Writing Feedback / 'Americans and the space program' - English Composition Clep Exam essay [4]

Hello,

What I'm looking for is feedback on my writing. I'm going to be taking the English Composition CLEP exam soon and I would like feedback on my essay writing. These are my questions. 1. Are any of the Moderators familiar with the Clep exam? 2. If so, could you rate my essays in terms of the clep exam? I did not include a essay but I'm writing one right now, and will send it in soon.

Thanks

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay a place you spend a lot of time [5]

I'm supposed to write a descriptive essay for a college English class. The essay should be about a place you spend a lot of time and only 2-3 paragraphs or 250-500 words. I have started a first draft and would like to know what you think about the first paragraph. Is it descriptive? Thank you very much for you help![/b]

In the cool of the early morning as I walk to my desk, I begin preparing myself to further my knowledge. As I settle into my chair, which has a soft green seat, I gaze out the open window, noticing the sun shining vibrantly upon the ground. Then I start feeling the warmth of the sun coming in through the open window. Birds begin singing their little morning songs and I hear faraway dogs barking for their breakfast. The cool air from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air into the room.

As my mind and thoughts come back inside the room, I look at my desk. It is covered with books, papers and a pile of mail which is strewn all over. I notice a coffee mug that was left from the previous day, the mug is olive green with a touch of dark brown around its edge. In the back of my desk I have a round metal container that I use for storing excess change in. Sometimes, the container will spill over with coins, like a clogged gutter, spilling over with rainwater. In the middle of my desk is my computer monitor, with the keyboard in front and a speaker on each side. As I gaze over my desk, I remember that I should straighten up the books and papers that are covering my desk.

My lamp stands next to me like a statue standing in the middle of town. The lamp has a golden finish with a yellow lampshade. Currently the lampshade, which my brother repaired, is hanging on by three pieces of a wire hanger. The smallest bump or shake of the lamp and the lampshade will fall off, causing me to have to spend time repairing it. I'm glad that I'm not using the lamp this morning because of another problem with the lamp switch. The switch is very sensitive, meaning that when I attempt to turn the switch on the light may come on or flash on and then off. It has had this problem for a while but I have become used to it and can turn it on with little or no problem. This morning I will not use the lamp because the sun is brightly shining and is casting light over the entire room, also giving light to my desk and giving it a pleasant warm inviting feeling.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (It all started when someone said PIZZA) [2]

I have to write a narrative paper for college. Could you please give me some feedback on the essay as a whole. Plus, here are somethings to think about when you read it.

*Do you feel as if your on the outside looking it?
*Does it feel like the narrative starts at the beginning?
*Do you lose sight of the importance or meaning of the event?

Thank you for your time!
Randy

IT ALL STARTED WHEN SOMEONE SAID "PIZZA"

It was Saturday morning and we were standing around the kitchen table. The idea of making pizza was now on the forefront of our minds, so I moved swiftly over to the nearby bookshelf, grabbed a notepad, pencil and returned to the table and took a seat. Rachel, my younger sister, was now strolling about the kitchen. She is the master chef of the house and was giving her opinion, about the ingredients we should buy. My older brother Ryan stood peering over my shoulder, as I set about writing down the ingredients. "Pastry flour is what I use in my pizza dough," Rachel said, so I added it to the list. The list was finally finished and I handed it to Ryan, and he said with confidence, "I will return home as quickly as possible."

While he was gone, I walked slowly to the backyard where the brick oven is located. Kneeling down I inspected the firebricks and the clay dome, I determined that it was time to light a fire inside the oven and prepare it for the baking. However, I needed to collect sticks for the fire. Scouting around I returned with a few birches, which I broke into small pieces, and placed in a pile on top the bricks. SWOOCH, I ignited a match, placing it under the pile of sticks, they began burning. Moments later I was scouring around again looking for more twigs. After placing them on the fire, it began roaring with flames. By now I had to keep an arms lengths distance from the fire, because of the heat.

In the distance I could hear the soft humming of a motor, the sound grew increasingly louder, until I finally spotted Ryan's car turning into the driveway, he was returning home with the ingredients. Immediately we all congregated back to the kitchen to see what Ryan had bought. It was not long until Rachel had noticed that he had bought the wrong flour, he had bought pasta flour instead of pastry flour. By this time Ryan had already left the kitchen and had processed to the garage to start fabricating a new door for the oven. Rachel and I stood in the kitchen, our heads hanging low, the excitement drained from our faces. "How could we possible make pizza dough with pasta flour?" I asked. Rachel just stood there, for she was deep in thought. After a few minutes of silence, she said, "Use the flour, we are out of time." I quickly reached for the mixing bowl, as Rachel drifted off into the family room leaving me the task of making pizza dough with pasta flour. As I hurried about the room, measuring out the flour, salt, yeast and water, I was being careful not to leave out any of the ingredients. At last, the dough was finished and ready to start rising.

