Undergraduate / Williams Essay: My First Run-In with the Police [4]

I like your essay, and I actually think those little interjections ("Sneaky Waldo." etc.) are valuable to bringing out your voice in the essay. However, it might be enough to say that you were escorted away by state troupers when trying to contact your senator. You have pretty limited space, and I think this essay is more concerned with how you relate yourself to that significant scene. You could describe looking out at those people who are supposed to defend your rights, who, in fact, you and everyone else fighting for equality pay to defend our rights, and describe your feelings of betrayal or determination. Great essay!

Undergraduate / "Paper Mosaic" - Stanford Supplement - Roommate Prompt [3]

I enjoyed your essay. Your writing is great and I love the idea and the story. As much as it might pain you, using less complicated/ elevated words and language will help you in a character count. It's pretty, but it does take up space. For example, rather than "lend an impression of obsession" in paragraph one, you could use "indicate obsession." Contractions could also save you a little, I guess. I don't know if you were planning on cutting out chunks, but I wouldn't recommend cutting down the last paragraph. It's clever and a great ending. Maybe parts of the third or fourth paragraph are unnecessary? Just a note, in paragraph two, "despite my obsession with recycling" doesn't make sense because you're clearly recycling your paper. "Because of" or "due to" rather than "despite" would make sense in context. Good work, very original!

Undergraduate / MIT ESSAY ON DAPARTMENT THAT APPEAL TO YOU [2]

The mechanical engineering department at MIT appeals to me because I am stunned with the research center at MIT,and because of my curiosity for technology. Controls , instruments , and robotics research at MIT explode my heart (This is an awkward illustration. Use something a little more conventional to express your excitement?) for creating technologies that can be used in the field of surgery. My interest in mechanical engineering would help my country Nigeria as well since it is a developing country with new ideas and innovation (My suggestion here would be to describe in detail the ways that technology you develop at MIT can help your country. Is there a disease that needs curing? Are there children in need of a special surgery? Is there a technology everyone could use, but it's too expensive so you'd need to change that technology?). MIT is a college that is known for making technological breakthroughs to help humankind.

You're obviously a really interesting, dedicated and unique person who has a real desire to change the world because of your experiences. Let that shine through in your essay by specifying how you'd like to help your world.