Posts by Calico

Calico

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement Essay: Some questions cannot be answered... [5]

I love this essay:) I think this part right here,

When we returned to camp, the rest of my family had already prepared a warm fire and dinner. I gobbled it down eagerly, cleaned up the camp, and finally settled on a cozy seat near the fire. The others joined me for a while, but one by one, they all vanished into their tents to rest for the night.

kind of distracts from the main point of your essay, so it can be reworded or shortened to eliminate some words.

I love the beautiful descriptions in the first paragraph. Nice action verbs... though if you really want to cut down on the number of words, you can get rid of the part where you talked about hiking with your dad, because even though it's nice language, it's also irrelevant to the main point of the essay. A possibility would be to talk about seeing the bug at night by the camp fire instead of in the woods, then about how you fell asleep, had the dream, and had the whole epiphany. Just an idea.

You also tend to use a lot of compound sentences connected by "and", especialy in the first paragraph, which can become somewhat tiring afer a while:) (Actually, I always tend to do the same as well in my own writing.) Since you're obviously a great writer, why not play with the sentence structure a little more? You may actually be able to eliminate some words that way.

Great job!

Calico

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Upenn Supplement: Bioengineering + EWB [12]

"I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions and hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness."

"...double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and the essence of who I am..."

"my membership will serve as a medium to my capacity and power to change the world and shape the direction of the future as an engineer..."

Medium to your capacity and power? It sounds a little strange. Maybe phrase it differently?

Therefore I find Upenn a perfect match, for I seek a sanctuary of higher learning, a key to emancipate the full extent of my knowledge and the college of my dreams.

How can you "emancipate", or liberate, the college of your dream??

Anyway, great essay! You conveyed your love for science and your desire to help others very well:)

Calico

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "I am an explorer." - Northwestern: WHY ESSAY... [6]

I thought the specific prompt of Northwestern was "what unique qualities of Northwestern made you want to apply...?" If so, then perhaps you should spend a little time discussing the specific programs of the university that interst you in addition to your own personal qualities.

and soon started my mission, making a paper boomerang

Use a dash instead of a comma.

in the belief that nothing can daunt me, I then spent my whole afternoon to understand the entire principal including formation of each force

Change it to "believing that nothing could daunt me , I then spent my whole afternoon trying to understand...

the clear understanding of the knowledge provided me the prerequisite for next step which turn to be an onerous task.

Slightly awkward, re-phrase.

"After collecting all materials and tool required, including paper, scissor and pencil, I began my creation by plotting the contour of the boomerang on the paper..."

Anyway, you get the idea:) Good luck!

Calico

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement Essay: Some questions cannot be answered... [5]

Idk if there's anything else you can still change, and I think it's fine in term of the word count. Honestly, mine was about 530 words and I've submitted it a while ago, so I don't think a few words over the limit is a problem. Besides, your essay flows very well and doesn't take much time to read. It doesn't feel very long at all.

Calico

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / How 4 letters have influenced my life [6]

In response to what tkkt1 said:

I understand where you're trying to go with the essay, but you're not directly answering the prompt. It says to evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma. I'm guessing you went with a significant experience, but you have not described one in detail. I suggest you start with one anecdote instead of the series of mini-stories that you have now. After all, the prompt does ask for "a" significant experience.

I think since it's the common app essay, you can just select the last option, the write-about-your-own-topic one, instead of the significant experience option.

Great essay about names... I can totally relate to how you feel about having an extremely uncommon last name because both my first and last name are unusual and hard to pronounce:)

Again, it's great overall except a few sentences here and there that are somewhat awkward, like this one:

Other's like bass, pitt, cage or rice are heavily underappreciated when you compare it to name like Tsui, any of those words-bass, pitt, cage or rice-might seem like a pleasant alternative.

Lol, you lost me in that sentence:) What are you trying to say there? In any case, "other's" should be "others", etc.

Work which I've dedicated 16 hours a day in front of my easel, reciting half-a-millennium-old idioms, recalling countless theatrical expressions, countless revisions

Combine this with the previous sentence. Change to "This, I have no doubt, is a result of hard work, work to which I have dedicated 16 hours a day in front of my easel..."

Anyway, good luck with your application!

Calico

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "I am an explorer." - Northwestern: WHY ESSAY... [6]

^Here is the Northwestern Statement, if this is the one you're talking about:

"What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?"

I think they mean the specific programs at Northwestern that attract you and how you want to take advantage of those opportunities. In other words, they are testing to see if you've done the research on the university, and in that case I would strongly suggest that you mention a little more of the university other than the fact that the people there "explor, creat and transform". Just a suggestion. It's possible that you may be applying to a specific engineering department or school where the prompt is different. If so, disregard what I just said.

Good luck on your applications.