As time passed by, I observed that the dough was not rising. "What do I do?" I asked Rachel. "I thought that it might not rise," she said in a low careless voice, "Give it some extra time." I was out of time, the sun was setting, and everyone's stomachs were starting to make strange grumbling noises. Above all, everyone was excited and expecting to eat pizza tonight. I left the kitchen and went to the garage, Ryan was still building the door but I had to tell him the horrible news. "The dough did not rise," I said quickly. He nodded his head but said nothing, so I turned around and walked back towards the house. Nearing the kitchen I noticed a loud noise, someone must be in there, I thought. To my surprise I found Rachel next to the mixer making another batch of pizza dough. More dough? I asked in a confused voice. "Yes, but with whole-wheat flour," she said.

Finally it was time to cook the pizzas. My dough still had not risen; Rachel's dough had doubled in size and had outstanding elasticity. At last the excitement had returned, and the cooking was about to commence. "Baking time!" I called out. Ross and Rebekah both younger siblings came running, anxious to help. They began carrying the dough, topping and cooking tools to the oven, while I began poking the coals with a wooden stick. "Ross, bring me the wheelbarrow please," I said. He quickly grabbed it and wheeled it over, as I began removing the hot coals from the oven floor and placing them gently into the wheelbarrow. Like greased lighting Ross wheeled it over to the burn pit and dumped it, and then returned. In the back of the oven I left a few remaining coals for extra heat, then I placed the door, which Ryan had finished, on the oven to let the bricks begin soaking the heat into them. "Let us start making pizzas," I said as I tore off a piece of the dough, pulling and stretching it into a round thin pizza. The oven had now soaked for almost ten minutes; my pizza was on the peel, which is a tool for placing food into the brick oven, and I was ready to start cooking. The heat was very intense and I could feel it on my hands as I placed the pizza on the bricks. "I am cooking two at a time," I said, "so keep making them." As I glanced back into the oven I noticed the crust was golden, the cheese had melted and I paused as the smell of fresh hot pizza passed by my noise. Ryan, interrupting the moment said, "Here is another pizza." "I have one almost done too," Rebekah said with excitement. Placing another pizza on the bricks I pulled the first one out. There was a beautiful all cheese pizza. We kept the pace going and before long had finished with fifteen brick oven pizzas. "Dinnertime," I said, with a sigh of relief in my voice.

Writing Feedback / Reflective Writing - A Reflection Essay On My Writing [2]

I am supposed to write a reflective essay. Could you please give me some feedback on
1. Grammar
2. Did I use the right format for dialogue? I indented both times and I'm not sure if I was supposed to.

I was also supposed to ask someone about what he or she
*felt while reading it
*saw you learning about yourself as a writer
*learned about the emotional struggle of becoming a writer

I hope I am not asking to much, thank so much for your time. I hope that you get the feeling that I have finally learned how enjoyable writing can be. If you don't get that feeling I might need to keep working on the essay.

Thank you,
Randy

A Reflection On My Writing

I used to be terrified of writing. Whenever I was given a writing assignment I was lost at where to begin. After returning home from a communications seminar, I was given a project to write a persuasive essay on "should cell phones be used in cars?" This was my first real writing assignment that I had ever had and I remember spending days and nights on the project. I was unsure how to write an essay, and I felt frustrated because I was making little progress. My mom also knew that I was a poor writer and she began helping me. She stayed at my side throughout the whole process and at the end of the project I felt as if she wrote the whole essay and I had just watched.

"You are rewriting my whole essay," I remember telling her in a complaining voice.
"That is what you have to do," she said.
I felt very discouraged and my confidence sank like the titanic. The more my mom added to the essay the less it reflected my thoughts and opinions. I recall feeling deep down in me that I really wanted to write but was unsure were to begin.

As I finished high school I was given the chance to speak at my graduation. I did not have any experience in speaking yet alone how to write a speech. I remember agonizing over what to write down and how to organize the speech. As time passed by, my graduation neared and I had nothing to speak about. I remember feeling as if I might give up; until I finally realized that the speech did not have to be very fancy but just some thoughts from my heart. I decided to write down whatever came to mind. After giving the speech I remember feeling like I had accomplished a small piece of writing of my own. I had not written a book or essay but I had written a little speech and that had helped remove a part of my fear of writing.

