Undergraduate / the Universe: Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality Short Essay [5]

Hey guys,

Please critique this essay. It is also too long (1972 characters). The maximum limit is 1800 characters. Any ideas on how to shorten it?

Thanks!

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience that you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Weaving through millions of brilliant stars and even whole galaxies, I flew through space. Stars turned into colorful streaks as I accelerated in hot pursuit. However, there seemed to be no end. I could not catch the edge of the Universe. Abortive, I returned to reality from another one of my arcade-style fantasies. I found myself staring into the starry night sky, lying on my back, still curious about the nature of the Universe.

It is mind-blowing to consider the size of the Universe. The visible Universe is a sphere of about 46.5 billion light-years, and the actual Universe could be much larger or infinite. This is even more astounding when one considers that the prevailing theory of the origin of the Universe, the Big Bang, states that the entire Universe formed from a singularity, a single point of infinite density, but at this point, our laws of physics break down.

The shape and fate of the Universe are linked to the results of the Big Bang. It was found that if the space-time is bent around itself into a spherical, finite space, the Universe has enough matter that the gravitational forces will force it to contract back into a singularity in the future. If the Universe is bent hyperbolically into a saddle-shaped, infinite space, then the Universe does not have enough matter to stop the expansion, and so it will expand forever. Finally, if the Universe has just the critical mass necessary to slow the expansion to a constant-size, space is flat and infinite.

As I learn more details, more questions arise than are answered. What lies outside the Universe? Were there ever other universes in existence? How can an infinite universe develop out of a singularity? Maybe the Universe is so intriguing because we can theorize but never know for sure. It forces me to be open-minded in considering scientific theories, no matter how outrageous, and above all, to remember to employ some imagination and creativity when tackling science.

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement Essay: Some questions cannot be answered... [5]

Hey guys,

Please help me critique this essay. I am concerned about the content as well as if it flows well and the grammar.

Also, the essay is about 639 words long. The Princeton supplement says it should be "about 500 words." Any ideas on how to bring the word count to near 500-525?

Thanks! Tear it up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------

Using the quotation below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world.

"Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool."
-Jane Hirshfield, poet, Princeton Class of 1973

Surrounded by colossal trees and the soft rustling of nature, I followed my dad and carefully ascended the incline. The afternoon sun penetrated the forest ceiling, warming my back as the hiking trail approached a clearing. I shrugged off my pack and pulled out a water bottle. Hoping to regain some energy, I sat on a fallen log. As I took a few precious sips of water, an insect, black with crimson wings, crawled out of a crevice near me. I held out a stick for it to climb onto and placed the insect gently on the floor. It twitched slightly before scurrying back into the log.

I realized that the log and surrounding are constituted the insect's entire realm of understanding. It knew nothing outside those bounds. From its perspective, I was a supernatural being, able to control its fate. Recognizing how narrow its version of the world was, I smiled.

When we returned to camp, I settled in a cozy seat near the campfire, ready to gobble up the dinner prepared by my family. The others joined me awhile, but one by one they all vanished into their tents to rest.

This all went unnoticed, because something more interesting had caught my attention: the sky. I sat in complete silence, flabbergasted by thousands of shimmering stars, unaffected by the usual light pollution. I searched the sky for some break, some limit to the beauty, but the stars seemed to continue endlessly above the treetops. I felt so miniscule, a mere teenager in the presence of celestial beings. What was out there? Who was out there?

Slowly, mesmerized by the starry night, I drifted into the dream world. I floated out of my seat and began zooming through space, leaving Earth behind. I broke the barrier of impossibility, reaching warp speed and simply brushing aside Einstein's general relativity. I sought to reach the edge of the Universe, catch that which was moving away. As I kept going, however, millions of stars and galaxies passed me, but there seemed to be no end ahead. As I slowed down, disheartened, I was caught by an immense black hole. I spiraled inward toward nothingness. I screamed but no sound came out.

Startled, I jumped out of my seat. I paced around the fire, trying to slow down my respiration and calm my nerves. I stared at the ground, afraid to look at the immensity of the sky, and tried to recount what I saw.

It was impossible for me to reach the edge of the Universe and learn what lies outside it. I realized that I was like that insect, confined to Earth and the surrounding space. Outside the visible universe, there was much I could not perceive, could not imagine. This did not mean that I was destined to be ignorant. Instead, I needed to expand my realm of understanding, break out of the bounds. However, there would always be ideas I could not comprehend. Thus, I needed to be open-minded, even to the possibility that our Universe is just a log for some larger being to sit on.

As I reconciled with my fears, I looked up at the sky once again. There it was, ever-present and unyieldingly flawless, giving no indication of revealing the truth.

Calico Edit Delete Move 69.116.116.188
Dec 30, 2009 #4

Undergraduate / "a tall, lanky Indian boy" - Stanford Supplement: Roomate Essay [5]

Hey guys.

Check out this essay. Please comment on content and grammar generally, but there's two things that I would like specific help in addition to other issues you may find.

