy? Let me contribute a little to the relationship between China and Italy.