About a year after my graduation I was given another chance to give a short speech to a group of elderly people. I was able to speak about anything I wanted to. So I chose patience as my topic. Gathering my study resources, I set about writing a very interesting speech. By this time I had a little more confidence because I had already written a speech. Also I was very excited about the opportunity and spent many hours preparing for it. It seemed is if my writing was still improving but I remember having doubts about my writing abilities.

As I began college I was worried that I would need to write. I remember thinking to myself; how could I avoid writing? I knew that if I got a job I would be required to write letters and reports. I remember beginning to prepare for a college exam and that same fear of writing came over me again. I remember thinking, how would I pass my English composition test if I could not write? Searching the Internet I found a preparatory course for the English composition test. As I started the course my goal was to just pass the English composition test, and try to avoid ever writing again. After sending in an essay to the teacher, he replied with horrible news.

"Your writing needs a lot of improvement." He replied.
The news was very discouraging, but I felt that I still had a passion for writing. I remember thinking to myself, I am going to overcome my fear and learn how to write.

Finally I signed up to take a college course from Penn Foster College in English composition. My goal was to conquer my fear and fully master writing. I was about a week into the course when I read a chapter in Donald M. Murray's book called "Unlearn to Write." After reading the chapter I started understanding why I was having so much trouble with writing. I thought that I should be able to draft an essay/paper in one sitting and be finished. I thought that every time I sat down at the computer I had to write. I am no longer terrified at the though of writing. I am able to write at my own pace, without any pressure. Getting my thoughts down on paper is still the hardest part for me, but once I have something down it is easier to add to it. Until now I did not realize writing could be this enjoyable. I look forward to writing now because my fear is gone.

Writing Feedback / Smoking ban in all public places - persuasive essay [2]

Hello Gloria,

First I would like to thank youfor encouraging me and helping me with my paper.

My next assignment is to write a persuasive essay. I have never written one before and I'm lost. Could you please help me?

It has to be 5 paragraphs and organized like

Intro

a. First main point
1. Supporting evidence and explanation (one of the details must be related to my own experience or those of close family members and friends
2. Supporting evidence and explanation
3. Opposing claim to this point
4. Supporting evidence refuting that opposing claim and explanation

This is the question:
Most businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Many local governments have banned smoking in all public places.

My position is I agree with the banes.

This is what I have written so far; please do not worry about grammar or mechanics. I am trying to see if I am going in the right direction.

I know you probably thought that I was not coming back, but I had a very busy week.

Here is my persuasive essay. Is it persuasive? Is there a point that does not make sense or is not persuasive? How does it flow?

I'm still working on the opening line, trying to get the reader engaged.

I'm still a little unsure how to introduce my topics and then restate them in the end.

Thank you so much for reading my essay again.

Watching people smoking disgusts me. It seems as though every time I go to the grocery store, gas station or a restaurant there is either a customer or an employee smoking outside the door. That is why I strongly support the local governments ban on no smoking in public places. Moreover, most private business are banning smoking in their office buildings, however, some business' still allow smoking inside their buildings, which is where some problems can begin. Also some people will do anything to avoid second hand smoke because they know the affects that it can have on their health. Never again would I like to see people smoking in public.

Second hand smoke is very harmful to non-smokers. As a non-smoker I am very aware of people smoking around me. I know that every time I am breathing in second hand smoke, it is damaging my lungs. However, infrequent exposure to smoke will not lead to death but I have noticed an increase in people smoking and I am concerned about the amount of smoke I am exposed to. Second hand smoke affects everyone differently and our family experienced it while bowling. The bowling alley we went to had a section for smokers and a section for non-smokers. As every member of my family is a non-smoker, we used the bowling lanes in the no smoking area. The problem being, there was no separation between the smoking section and the no smoking section. Therefore the smoke drifted into our area, and began affecting my brother. It caused him to get a severe headache, which ruined our family night. This is why I support the ban against smoking. I feel that we should be able to have an enjoyable family night without worrying about people smoking. However, people that smoke argue that this is a free country and they should have a right to smoke anywhere they please. I strongly believe that as a free country we all should have the right to do anything we like, as long as it will not damage or affect someone else's life.