1) Is the conclusion okay or do I need something more? I left it at that, because I'm already over the limit.
2) I'm at about 1975 characters and the limit is 1800, so while you critique, can you point out possible ways to cut out 175 characters?

Thanks a bunch!

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

Dear Roomie,

As a tall, lanky Indian boy, I am very easy to stereotype, but my peers always quickly discover that I have my peculiarities, highlighted by what I love to do.

In my opinion, thinking is much underrated. Sitting and thinking is not idle time, but rather time well spent. This is not limited to science or even academics. You may often find me staring out a window, lost in my own thoughts, pondering anything from music to game theory. I treasure the simple encounters that lead to steamy discussions or new ideas. I read voraciously, but good reading, I believe, should be an active mental process. I can never turn down a challenge, especially one that exercises my mind. Combined with my uncanny patience and ability to concentrate, I often lose myself working on puzzles. In fact, I once sat in a corner with a Rubik's Cube for six hours continuously before I finally solved it.

Unusual to the studious Indian stereotype, I love sports. There is hardly a sport out there that I don't like, though team sports top the list. The human interaction and complex strategy involved in playing as a team add a new dimension to team sports. Granted I'm not the most athletic person, but I find competition exhilarating, whether that means playing sports, watching sports, or debating sports. Despite my competitive nature, I value much more than winning. I am very passionate and loyal to the teams and players of whom I am a fan, just as I am with my friends.

Overall, I am a very happy person. Even though I have faced hardship and failure, recently I've learned to look at the bright side of the world. It takes an immeasurable amount of stress to perturb me. No wonder I thrive in high-pressure situations. One of my eccentricities is that I randomly point patterns and designs in nature. Maybe it's because I truly find palindromes pleasing. Maybe it's due to my synesthesia. Whatever it is, I have really learned to find beauty in the world around me.

Undergraduate / Duke Pratt Engineering Essay: Why biomedical engineering at Duke? [2]

Hey guys,

Please critique this essay. I really need to make sure my ideas flow and make sense.

Thanks in advance!

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------

If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

From the time I learned the basics of the organ systems of the body in elementary school to my study of Einstein's theories of relativity and the Schrödinger equation earlier this year, I have been captivated by the sciences. There is little more satisfying to me than quenching my intellectual and scientific curiosity. Thus, in pursuing an undergraduate degree, the choice came down to a pure science or engineering. Einstein distinguished science from engineering when he explained, "Scientists investigate that which already is; engineers create that which has never been." I experienced this first hand in numerous Science Olympiad projects since seventh grade, namely constructing robots, building balsawood bridges, designing mousetrap cars, and experimenting with rockets. One year, I led a group of three in building a 1-liter plastic bottle rocket that would carry an egg afloat safely for the longest time. We spent months sitting around a whiteboard, sketching ideas and testing models. Launches were especially thrilling, though Murphy's Law held true. After each nosedive, we returned to the board. Even after we earned a gold medal at the competition, we continued the project into the summer for the sheer exhilaration of exercising our minds. The joy derived from brainstorming innovative ideas and building something of our own shifted the balance in favor of engineering. The engineering projects required not only an understanding of the physics related to a certain task, but also the ability to apply that knowledge toward creating our own solution. These engineering projects were more like art done for pleasure than an assignment for competition.

While I was unsure of my undergraduate pursuit for a long time, I have been determined to attend medical school for a long time. My desire to study medicine has been driven by the desire to tackle challenging diseases. Through my knowledge of the medical field, I realized that combating diseases requires not only an understanding of the biology, but advancement in diagnosis and treatment using applied sciences and innovative ideas. This is essentially the undertaking of engineers. Specifically, biomedical engineering is required, for example, to design the gene delivery system utilized to replace the mutated DNA in cells with properly functioning alleles in order to cure hereditary conditions like muscular dystrophy. Tissue engineering seeks to grow artificial organs by implanting and growing cells onto scaffolds of carbon nanotubes. My desire to pursue a degree in biomedical engineering before attending medical school is appropriate, because the experience and knowledge I obtain will be invaluable in my approach to medical research, development, diagnosis, and treatment. I will be able to see each obstacle from various perspectives and combine the distinct studies towards a solution.

Duke is the most rewarding setting to further my goals. The Pratt School of Engineering offers one of the best programs in biomedical engineering. The research and biomedical advancements at Duke are especially groundbreaking, such as the development of a new nano-scale chemotherapy delivery system, a tiny three-dimensional ultrasound probe, and autonomous robots to detect shrapnel and biopsy cancerous masses. Educational and research opportunities at Duke provide valuable experiences. However, in choosing a branch of study, I did not want to limit myself to just medicine. In fact, some of my favorite classes in high school were AP Economics, AP U.S. History, and Physics. Duke offers strong programs, enthusiastic professors, and intellectual challenges in all branches of study. As an engineering student at Duke, I can expand my horizons and pursue a double major or certificate in another field. Duke does not force me to limit myself intellectually nor academically, and the educational experience will give me an advantage in gaining admission into a top medical school.