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"my first swimming lesson" - answer about extracurricular activity


wein350 1 / 1  
Mar 29, 2010   #1
hi, I had to elaborate about an extracurricular activity in 150 words max
this is my answer in 149 words exactly about swimming

The moment I met the water for my first swimming lesson, I developed a real passion for this sport.
My coach, really enthusiastic about the way I felt for this sport, helped me use my potential to grow in high levels.
My competitive personality was brought out, as I won many trophies.
Moreover, this sport showed me that hard work, motivation and persistence pay off. It also taught me that failure is not always negative and can be a gateway to success.

Although, I don't compete anymore, I still practice this sport on regular basis, as a hobby.
Swimming is a great aerobic exercise, useful to forget everyday's pressures.
Being part of a club gave me the opportunity to share my passion and teach me the value of teamwork.
This is why I want to continue practicing throughout my college experience, and maybe getting back on the competition field.
yeseniyaus 3 / 5  
Mar 30, 2010   #2
Although, I don't compete anymore, I still practice this sport on regular basis, as a hobby.

No longer participated in competitions, I still practice swimming regularly as a hobby.
Vulpix - / 71  
Mar 31, 2010   #3
Your short answer is competent, but fairly bland. I think it could be more interesting if, instead of summing up the benefits of swimming, you focused more on a particular aspect of your exeperience.

"The moment I met the water for my first swimming lesson, I developed a real passion for this sport."
I like the imagery of how you "met" the water, but why did you develop a passion for swimming?

"My coach, really enthusiastic about the way I felt for this sport, helped me use my potential to grow in high levels."
It seems to me like you're missing a pronoun: try "My coach, who was really enthusiastic [...]"

"Moreover, this sport showed me that hard work, motivation and persistence pay off. It also taught me that failure is not always negative and can be a gateway to success."

This sentence is just a chain of cliches. How can failure be a "gateway to success"? Perhaps describe a particular instance where you overcame an obstacle?

"Although, I don't compete anymore, I still practice this sport on regular basis, as a hobby."
For brevity's sake, I would change "practice this sport on a regular basis" to "swim". This would change your sentence to "Although I don't compete anymore, I still swim as a hobby."

"Swimming is a great aerobic exercise, useful to forget everyday's pressures."
While true, this sentence is irrelevant. You should probably get rid of it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 31, 2010   #4
Swimming is a great aerobic exercise, useful for forgetting my everyday pressures.
(I added one word above, so you have exactly 150.)

Being part of a club gave me the opportunity to share my passion and taught me the value of teamwork. This is why I want to continue practicing throughout my college experience, and maybe getting back on the competition field. --- excellent, but maybe "field" is the wrong word if you are talking about swimming.
OP wein350 1 / 1  
Mar 31, 2010   #5
thank you.
yes I thought that too about the word "field" but I can't think about any other word. would you have any proposition ?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 1, 2010   #6
...and maybe getting back on the competition field. into the water, where the competition happens. --- ah, I don't know if that is so good. I am not very creative today...

As some other people, perhaps in the "student talk" forum. :-)


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