Smoking is a bad habit that young people model. The more young people are exposed to smoking the better the chance of them becoming smokers themselves, which is why young people should be discouraged from smoking. If they begin smoking when they are young, it could lead them to other addictive and harmful drugs. This is another reason I feel the need to ban smoking in all public places. My friend Tim was only sixteen when he began smoking. Why did he begin smoking? It was not as if he awoke one morning and decided that that was the day he would began smoking, but it was the constant exposure of seeing people smoking. Tim worked at AUTOBELL, and as customers waited for their vehicles to be washed and dried, they would have a smoke. After seeing people smoking he decided to try smoking a cigarette. A few days later he was smoking about a half pack a day, but then he got addicted and was smoking a pack or more a day. The worst part was when he was trying to quit. Even know he no longer worked for AUTOBELL, people were still smoking in front of the stores that he would shop at. Most smokers think that smoking is not influencing younger people. But younger people like to act as if they are grown up, and when they see adults smoke they want to emulate them. Smoking is a very bad habit to form and with a ban on smoking in public places, young people will not be exposed as often.

There have been entire office buildings that have burned to the ground because people were smoking inside. It is very encouraging to hear that more companies have banned smoking and I hope that more will follow. Without cigarette smoke inside the buildings, they are more inviting for non-smokers and safer for everyone. My dad used to own an awning company called "Awnings Only". One of his employers sewed the canvas for the awnings. When she first began working for my dad she was allowed to smoke as she worked but after a few, very minor accidents she was asked to stop smoking. Even though she only burned a few small holes in the canvas tops, my dad realized there could have been far greater damage done. Without smoking she was more concentrated on her work and made a better product. My dad later decided to put up signs that read 'Do Not Smoke" so if he hired another employee and forgot to tell them that smoking was not aloud, at least they could read the signs. She said that at her previous employment she was allowed to smoke anywhere in the building and even while she sewed the canvas. My dad made it clear to her that it was costing him money because of her carelessness. After my dad made a no smoking rule and put signs up he did not have any more problems with smoking in the building.

I am against all smoking in public places. Second hand smoke is the worst, and we, as non-smokers should not have to suffer any more. Smokers should finally pay the consequence by not being allowed to smoke in public at all. Every office owner should have to ban smoking inside his or her offices once and for all.

Writing Feedback / 45 minute essay (teaching and the public school system) [NEW]

Hello,

I am practicing writing an essay in forty-five minutes because I am preparing for the clep exam. If are familiar with what they are looking for on the clep exam, could you help me with some suggestions or just give me a over all opinion?

Thank you very much,
Randy
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Topic: The United States system of public education has been the subject of a great deal of criticism over the last few years. Other nations seem to be doing a better job of education their citizens o compete in our fast-paced, technologically advanced world.

Many ideas have been put forth to improve our public schools. As a concerned citizen, what ideas would you like to see implemented? What needs to be done in order to make our public schools do a better job of educating our citizens? You may want to draw upon your own educational experiences or those of your children for ideas.

My essay:

The public school system is not teaching are children very well. Other nations have shied away from our teaching methods, because the way we teach in The United States is not working. The United States does not need more money, or better teaches, because that is not the problem. Our schools started to fail after the one room school houses were closed and the school went to separate class rooms for the student.

First thing we must do to improve our school system is to stop trying to make each child learn at the same pace. In the old days they let the older children teach the younger children, which made the older children went to learn. By allowing the children to learn at their own pace, we will see that when I child is ready to learn a new subject, they will learn it faster then if it was forced upon them.

Second thing we must do is allow each child to learn in their own way. Listening to a teacher all day is not the way some children learn. Some children learn better by being allowed to read the book and learn on their own. I know that in my family each of my brothers learned differently. My older brother is a great writer because he read a lot as a child but the rest of my brothers and sisters had to be taught by a teacher how to write. Our school system needs to fully understand this concept of learning. Schools are holding children back and not letting smart children learn because of the way the school system is.

Last thing we must do to improve our school system is to stop putting all the pressure on the teachers and put more pressure on the parents. If the parents are going to have children it is their responsibility to teach and train them; however, parents are relying on the schools to do their work. My parents are a great example of taking the responsibility into their own hands and teaching their children. The public school system can help but the burden should fall to the parents.

It is a waste of time keeping the children in a building all day. All children learn at a different pace and should be allowed to learn when they are ready. Stop trying to make them learn at the same rate. Each and every child will learn differently, there is not two children the same. The school system needs to stop trying to make all the children learn the same way. The school system needs to give the responsibility back to the parents.